Worried about being evil...
Sorry for the incessant posts over the years, I have just been feeling awful. This week has been terrible I've been crying all week and feeling like an awful person. We had to call the CPN out on Wednesday, and I ended up going to hospital in the evening. I talked to a psychiatrist and she calmed me down and gave me some sleeping tablets (because I hadn't been sleeping for a few days, or eating) but everything has flooded back. I am constantly worried, constantly searching online for some sort of answer. As you may know from my previous posts I have been diagnosed with OCD. I'm currently on 50mg of sertraline (only just re-started this week). I am fixated on the fact that I am a sadistic child/animal abuser, because of things that have happened in my past, things that worry me about my future, and also adding everything about my personality up. I feel very vindictive and controlling at the moment, and I just wish I was never born. So, I'm 18 now <edit>
Now I'm stuck on the past. I feel quite impulsive at the moment, like I'm going to lose control and do something wrong. Like the sadism is just lying dormant ready to crack at any minute. My worry also stems from my bitterness. I can be very angry and cynical, especially when I see other people succeeding. I read online many people with personality disorders are like this.
This all started from looking at a picture of my cousins baby. i got this feeling, like I wanted to hurt her, and I couldn't work out whether it was pleasurable or not, but now these feelings and thoughts are just making me anxious and nervous, and worried about my future. It's like I enjoy hurting babies and animals This stuff just keeps running around in my head, and I feel like I'm just afraid to admit who I truly am.
I've stolen before, and I've done stuff and not felt guilty. I sometimes feel like the only person I truly love is my mum, and I feel like I wouldn't ever be able to love anyone else. <edit>
I honestly dont know what to do about this. I keep looking into my past and finding things I don't like. I have told this to the psychiatrist and my mum, and they both keep shrugging it off, but I'm really concerned here. I'm also concerned that taking the sertraline is going to block out the worry and guilt and show a side of me I don't like/show my true colours, revealing who I really am.
I can't live like that. I just want to be happy and healthy, not twisted, bitter and evil!
I can't work out whether it's guilt I feel or just shame. I feel so incredibly numb and detached. I don't want to do or be anything anymore!
Last edited by ms_mod; 09-15-2012 at 08:30 AM.