How do I have a normal relationship??
After years of childhood abuse, and then abusive relationships as an adult, I did some therapeutic and spiritual work and was able to make some important changes in my life that would allow me to break that cycle. I have been with a wonderful, respectful, and patient man for 5 years now and will be getting married in June. The problem is my anxiety is really getting bad lately and I keep having crazy thoughts about my fiancee and our relationship. Lately I am overwhelmed by irrational obsessions that my relationship is doomed and I am so scared that I won't be able to relax and enjoy being married and that I'll eventually sabotage my own marriage!
I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Some days have been better than others, but I've always been a nervous person. I've had panic attacks from time to time, but the biggest thing is that I compare myself to others and obsess about what people think of me. Funny thing is I'm very bold and outgoing. People have told me that I give off a confident and sometimes arrogant impression, but inside I am convinced that I'm just not good enough. I've tried medications before but I hate the side effects and would really like to stay away from them.
My fiancee is such an amazing person and I can't understand why he is with me. The first couple of years of my relationship I was convinced he didn't really love me and that he was going to leave me any moment. Once I realized he was sticking around for a while I became obsessed that he would never want to marry me.
Now we are engaged and I still can't relax. I have developed this idea that a female friend of ours is a better match for him than I am. He has said nice things about her but he has never done or said anything to make me think he is interested in her romantically or sexually. I can't stop my obsessive thinking about her though. I go to her ******** page multiple times each day to see if he has commented on or liked any of her posts. Everything she says makes me angry because I've created this image of her in my head that she is his "other girlfriend" even though I'm sure he is faithful to me. I can't stop obsessing about her and it is getting worse every day!
I've also been trying to make him explain why he is with me. He is not someone who is good about describing his emotions and I know these conversations are difficult for him. He always goes out of his way to do nice things for me and gives me a lot of affection, but I am still compelled to try to make him convince me he loves me.
This makes no sense at all!! I am making myself crazy and am on the verge of taking this too far and saying or doing something I will regret. Can any of you relate? How do I redirect these crazy obsessive thoughts?