Hi everyone... this is my first time posting about this.
I am almost 19 years old, and I have been diagnosed with GAD. I've had on and off bouts of depression and I currently attend University.
I have had major problems with my mum... to the extent that I moved out of her house to live with my Dad. I am very happy with my Dad, but having to move to Uni away from him and his partner was horrible, and I cannot seem to bring myself to be enthusiastic about my course or anything related.
I have not been diagnosed with OCD... yet. I am not on any kind of medication. I've been getting counselling with limited success from September last year, and I am due to start CBT on the 24th of January.
Here's the problem that's been bugging me for a while. I get intrusive thoughts - or what I THINK are intrusive thoughts. Some of them are sexually deviant ones that make me doubt my morality, some are ones that make me believe that if I DO something (such as have a glass of cheap wine) I will BECOME something bad. An alcoholic/alcohol dependant for example.
My real problem comes with my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years on the day that I turn 19. He is wonderful. He is sweet, caring, kind, perfect. Supportive of my anxieties, always there to help. I came back for one weekend to home - the weekend he was going to a uni 2 hours away from mine. (I've lived my whole life never further away from him than about 10 minutes.) I had a panic attack for the first time upstairs in my room, because I suddenly felt as if I did not love him anymore.
Bam. That's it. Within an hour of coming back and seeing him, I immediately thought that I didn't love him anymore. Those thoughts haven't left me alone since the start of September last year now, and I am starting to get sick of dealing with this.
Every time I think about our relationship it's, "If you love him so much why are you doubting it at all? Where's that feeling of warmth and comfort you used to get around him?" I've gotten to the point where thinking of him makes me feel sick and anxious, and I will ruminate over the relationship a hundred times and never come to any viable solution.
Sometimes I feel like breaking up with him just so I could end the constant anxiety - but then I think of his gorgeous big blue eyes, the way my forehead fits perfectly into his neck when we snuggle, how happy he made me over the years we've been together, his wit and charm, his handsome features, and I just can't do it. I start tearing up.
My main 'doubt' is that we are each others' firsts. Boyfriend, girlfriend, sexual intimacy - everything. We started out as great friends in high school and then gradually worked up to where we fell in love. Before my anxiety we've spoken of getting a place after Uni, chatted about getting married and having children - giggled because he's quite weak-stomached and laughed that I'll be the one holding HIS hand. xD
But this is starting to ruin my relationship. Forcing myself to try and FEEL something around him, but all I can get around to is anxiety; stomach twisting, sickening, trembling leg anxiety.
It is usually triggered immediately in the morning, and if I see ANYTHING on the TV that involves couples breaking up/getting divorced. When I think of the 12 year marriage that my mum broke with my dad, then her 9 boyfriends, I think to myself, 'surely, if she went through SO many, I'll never be able to stay with my FIRST?'
Please help! I'm going insane thinking about this! ; w;
I'm sorry to hear you are suffering but it's good to hear you are seeking help especially the CBT. CBT has been shown to be very affective for treating anxiety disorders including OCD so I hope that will help encourage you.
Keep in mind Im no medical professional, just a 20 veteran of battling OCD (since about 12). The things you describe certainly sound like they could be OCD. Intrusive unwanted thoughts that cause anxiety and are difficult to dismiss. Your reactions also seem very OCD like. Seeking reassurance and ruminating on your anxieties is typical of us OCD sufferers, I know I've fallen into that trap many times over.
OCD sufferers often seek 100% assurance that the things we fear aren't real. That we love our significant other, that we would never do any of the bad thoughts that pop in to our head, etc. how reassuring to know beyond a shadow of a doubt they aren't real! Unfortunately our OCD bully is very good at causing doubt no matter what logic or proof we try and throw at it. You've probably experienced this yourself after trying to prove that one of your anxieties couldn't possibly be true, those nagging "Yeah but what if..." questions that keep popping up.
So that's the bad news, ruminating, trying to out logic your OCD, trying to find that 100% proof doesn't work. It's not your fault, it's because that's how OCD works. If you could have a bad thought pop in to your head and easily dismiss it,it wouldn't be OCD.
The good news is its treatable through therapy and/or medication. I personally have had good luck with meds and recently come to realize the power and value of the therapy side. It won't be easy, you'll have to unlearn a lot about how you'd normally confront problems (ruminating is BAD) and make some tough mental leaps, like learning to accept anxiety and that bad thoughts happen, but the alternative is to continue suffering and you don't want that.
The best advice I can give you is to embrace the CBT. Even if it seems silly or you feel like you are better, keep at it, it's such a powerful tool! A lesson that I've learned first hand and not as soon as I should have.
I hope you find comfort and relief soon and that your therapy goes well. If you are interested I highly recommend the book Brain Lock by Dr. Jeffery Schwartz. Not only does it do a fantastic job of explaining the underlying biological causes of OCD (it's every much a physical disease as diabetes or Parkinson's) but also the rational behind CBT and techniques you can use to help yourself. There are other great books out there too that Im sure your therapist will be able to recommend.
I know it's hard, but you are not alone and you are doing the right thing by seeking help!
BTW, it's not unusual to feel more anxious in the morning. Something to do with the chemicals that are released when you wake up. Eating a good breakfast with whole grains and protein can help. There is also some evidence that B-vitamins are helpful in battling anxiety, check with your doctor to see if its ok for you to maybe take some supplements.
It sounds to me like you are definitely suffering from ROCD. I have been suffering from it for over a year. I often worry, "well how do I know it's actually ROCD and not just real thoughts about not wanting to be with my boyfriend anymore." Here is how I've finally figured that out: We've been going through these doubt cycles off and on for over a year now. If I didn't really love him, I would have let go already. When the anxiety finally calms, i wouldn't be able to feel happiness when we are together. But I still do. It's the doubts that cause me to not feel happy. I am the same way...I can watch a movie, something on tv, read a magazine, anything about a man cheating or someone breaking up or marriage or anything, and I will start doubting. We have to realize that the source of our doubts is not the fact that we don't love our boyfriends, it's the OCD trying to pull us down into it's trap. Unfortunately, I've fallen into the trap and last evening, everything came crashing down. We finally broke up, mutually, and will be taking some time away from each other. I need to work on my issues and get ahold of this anxiety before i have a nervous breakdown. It's going to be hard because I am obsessive about checking my messages and phone to see if he messaged me. I drive past his office just to look at his car and make sure it's there. Those are silly things. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would never have to worry about him cheating on me or lying, but yet I still have that worry. I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to stand tall, be confident in myself, and know that he loves ME and no one else. My best advice to you is to see a psychiatrist and try out meds. It's really tough but if you can find the right one, it should help. I'm on prozac 60mg, and it obviously is not helping. Best wishes!