My story... sad and pathetic but finally true
I am 37 and have finally been honest for the first time in years and years and years.
I am diagnosed with OCD, Depression and Compulsive Lying Disorder as a symptom of my OCD. I am also an epileptic.
Recently I have lost most everything in my life due to my lying. I was with a wonderful, caring and understanding woman but it just became too much for her. She will still talk to me a little but my hopes are waning that she will come back. She had two kids who I thought of as my own although admittedly there was tension between me and the oldest one.
I lied MOSTLY about money issues...but not solely. I was never unfaithful or anything like that but just couldn't muster the truth a lot of times. I think I even got to where I didn't know what the truth was.
I finally admitted all of this about 2 weeks ago (maybe a little less) and have given an official diagnosis since then and have been put on Luvox (fluvoxamine) 100mg, Trazodone 150 mg. I was already taking Phenytoin 300mg for my epilepsy. I am thinking more clearly and most of the obsessions have left.
I have had terrible sexual obsessions including the most bizarre things that could be found on the internet. I obsessed on whether I was a pedophile and would drive myself crazy over that (sorry bad choice of words). Since being on the medicine I have had none of that. I had a bunch of counting compulsions that are going away as well. Most importantly I haven't told a lie for a week now. That might seem minor to most people but I normally wouldn't go 2 hours without lying before. I would lie about other lies, about senseless stuff....about anything...the majority of it was money but probably only because money was in such short supply it was a major topic of mine and hers...and also because of my compulsive spending it couldn't even be accounted for sometimes. Things would really get frustrating when I would actually tell the truth and she wouldn't believe me but I seemed to "get by" with lying.
I also had trouble trusting her even though she never did anything to make me question it. My therapist has made me realize that it was just my insecurity that caused that. I should have been better though.
My story goes back to childhood where I was a victim of molestation. This has caused me so many problems and made my "am i a pedo" obsessions even worse. My parents didn't believe me and so lying became natural....somehow preferred to the truth.
I was married and have a beautiful daughter from that marriage. The final destruction of my marriage probably had a lot to do with my problems although we were a terribly incompatible couple....
I have lied so much in my life there would be no possible way to even list and apologize for all of them. I don't even know if I could identify all of them.
I'm now on the meds and in therapy and feeling a lot better....now is there anyway to atone for the wrongs?
I'm going to email the link to this thread to my recent fiancee, so if you are reading this, DA...hi. I wanted to state that to everyone though because I don't want this misconstrued as some attempt to "say the right things". I think that maybe the comments from the rest of the board and maybe my post as well will be somehow helpful to her. I did so much wrong.
After talking to my doctor and my therapist it seems that my issues are pretty much textbook as to the disease...but that doesn't make my mess any easier to clean up.
Its just one day at a time from here....hell, it's one hour to the next....
Any comments would be appreciated...not looking for pity though...god knows i've searched for that enough.
by the way, my name is steven
Last edited by ms_mod; 10-15-2012 at 06:01 PM.
Reason: forgot other stuff