Re: Trying to figure things out... please help
The symptoms you describe, while not "normal" for an average person do sound very normal as symptoms of anxiety/OCD. I'm not an expert, just someone who has lived with OCD for 20 years now but everything you are describing would easily be explained by OCD.
OCD is driven by our obsessions: thoughts/images/feelings we get in our head that cause anxiety and we can't just seem to shake. An obsession in this sense isn't like how many people normally use it, like saying "I'm obsessed with coffee!". What they mean is they love drinking coffee, they do it often and it brings them pleasure (which might be an addiction, but that's another problem for someone else to deal with ;-) ). A person with OCD has UNWANTED and UNCOMFORTABLE thoughts, just like you are describing. We don't WANT to dwell on our thoughts, we want them to go away or stop!
This desire for relief drives our compulsions, which are the behaviors we engage in, often repetitive or ritualistic that we do in an attempt to assuage our anxious thoughts. They usually provide temporary relief but make us worse off in the long run. You describe having to go over finances again and again, which sounds like a compulsive behavior. You also describe disturbing thoughts of yourself being hurt and I'd bet that has led you to other behaviors. Avoiding situations where you might feel unsafe for example, seeking reassurance from others constantly, and/or going over and over in your head reasons why what you fear doesn't make sense or won't happen. These are other forms of compulsions.
So do you have OCD? Sure sounds like it, but your next step should be to seek out a qualified mental health professional who has experience with OCD/anxiety disorders to get diagnosed and narrow down your specific issues. While OCD isn't yet curable it is very treatable and you can regain control of your life and get back to "normal" if you are willing to put in the work. Treatment with OCD usually takes a two pronged approach. Cognitive-Behavioral therapy to help you learn how to respond to and handle your obsessions and avoid compulsions, and sometimes medication to help alleviate the symptoms and make the therapy a little easier. Your doctor/therapist will be able to work with you to build a response tailored to your needs. You can also do self study about OCD and pick up workbooks that will help you learn some of these techniques on your own, but that's no substitute for working with a skilled professional, just some extra help to get you back to living your life.
Something else important to keep in mind, having OCD doesn't mean you are crazy or anything like that. OCD is caused by physiological differences in the brain. Quite literally our brains aren't working like they should, but all is not lost! CBT and medication can get us back on track, just like diet, exercise and insulin help diabetics control their symptoms, or asthmatics use inhalers.
I'm sorry you are struggling, but seeking answers is the first step towards getting better. You've taken an important first step and should be proud of yourself!