i missed another job interview today due to my OCD and BDD. this is getting really old and causing problems with my family [as if we don't already have enough]. my dad has been telling me to go on disability, but i would rather leave and live on the street. when he went on disability, he completely gave up on life. i still have something [i'd like to think it's Jesus] telling me to keep trying and never give up.
so my first question is; does anyone else have issues/rituals/obsessions around clothes? i feel so alone with this one. i missed my interview because i didn't have the right outfit. i am constantly doing laundry because i always feel like i have no clothes. fact is, i do, but they never quite 'work together'. there are a lot of factors that go into this, such as the weather [i'm constantly checking], matching, repeated outfits. if nothing 'feels right' i am stuck in the house like an invalid. i get compulsions to go shopping and it usually just solves the problem temporarily. when i go shopping, i also walk in certain patterns around the store, to the right in a square, never in the middle. i often make lists of what clothes/shoes i have at home and constantly refer to them in the store. i scrutinize patterns and colors. people in the store look at me funny because i stand there holding something for 5 minutes and they always act like i'm a shoplifter. my room is absolutely trashed with clothes. i get angry, throw them around and don't bother to put them back because i know it will happen again. i completely destroyed my closet during a panic attack while getting ready for a party.
i had a therapist when i was about 15 who told me to name my OCD. i've drawn pictures of him and refer to him [mostly while cussing him out] in front of friends and family. they all know him. he is a monster. i know this sounds ridiculous since i am 25 now, but has any one else's therapist suggested this?
last thing. if you're still with me, click your teeth! i did some research today because i am fed up and need to take on this OCD so i can work and not depend on the government for my 'income'. there are a lot of newer studies on a drug called Rilutek or Riluzole [i think that's the generic]. i've been on zoloft to the highest dosage. that was no help, so now i'm on 300 ml of luvox. still doesn't help. i am sick of this. anyone have experience with this medication?
Last edited by ms_mod; 11-08-2012 at 04:05 PM.
Reason: Replaced banned word. If a word is questionable enough that you have to *** it out, then please choose a different word.
Although not entirely similar to your OCD of clothing, I too have OCD about wearing certain clothing. It may be due to its patterning or color, and I associate it with something negative happening to me if I do wear it. It leads to me completely avoiding clothing, and its sad because its often clothing which I once liked to wear.
OCD can make a mock of a rational person, and its very unfair. Ive seen it described before as a bully inside your head. I find that one the best I seem to have found.
If you dont do what it says.. does it make you believe you will die? Or perhaps something bad will happen to if you dont do as it says, and then if you do go against it, you sit there for the rest of the day worrying if its going to come and hurt you for trying to beat it? This is how mine works, and its a pain because each time I try to beat it.. it's like something bad does seem to happen! I think anxiety can make us see things which are not normal to see, and its important not to beat yourself because OCD is not an illness which is based upon rational thought.. forget what they call it in science but its not something which can usually be thought away just like normal anxiety.
I have autism (a type of it anyhow) and that made me vunerable to develop OCD for the most part. I also developed PTSD, which is a barrel of laughs with the OCD. Have you been diagnosed as having any other conditions? I could explain the science behind it all if you like, as some people are more susceptible to OCD.. usually those with other conditions such as eating disorders, autistic spectrum disorders and others too. Its all to do with a chemical change in our brains which causes our thoughts to flag up thoughts which bother us, and then they keep repeating and being flagged up hence the whole process of OCD. There's a few different parts of the brain which are involved.. Id have to look it up again but it's likely you're brain is wired differently to others in some way or if nothing less.. is not functioning as it once did before your OCD started. Not a bad thing as such, and definitely nothing serious or major. Usually neuro-chemical related or sensory dysfunction like in autism.
Have a good day. Good to hear and see others with OCD on clothing.