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Old 01-10-2013, 08:38 AM   #1
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Mary499 HB User
Relationship OCD

Dear all,

I am 26 and I am in my first relationship (almost 18 months). Ever since the beginning I was in doubt whether or not he is the one. It all began with a question from a friend if I liked him, because he liked me, or if I liked him because of him. The seed was planted.

I just recently found out about rocd and I am still not sure if I have it. Maybe you guys can relate and tell me if I have it.

My story:

I constantly doubt if I love my boyfriend. I need that "feeling of love" and it's long gone. I ask myself if I love him and I keep doing that until I get a sufficient anwser. I always want to hear yes, but in the first instance I always say no. If I eventually say yes, I always think that I am just saying that, because I want to. Because I feel too guilty to leave my partner, that my parents love him so much, so they will hate me, etc.

On the other hand, I do think I want to love him. And, although I am not sure, I do think I really loved him. I did have that feeling sometimes, but they are so rare. We are living together, but I usually feel depressed and I always talk about our relationship and that I am not sure and that I don't know and that it is better for us to break up, etc. However I don't want to, I think. But then I am afraid that I don't want to, because of the guilt, failure anxiety, etc.

Usually my feelings are right. And I have that nagging feeling that it is so much better for us to break up and I am so afraid that that feeling is right. Because most of my other gutfeelings where true, I believe this one is also. But what if I do have ROCD? What if I am throwing away the best thing in my life?

My family and friends think we are perfect for each other. They also say that I would probably have this with another boyfriend as well. But because he is my first, I don't have any comparison. How do I know I want to marry him?

He annoys me all the time. I constantly think, can I stand this for the rest of my life? Everything he says is wrong, according to me. My mom says that I am too harsh on him and that it is difficult to merge 2 lives together. But because he annoys me, I of course think he is not the one and that I should look for that perfect man.

I miss the feeling. That's where it all started with. Missing the feeling and because I don't have that feeling, I probably don't love him.

I have broken up with him 100 times and I can never walk away. I will always stay. He cries and says he knows we are right for one another. I have cried so many times.

My psych told me that first relationships usually don't last and BAMMMM!! I think, see I should break up. I sometimes wished that he was my 10th boyfriend and I just knew that he is it. He is so sweet and so understanding and after all this he is still with me. When I say I want to break up, he hugs me and tells me: okay, but not just yet, first get better and than I will leave you. But now you should work on yourself. He is smart and funny. But man he can get on my nerves, is that normal? How do you know he is the one? How do you know you want to marry him? How do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with him? How do I know this is ROCD and not just me saying I should break up? Can you learn to love someone? How do I know I want to love him?


Please help me. I don't know what to do.

 
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Old 01-14-2013, 04:42 AM   #2
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USmiss HB User
Re: Relationship OCD

I have to go to work but I will reply to this later tonight. just want you to know that I am going through the same exact situation as you. I understand you to the "t". Talk soon!

Last edited by ms_mod; 01-14-2013 at 05:33 AM.

 
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Mary499 (01-14-2013)
Old 01-14-2013, 11:11 AM   #3
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dksea HB Userdksea HB Userdksea HB User
Re: Relationship OCD

I am sorry you are struggling Mary, whether its OCD or not it definitely is difficult for you right now.

Have you been diagnosed with OCD before? If you have it would certainly be possible this is just another manifestation of your symptoms but its also possible this is just the normal process of being in a relationship. Relationships are challenging in their own right and while your mother is right that it can be difficult but it's also possible that this just isn't the right thing for you.

Absent your own concerns and doubts about how you feel you also mentioned feeling external pressures and expectations about continuing your relationship which clearly is making this even harder for you.

One of the pitfalls of OCD is seeking absolute reassurance, to get an answer that you can cling too to remove all doubt. Why is that a pitfall? Because absolute reassurance doesn't exist. The OCD bully can always come up with new doubts for you no matter how many times you ask. I know, it's happened to me with my OCD struggles.

So what can you do? Well first talk to a professional who can diagnose you with OCD. If you have it you can get the specific type of help you need to address it. But I think you also need to be open to the possibility that this is not OCD and just normal relationship doubts and concerns.

I hope you are able to find peace with yourself and your relationship soon one way or the other, and answers to your questions about OCD, even if they end up being unrelated.

 
Old 01-14-2013, 11:53 AM   #4
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Mary499 HB User
Re: Relationship OCD

I have recently been diagnosed with OCD. As a young girl I washed my hands all the time. In my teens I didn't do that anymore. I never thought about OCD. But when I saw the symptoms I do recognise myself in 5 of them. I constantly obsess about one specific topic work/ school/ etc. Now it is my relationship. Your comment made me spike, because I now think I should break up with him, because these thoughts are apperantly not ocd, so it is real, so I should break up. This makes me a bit anxious and sad though.

 
Old 01-14-2013, 01:12 PM   #5
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dksea HB Userdksea HB Userdksea HB User
Re: Relationship OCD

Sorry to hear you definitely do have OCD, I wouldn't wish this condition on anyone, but since you know hopefully that will mean you can get the help you need.

I don't think you should make any big decisions before you spend time working to get your OCD under control, and I'm sorry my comment made you have an anxiety spike, definitely not my intent. Hopefully your boyfriend and family can be understanding as you work through this.

Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist who is working with you using CBT? Studies have shown that's the most effective non-medicine based treatment for OCD and its been an immense help to me. I recently started reading some books on OCD to help me understand it better and to learn the techniques for CBT better, you might try that as well.

 
Old 01-16-2013, 01:25 AM   #6
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Mary499 HB User
Re: Relationship OCD

Quote:
Originally Posted by USmiss View Post
I have to go to work but I will reply to this later tonight. just want you to know that I am going through the same exact situation as you. I understand you to the "t". Talk soon!
How are you dealing with it?

 
Old 01-16-2013, 03:34 AM   #7
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USmiss HB User
Re: Relationship OCD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary20031986 View Post
How are you dealing with it?
Well, most of the time, I am depressed, anxious, confused, irritable, and cry a lot. It has gotten so bad lately that my relationship has been hanging by a thread. He doesn't see a future for us anymore because I'm so fearful of moving forward with our relationship. We broke up 2 nights ago. I don't think it will be forever, hopefully just until I get a little better. I need to take some time for me. I am going to start with a new therapist, and maybe change medications. Hopefully if I can get myself better and less anxious, I will be able to see that I really do want him in my life and that it's just anxiety that has been confusing me. It's very tough to deal with. However, I think the reason why it's so hard is because deep down, I know I love him and want it to work. So when those doubts pop up, it's frustrating. If I didn't really love him or want to be with him, I don't think it would be such a big deal. I think I'd just let go. At first I worried I didn't want to let go because I want that fairytale ending...we are each other's first loves and shared lots of "firsts" together so I was hoping we would be together forever. But I've kind of accepted that that is an unrealistic way to look at things. If it works, well so be it. If it does not, then I will have to pick myself up and move on. It may not fit with the picture I painted in my head of what I want, but I'll have to paint a new picture. But I don't think him and I are at the point of not being right for each other anymore. We've dated for a little over 2 years, and all our relationship consists of is seeing each other 2-3 times a week and me spending the night atleast once a week. If we get back together, I would hope we can try to take one step forward and live together to see how it goes. How are you doing?

 
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