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Old 10-28-2012, 10:13 PM   #1
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What is happening with me - desperate

Hello guys. I'll get directly to it.
So the hing is that I have this obsesive thought that cant get out of my head for a week now. And I mean I cant even sleep everything seems dark and not the same. The thought is - I just finished my bachelors degree and I am about to sign my first working contract in about a few hours. BUT I somehow remembered that I cheated on the entry test for the bachelor degree four years ago. So my thought is that since I cheated I wasnt supposed to get in so I wasnt supposed to graduate and I am not supposed to strat this job - That I dont deserve it beacause I cheated four years ago on the entry test. Omg I am so desperate beacause I realize how stupid this sounds but its in my head for a few days and Ive been trying to get it out without result. I know that since Its eating me from the inside I wont be able to concentrate and I will fail at day one at my job which is by the way a software developer and requires full attemtion and I dont have it know this thought is constantly in my head. PLEASE HELP ME! This post is my last hope... I should be on my way to the office after an hour and my brain is going to explode beacause I know that I should go but this second voice is telling me NO NO NO ! What should I do... Please... And dont even know what to say anymore I cant imagine the embarrasement when I have to tell my parents and friends about this beacause I'm 99% sure that I will collapse and fail and have to explain why... Please help me

 
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Old 10-28-2012, 10:27 PM   #2
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Re: What is happening with me - desperate

Anyone please...

 
Old 10-29-2012, 04:30 AM   #3
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Re: What is happening with me - desperate

You can't change your past, so there's no point in beating yourself up over this. And you did complete all your coursework on your own, didn't you? So that gave you the skills and education to perform at this job. You won't fail at this. Just move on from this and put it behind you. But learn from this mistake so you don't do something foolish like it again. You live and learn. Just getting your degree in of itself is such a huge hurdle! And you did all the work. (I mean tests, papers, labs). Good luck at your new job!

 
Old 10-29-2012, 06:03 AM   #4
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Re: What is happening with me - desperate

But the thing is that the thought is so strong and obsessive its like "you dont deserve it so you have to work something that doesnt require a bachelors degree or youll have to apply again without cheating and finish the diploma again! I wont go away otherwise!"
Ive had some sort of complicated OCD for nine years now so I suffered a lot of thoughts but they were never threatning my future like this one. And the thoughts wont go away unless I do what they want me to... Thats why Im losing hope... I cant sleep at night unless I convince my self that Ill do what the thought wants. I feel enourmous amount of guilt, pressure in my brain my head is like its going to explode I cant do anything like before....

 
Old 10-29-2012, 07:40 AM   #5
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Re: What is happening with me - desperate

Well.... For that amount of guilt and pressure that its obssessive and threatening your future, I really think you should see a mental health professional ASAP. You don't want this ruining your future. And it sounds like no amount of encouragement you'll get online will prevent these feelings for you.
Do you take medication for OCD?? Maybe it's time you start if you haven't already. I just hate to see you do something to ruin your job. At one point in time, I too had OCD tendencies, and for me medication worked. However I think some therapy may help you with your guilt also. I think you should get help ASAP though as this is an urgent situation!!!! Good luck!!!

 
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Old 10-29-2012, 12:33 PM   #6
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Re: What is happening with me - desperate

I took Rexetine for an year and I was feeling alright with minimum amount of the mentioned above at the time. I consulted my doc and decided to stop it, thinking that I'm cured. And here I am 4 months after stopping it.... I went to the doctor again and he prebscribed me Zoloft but I'm afraid to take it because of the side effects I read about...

 
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