I have recently fallen into a depression. And im not sure if depression causes my brain to fall into obsessive thinking about the past or stuck looped thoughts but these are my symptoms:
* I excessively think about the past. Situations, things from the child hood, moments with friends, past situations and moments with people.
* I repeatedly get a selection of a few random songs stuck in my head which i can not get rid off. It can be parts of a song or a main verse. And it is only looping that part. Some mornings i wake up and the first thing that gets stuck in my head is a song i recently listened to or a old song i have not listened to for a while. This can go on for weeks or months.
* I have been a perfectionist all my life. Arranging things into order. I have always made sure that my room or apartment is in a clinical state. Everything is cleaned, things has to be in order or in a certain way in the room or in the bookshelf.
* Does perfectionist thinking or all or nothing or black and white thinking trigger obsessive thinking?
* I have all my life had problems to repeatedly had the urge to recheck my alarm clock before going to bed to make sure it is set on the correct time. It is a ritual of turning it on and off for a equal amount of times until it feels right in my head and i can safely forget about it and then fall asleep.
*When i need to read information about something or when i need to study something i have to compile EVERYTHING about this subject before i can begin. Even if i have enough material to cover it i still think there is something missing and i keep on finding until i have it all which can be never ending process.
* I need to control everyone and everything. I have a little sister and when we were kids i always was the one that was bossy and had to control what she can do and what she can not do. She for example could not smile because then i get angry and when she walked into our room and trespassed a certain line on the floor i became angry. I had to control what she read and what toys she used.
* Websites i frequently visit i need to recheck 100 times a day. To proof read text and read the same info several times to make sure that it has been absorbed by my brain.
* I excessively think about same things over and over. It does not have to be negative thinks. Just random people, situations from the child hood or happenings that has no connection to the current situation. It can occur while being out with a group of friends or having fun the same images and a sense that someone is talking in my head. Saying something.
* Sometimes i tell the same jokes over and over. Or say the same things. Without knowing i have done it and someone points that out.
* I am not easily adaptable to change so it takes a while for me. I want things to remain more or less the same.
*Sometimes i can focus for a moment on the present or a present conversation with someone but then suddenly my thoughts slips back into the past and i sort of fade away.
* I have all my life been thinking back in time. Im now soon 30 and when i was 13-14 i began to obsessively thinking about the past. About moments in my child hood. About great times with child hood friends. It is like for every 5 years that pass, after those 5 years i begin to think back about the things happened those 5 years ago and begin to feel nostalgic. Almost like melancholically borderline happy/ sad and get stuck in thoughts.
* I feel uncomfortable being with new people or even meeting up with my friends because im afraid i will just get back to obsessive about the past while being with them. This makes me unable to form any new thoughts in the situation that makes the conversation progress further.
* I usally talk about the same things from the past. I can tell the same stories etc for family, my sister and friends.
* Since im interested in music and i time to time produce it i sometimes feel i only have 80% music looping in my head. Even when out with friends.
* I get anxious for new things but feel safe when same things are being suggested. For example taking a coffee which is a common things i do with friends.
* I have had periods where i have been off from obsessive thinking but the main problem is that all my life i have been stuck in thinking patterns and loops. It makes me feel like a cant progress further. The brain is stuck in random non meaningful thinking with no connection to the current situation.
* I have a what if thinking, thinking that things were better in the past. But actually they were not.
* I have to admit that i have always kind of been an ultra sensitive and anxious person.
* Also the obsessing about past makes me hard to form new meaningful thoughts and memories when im stuck in the past.
Do i have OCD? Should i talk with a psychologist? Get medicine?
First, a brief summary, OCD is an anxiety disorder, sufferers of OCD find ourselves plagued with intrusive troubling thoughts that we just can't seem to shake no matter how hard we try. In our efforts to alleviate the anxiety these unwanted thoughts cause we engage in mental or physical rituals to gain temporary relief from the anxiety, but those compulsions don't actually benefit us in the long run.
From your descriptions it sounds like you definitely engage in compulsive behaviors which could be indicative of OCD. Excessive checking, feeling the need to engage in behaviors a set amount of times, ruminating on your thoughts, neatness and symmetry.
However I noticed that you don't mention the anxious and intrusive thoughts. Now that may just be reluctance to mention them to others, or you may not realize they are out of the ordinary if you have been living with them for a long time.
Many of the traits you describe in yourself are part of the spectrum of human behavior, tidiness, anxiety about new situations, however your descriptions strike me as beyond that of the average person.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is highly effective in treating OCD, and I definitely recommend it whether you are on medication or not. In fact based on personal experience you will be better served not relying solely on medication, having the skills garnered from CBT are invaluable. Sometimes the medical s effects can wane but you can always rely on your therapeutic training.
Regardless of whether its OCD or not my advice is to talk to a qualified psychiatrist and/or therapist who is familiar with anxiety disorders to determine more accurately if you have OCD or perhaps some other related conditions. A psychiatrist can help you decide if medication is needed and which to try. Definitely do not try medication without the oversight of a qualified professional. You have come here because you aren't happy with things in your life and OCD or not it sounds like you have things you want to improve. Looking for help is a big first step, I hope you find the answers you are looking for soon!