This is my first time posting. If anyone deals with this, a reply would be much appreciated.
I recently discovered that what I am going through is probably OCD. I have had problems with intrusive thoughts since an early age. The first time it really hit me was when I was 16. I had a strange thought about sex and God and immediately became convinced that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit and was going to hell. I became so distressed over the thought that it was like I started having it and other thoughts over and over again. Thoughts about cursing God and things of that nature. It was almost like I was doing it on purpose.
It's happening again and I am now in my 30s. For years I drank alcohol and I think maybe that was the only reason it went away . . . I was drinking it away.
Over the last six to seven months, I stopped drinking and got involved in church. Everything was going great. Then a few months ago, this intrusive thought thing came back. I started to obsess over people that I love not loving me. I became convinced that if people knew some of the stuff I've done, they wouldn't love me. I even went so far as to confess some of the stuff. Then when they continued loving me anyway, I started thinking of other stuff that I felt would keep them from loving me. That's when the intrusive thoughts started again. Some of them don't even make sense. I began having sexually inappropriate thoughts. Some of it was really wierd. It's like I was trying to purposely think up the wierdest stuff I could think up. And then I would turn around and blame myself for it and beat myself up over it. Why would I put myself through this? Why can't I just realize how dumb it is and give it up?
What you are describing definitely sounds like OCD. Religious based obsessions are known subset of OCD too. Basically anything that can cause us anxiety can trigger our OCD.
So why can't you just realize how dumb your thoughts are and move on? I think you DO realize how illogical your thoughts are. You can't give them up because OCD is caused by a problem in how our brains operate. Our brains have trouble shifting out of anxiety response mode. OCD is a medical condition same as diabetes or Parkinson's.
The bad news is OCD isn't curable. The good news is that it is treatable. Cognitive Behavorial Therapy and medication are very effective at helping you manage your OCD. The best thing you can do is meet with a medical professional who specializes in mental health and preferably OCD to confirm you diagnosis and begin treatment. Even before that you can begin wducating yourself about OCD which can help in your recovery. There are good books too. "Brain Lock" is a good one that will explain the biological basis of OCD. "The OCD Workbook" is a good resource for learning CBT techniques. Your doctor/therapist will probably recommend material too that they have found beneficial.
You are definitely not alone in having OCD (roughly 1-3% of people have it) and not alone in the particular types of troubling thoughts you have. Welcome to the group I hope you will find us helpful in your recovery.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-09-2013 at 01:33 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to dksea For This Useful Post: yammer33 (01-27-2013)
Oh, dear. Don't feel alone. I suffer the same thing. We love Jesus and it makes the thing harder. See it as an illness. I resist a long time, thinking that I was a bad person and suffering guilty about the thoughts. I have medics nowadays and feel better. We must know that the disease come and go. It was the same way with me. Try a good doctor and cct.
The Following User Says Thank You to Sotiredofit For This Useful Post: yammer33 (02-06-2013)
It seems as though you and I have obsessed about the same things! Are you a July baby? Anyway, the confessing part of the disorder is hugely impossible to deal with. Somehow, when I had a bad/troubling/disgusting/horrific thought, I hypothesized that if I was able to 'confess' it, it would go away. No such luck. The moment one thought is confessed, another will pop up out of nowhere. This would then provoke out of control feelings, as all thoughts can never be confessed (because they keep coming back). Then it was an issue that if I confessed to x, i would have to confess to y, and then z......despite the intrusive thoughts, this confession obsession was the toughest to deal with. Let us know how you are doing, and also please know that many of us struggle with weird sexual images and fears....all part of the same.