Update on "My Holiday"
I am feeling awful. I am racked with anxiety. Further to my post about "My Holiday", I have told my cousin that I will make arrangements to come and stay with her for the last week in November. That was 2-3 months ago, and I still haven't arranged it, but it isn't entirely my fault; I am disabled and need a carer to come with me, and the two people who've said they'll come have told me they're now unable to.
I would still have got the ball rolling somehow, but I am torn up inside about having to complete an obsessional sequence before I go. Because I feel self- conscious about my obsessive compulsive disorder, I really feel I need medication to help me cope when I get there. I would have started on this earlier this year, but I need to have the kitchen floor washed 10 times before I start it, because I feel it is contaminated, and I'm worried that if I don't remove the contamination before I start the medication, the obsession about it will come back to haunt me at a later date. I know that sounds contradictory - after all, the medication is meant to counter obsessive thoughts - but the supposed contamination is of such a vile nature that I feel I just have to remove it first. I have to document each time it is done, and by whom, and whether they used the right cleaning fluid, and I haven't been able to concentrate fully on that because of relationship problems.
Now it's surely too late to arrange it for this year, and I'm feeling very bad about not arranging the holiday after my cousin was so thoughtful to extend the invitation. It was my birthday the other day, and though she usually sends me a card, she hasn't this year, and I'm wondering if she's feeling put out that I haven't arranged it. She was going to arrange for her sister to stay while I was there as well, which adds to my feelings of self-reproach.
Up to now, I've communicated with her her by e-mail to talk about the holiday, but I don't want to use that avenue to tell her that I can't make it this year. It would be much more polite to speak to her, and that is what's really racking up the anxiety. I'm wondering what in the world I've done, and I'm wishing I'd started the medication when I first needed it. To have done that, and chance the recurrence of the obsession about the contamination, would have been better than to go through what I'm going through now.