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Old 01-14-2013, 01:34 PM   #1
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iuliaris HB User
Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

HELLO,everyone! This is my first post here, as I have come to the point where these issues I am having really impact my life. I am really afraid I might become emotionally unstable amd the fact that I have a family background of mental illness it's not making me feel better..
Sooo, my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and a half. I am 20 now and this has been my first relationship, he is 21 and this has been his first serious relationship as well. He's a great guy, good-looking, funny, caring, smart, loyal, he just felt perfect to me. Everything was amazing, we had plans to spend our life together, a loving, supporting relationship, except that now I have a dilemma that's eating me alive. Although he's been the one to keep my mental sanity over the years, as I have bad family issues, I can't seem to get over something he's done. He chose to go abroad for work for almost 4 months and even if I did not want this and I had some doubts about whether ours will work anymore, I agreed to it in order not to be/look selfish. I really went through a lot of suffering without him, the trauma of seeing a close person practically eaten alive of cancer and me getting unexpectedly really sick, with no clear diagnosis until this day. I missed his love and support and wanted nothing more than to rush the day he gets back. It eventually happened but now three months later I find myself questioning my feelings that I once knew were very strong! It all came on suddenly one day and ever since then I keep having obsessive thoughts that I don't love him anymore and it will all go down the hill. I have ruminated this every living moment for the last 1 month and a half. Sometimes I am inclined to break up with him, as I feel frustrated with being sick and I resent him for his absence when I needed him the most. It is like I found him responsible for my illness and I must accuse him. I keep thinking "maybe we should take a break". I get irritated and it's like I scold him inside my head. I keep looking for the small details in our relationship that did not work out, I keep on checking my feelings when I'm with him to see if I can or cannot feel anything. It's like my mind is trying to confuse me and get me to break up with him! Now everytime I think something negative abouy him/us it just turns into a sign that I don't love him. At the same time, I feel I must not let go of him on a whim. I want to stay with him, I want our relationship to regain its strength, I can't stand the thought of not being with him, of him being with anyone else. He is aware of my struggles and wants everything to work out. But I keep finding myself crying when I tell him these things over and over again. I am just miserable lately. These thoughts are driving me crazy, I feel really depressed and sick, with severe insomnia, but I had low energy, lack of appetite and lack of enjoyment for anything for 4-5 months already, also due to some anxiety issues (I kept thinking I will go sick again, or go crazy and make a scene). I think I might have an anxiety disorder and depression, as I am an emotional rollercoaster, cry a lot, feel unhappy with everything in my life, envy others for being healthy and carefree, have a racing mind, irritability, inability to relax, periods when I feel really uneasy and restless physically and mentally. I also had some OCD tendencies in my childhood and I don't know if any of these might cause me such emotional confusion all of a sudden. I feel extremely self-centred and I can barely function in my relationships and at keeping up with high standards in my college. It pains me to have such thoughts about my boyfriend, and I know he suffers as well because we used to be perfect for each other and he can't stand to see me so depressed and not communicative, very different from the bubbly girl he knew when he left. If I stay will I forever be filled with these questionable thoughts and resentment towards him? I am really bad at forgiving, break/break up seems unbearable...I really wanna stay by his side, but I feel so confused, and cannot sort out my feelings, get rid of ruminating bothersome breaking up thoughts...
What could this be and what should I do?

Last edited by iuliaris; 01-20-2013 at 01:40 PM.

 
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Old 01-14-2013, 05:09 PM   #2
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dksea HB Userdksea HB Userdksea HB User
Re: Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this, whether its OCD or not you seem to be going through a really rough time and that's no fun at all.

I'm no medical expert, just someone with OCD, so keep that in mind for whatever advice I give ok?

Whether its OCD, generalized anxiety, something else, or just normal relationship stresses it sounds like you definitely have some issues and concerns to work out and your awareness of that and desire to seek help is a good first step. It doesn't sound like you have been specifically diagnosed or are seeing a medical professional which is definitely my first recommendation. It would make your problems much easier to tackle if you know what they are right?

From my limited perspective it definitely sounds like you are exhibiting traits that could be classified as anxiety disorder, depression and/or OCD (although some might be causing others, the OCD might be causing anxiety, which causes you to be depressed, etc.)

I wish I could give you a magical answer that would solve all your problems, because then I could use it too But like I said I think your best bets at this point are to work with a qualified therapist/psychiatrist for CBT and/or medication and one thing that's helped me is to learn more about OCD itself. Brain Lock is a good book to get started<edit>

Last edited by ms_mod; 01-14-2013 at 05:43 PM. Reason: Removed posting rules violation. Ms_Mod

 
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iuliaris (01-16-2013)
Old 01-16-2013, 03:41 PM   #3
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Re: Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

Thank you very much for your answer. After trying to clear physical causes for the way I felt for years, I came to suspect I might have GAD, OCD and depression, and I think GAD might have been the first as before having those really nasty instrusive thoughts about my relationship I had a constant fear of fainting, getting really sick. Afterwards, depression and OCD just struck me....I have been more irritable for a couple of days, then a thought just struck me that I don't love my boyfriend anymore. Nowadays I was just left with this feeling of confusion about what's real and what's not about my feelings. I tried to work it out on myself but it just makes me ruminate more.

I am now in the process of finding a therapist, someone I can trust (as I have issues with trusting people on this topic). Hopefully, I will figure out eventually why my thoughts and my mood are intruding against what I know in my heart is the right thing. I really need the willpower to change this flawed blaming thinking and try not to make a major decision that would impact my relationship and that I might later regret with all my heart.

By the way, Brain Lock is a really interesting book. I already read about the four steps and I am trying to put them into practice, but I kinda failed up til now .

Last edited by iuliaris; 01-20-2013 at 01:35 PM.

 
Old 01-19-2013, 05:29 AM   #4
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USmiss HB User
Re: Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

Hi There. It sounds to me like we are experiencing some of the same exact symptoms. I too have been plagued with the endless rumination and doubts about my relationship. They tear me apart and make me very emotionally unstable. I go from loving him, to not being sure and not knowing if I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But yet I don't want to let go of him and I can't bare the thought of us parting ways and moving on. My only advice is this: we both obviously have some depression and anxiety issues, whether it be GAD or OCD, or both, SO, in order to figure out what we really want in life, we need to get a handle on the anxiety. I find it very hard most times to seperate my true thoughts, wants, and needs from intrusive worries and doubts. Everything becomes mixed together and I get confused as to what I REALLY want. I think if we can work on ourselves and get a hold of the anxiety, we will then be able to think more clearly. My boyfriend and I are currently taking a little break. We are still talking but probably not seeing each other for a little while. I switched therapists and am trying a new medication. We'll see how it goes. Are you on meds??

Last edited by ms_mod; 01-19-2013 at 08:26 AM.

 
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Old 01-20-2013, 01:50 PM   #5
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Re: Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

Hi, I am sorry to hear that we are going through the same situation No, I don't take meds, as I have lived bad experiences with meds in close persons and me(for an older eating disorder). I would really like to do without, if possible, and suceed with therapy. Taking a
break was very often on my mind, but I would just ask myself 'would this really help me with my obsessive thoughts?' And I feel it would not. Besides, my mind is somehow calmer when I am around him, but it never really stops. It's really annoying the hell out of me when I try to let go of them and they always come up, one way or another, and I get really irritable about the imaginary flaws in our relationship or his most insignificant flaws I used to never notice.
I just hope it will pass, for the both of us, because it's really stressful to have this ongoing conflict inside.

Last edited by ms_mod; 01-20-2013 at 02:22 PM. Reason: Removed long quote. Ms_Mod

 
Old 06-20-2013, 04:33 PM   #6
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Re: Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

Hi everyone! Alright after literally experiencing the exact same thing, first thing is first: IT GETS BETTER. I've gone to therapy after struggling with the same confusion and dilemma, and it has been such a huge eye opener as to what the problem really is. If you can honestly say that there is NOT a problem with your relationship and that you are indeed getting absolutely everything you want from it/your partner, you need to start directing your focus and attention on what is the problem rather than what isn't. You are clearly having an issue with YOURSELF. Not with your partner or your relationship (again, as long as it truly is healthy). The fact that you are so distressed, depressed, and absolutely sick over what is going on is proof that you still care for your significant other deeply, but that there is something going on within yourself that is causing such a lack of security, closeness, intimacy, confidence, etc. etc. If any of you are anything like me, it is likely that you have always relied on yourself for happiness, rather than others. Therefore, when someone comes into our lives giving us more than we could have ever thought possible for ourselves and we begin relying on them for our happiness and joy, as good as it feels in the moment, you are going to reach a point where you start to burn out. And if it occured like it did with me, it happened literally over night. I went from insanely happy and head over heels in love, to crashing and burning and having NO idea what my head and emotions were telling me about my partner and our relationship.. and mine you, this is my husband! The person this was never "supposed" to happen with. And unfortunately with us women, more often than not, once a thought that upsets us enters our head, it festers and snow balls into something so far out of our control. SO... as my therapist brought to my attention: it is NOT your relationship, it is YOU. And that is something you need to explain to your partner. That you are currently unwell and you need to be a little selfish and focus on yourself for a little while, until you are able to give him all the love and affection he deserves. If he can't grasp that and refuses to stand by your side, then THAT is when you say goodbye to your relationship. If he is willing to be patient until you get yourself back to where you need to be, then congratulations, you've found yourself a man that's going to be around for the long haul. You would be absolutely astonished at what a little serious alone time could do for your well-being and emotional/mental state. Stop worrying about your partner, stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like if you step away you're going to lose it. The more you stress about it, the worse your anxiety will get, digging you deeper and deeper into this hopeless pit. Take a day, two days, whatever it takes, to spend some much needed alone time with yourself and do the things that have always brought you joy in the past. You've been neglecting yourself! It's a quick fix that so many people seem to overlook. Do NOT forget about yourself. If you are unwell, everything else in your life will be too, especially your intimate/romantic relationships. If you still struggling, then it may be time to talk to a professional about possible chemical imbalances or other physical problems going on. Your relationship isn't going anywhere (that is, if he's a good guy), and will be there for you when you return. Hope it works out for all of you!

Last edited by ms_mod; 06-20-2013 at 05:47 PM. Reason: Removed long quote. Ms_Mod

 
Old 09-27-2013, 08:41 AM   #7
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Wolverine19 HB User
Re: Is it truly me, anxiety affecting my relationship, or worse?

Ashnordy's response was so powerful and well written! I think that it would help a lot of people with OCD or anxiety. Thank you.

 
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