What is my problem?
Hi, everyone. I needed to get some insight on my situation. This may be long and I do appreciate you reading. I have a lot bottled up.
I'm in college. I've had mental health problems for what I suspect to be for a while, but they've only gotten progressively worse for the past 5 years or so. I do believe that the stress of college/having more responsibility has something (or a lot) to do with this. I've never gotten professional help, mostly because I am still on my mother's insurance plan, and psychiatrists require permission from the insurance holder to get treatment. Unfortunately, my mother does not want to cooperate on this point. I do know there is something wrong with me. I just can't pin down exactly what.
I thought I was pregnant for about 6 months (on several occasions), despite multiple blood tests and doctors telling me otherwise. I did the same ruminating, checking symptoms on the internet, and etc.
I am in a relationship with an amazing, loving man. He is supportive, accommodating, and tries to help me through all of my problems. I couldn't ask for anyone better and, on good days, I do consider him to be the person I want to be with permanently. However, good days are rare and usually I have horrible anxiety about my relationship. My mind says things like, "You don't love him," and "break up with him." I worry that I'm in denial and can't accept that I need to end the relationship. Reading things about people breaking up is a major trigger for me, as is reading about people defining what a "good" relationship is. Sometimes I think of myself with other people to see how I will react, and that utterly disgusts me. Deep inside, I have feelings of adoration for him. It's almost like all my emotions are caged inside this anxiety I have. It's all I can feel most of the time. It's particularly scary when I feel like I don't even know the person I love, because my anxiety is so horrible. I'm emotionally numb otherwise.
I have a very hard time being in public. I'm okay walking down streets and being in open air, but I struggle with inclosed areas, like classrooms, malls, and movie theaters. My boyfriend and I went to the movies last week and I had a full blown panic attack. I would say that I am very paranoid. I often look behind me, in closets, in my car trunk, and etc. I think about escape routes, survival plans, and the like. I know all this is not normal.
All these issues have resulted in me feeling utterly depressed. I don't feel real most of the time. I was driving in my car earlier and considered crashing it just to see what would happen because I felt so unreal. I don't have interest in anything. I was once a somewhat promising poet and won many awards, and now I can't come up with anything. I was once very career/goal oriented, and now I have put all plans to go to graduate school off. There is nothing inside me anymore. I've always had the tendency to pull my eyebrows out/pick at my skin, but recently I've begun eating my hair follicles, my scabs, and whatever I can pick off my face. I am so embarrassed to even admit this.
I know this was rather long and perhaps hard to follow, but I needed to get this out. Does anyone have any comments in general about my situation? What can I do for myself? I really cannot deal with this anymore. I feel like my life is a waste.
Thank you so much for reading and thank you in advance for any comments.
Last edited by Administrator; 01-09-2013 at 11:13 PM.