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Old 04-17-2013, 02:55 AM   #1
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ROCD and Long Distance

I've been reading all of the other ROCD threads and they're very helpful, I want to share what I'm going through and hopefully get some constructive feedback...

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. He will say he fell in love at first sight, whereas I wasn't very open to the relationship at first because we live in different areas of the country and I knew it would be long distance. I was on vacation, we spent 10 days together and i gradually grew to like him more and more. But when I got home from the vacation I had to decide where I wanted this to go and decided to stick it out and see what would happen. I think my doubts began then, I was very afraid that I would just convince myself that I like him because he's a great guy and he likes me. And over time I did grow to like him... so fast forward, I went to visit him again and we had a great time... I felt more committed to him than ever and like we could really make this work. That was about a month ago, and since then we've been making plans to do what we have to do to make it work. A few days ago the idea that I'm just convincing myself I like him came up again and I've been VERY anxious ever since. I know that I'm having OCD thoughts because I've gone through this and behaved like this in the past (mental checking, endless web research), but it's just so hard to deal with and I can't shake the nagging questions that I really am just convincing myself that I like him because I don't want to hurt him. He treats me so well and I am very attached to him, but lately I've been struggling with the distance especially. To top this all off I'm moving even further away for an indefinite period of time in a few weeks which is terrifying, and while I really want to make it work I'm really scared that I won't be able to get past these thoughts to stick it out. I just want to get my feelings from before back and I feel like that will never happen because my brain has permanently closed them off.

Is it possible to just convince yourself that you like someone even though you told yourself not to do that? How can I tell reality from OCD here? I'm struggling so much and feeling very trapped. Anyone ever dealt with ROCD in a long distance relationship? How do you get the reassurance you need when you can't see or touch your s.o.? I feel like if I could just see him now I would feel better. On the other hand is that also ritualizing? I'm just so confused. Last night I woke up at 4 am terrified because the thought that I don't really want to be with him just struck me and it was the worst feeling in the world.

Last edited by cccnnn; 04-17-2013 at 02:57 AM. Reason: additional information

 
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Old 04-28-2013, 06:18 PM   #2
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Question Re: ROCD and Long Distance

If it seems like I am replying twice, my original reply seems to have disappeared.

In my situation, my girlfriend n' I are in a long distance relationship of close to six years. She is the one with OCD. When I previously asked her, if her lack of communication in the past had anything to do with me, she said it was all because of her.

Yesterday on the phone, and the day before in Yahoo IM, she didn't have any questions about our relationship, she was even all lovey-dovey. Then today on Facebook, she was telling me to find someone else more local to myself. This has happened before. Where she will be all loving for a period of time. Then suddenly telling me to find someone else.

Now, I ask you this. Do you want to take the steps, to control your OCD thinking?

Last edited by ms_mod; 04-29-2013 at 03:49 PM. Reason: Removed long quote. Ms_Mod

 
Old 04-28-2013, 06:22 PM   #3
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Yeah, I definitely do. Sometimes I think the LDR is a blessing because I've been able to keep my anxiety from affecting him, but sometimes its damn hard without a hug or just being able to see him.

Is your gf in therapy?

 
Old 04-28-2013, 06:39 PM   #4
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Quote:
Originally Posted by cccnnn View Post
Yeah, I definitely do. Sometimes I think the LDR is a blessing because I've been able to keep my anxiety from affecting him, but sometimes its damn hard without a hug or just being able to see him.

Is your gf in therapy?
First, I want to be physically with her. Which I have reminded her, hoping that she will remember that I still love her.

She was in CBT more the six years ago(before our relationship began). She even showed me on one of my trips out there, the location of her former therapist's office. She also showed me pictures of her former therapist's dog. She did try Anafranil last year. She thought I would be angry with her when she told me. I told I definitely was not mad at her. She was thankful I let her know that. Unfortunately, The amount of time she was on Anafranil, did not last long. She had the side affect of urinary incontinence. She told me she had to stop taking the medication. I told her, that I had been thinking that for some time. Just that I just wasn't sure how to tell her, without making her feel guilty for stopping the medication. She was completely relieved.

 
Old 04-28-2013, 09:06 PM   #5
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris516 View Post
First, I want to be physically with her. Which I have reminded her, hoping that she will remember that I still love her.

She was in CBT more the six years ago(before our relationship began). She even showed me on one of my trips out there, the location of her former therapist's office. She also showed me pictures of her former therapist's dog. She did try Anafranil last year. She thought I would be angry with her when she told me. I told I definitely was not mad at her. She was thankful I let her know that. Unfortunately, The amount of time she was on Anafranil, did not last long. She had the side affect of urinary incontinence. She told me she had to stop taking the medication. I told her, that I had been thinking that for some time. Just that I just wasn't sure how to tell her, without making her feel guilty for stopping the medication. She was completely relieved.
Sounds like it would be good for her to start therapy again, something I'm planning on doing in a couple weeks (not logistically feasible where I am right now). You seem like a very understanding boyfriend and I can tell you from her point of view that's much appreciated- she probably feels very guilty for putting you through this which is why she keeps telling you to find someone else. I don't know if this helps but I read the other day that if you can make it through this, your relationship can probably make it through anything! So right now I'm focusing on making it through to the other side. When can you be together physically with her again?

 
Old 04-29-2013, 12:07 PM   #6
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Have you ever felt like, your boyfriend would be better off with someone that didn't have OCD? That is what my girlfriend has told me several times over the years. I have reminded her each time, all that she has done for me, despite the distance. She has done even more for me, than my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance combined.

Last edited by Chris516; 04-29-2013 at 02:48 PM.

 
Old 04-29-2013, 03:33 PM   #7
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

One of the hallmarks of OCD is guilt. It literally makes you feel like a bad person, even though for the most part we just have bad thoughts and not bad actions (separating thought from action is one of the first things I remember learning in therapy). Without going too much into it, a couple of years ago I had some intrusive thoughts that centered around my best friend and strained our relationship A LOT... combining the guilt from the thoughts with the guilt from how I was allowing it to take a toll on our friendship did indeed make me think that it would be better if we just weren't friends, because I didn't want to hurt her.

 
Old 04-29-2013, 04:15 PM   #8
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Quote:
Originally Posted by cccnnn View Post
One of the hallmarks of OCD is guilt. It literally makes you feel like a bad person, even though for the most part we just have bad thoughts and not bad actions (separating thought from action is one of the first things I remember learning in therapy). Without going too much into it, a couple of years ago I had some intrusive thoughts that centered around my best friend and strained our relationship A LOT... combining the guilt from the thoughts with the guilt from how I was allowing it to take a toll on our friendship did indeed make me think that it would be better if we just weren't friends, because I didn't want to hurt her.
I just had a major 'duh' moment(slaps self in head). If people with OCD didn't have guilt, they wouldn't obsess.

 
Old 04-29-2013, 04:26 PM   #9
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Yep. Goes like this: bad thought enters. Mind says "oh god that's true." Cue major guilt for even thinking a thing like that. Search your brain to find something that says it's definitively NOT true. When you find something that brings a moment of relief, check it against your guilt feeling. Nope, guilt is too strong! Try again. And then you're trapped.... every once in a while you can climb out to see above your thoughts and realize that they might actually not be true, but then the guilt/embarrassment you feel for subjecting your closest friends to that takes over and you still feel bad.

I don't really know what to say to you as the bf of an OCD sufferer as it seems like you are already very understanding and patient with your gf. When I was struggling with my friend one of the things that helped me a lot was for her to say "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Then I realized that if she wasn't going to just up and leave me because I was acting crazy, maybe this really wasn't a big deal and I needed to get a handle on myself.

 
Old 04-29-2013, 06:11 PM   #10
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Re: ROCD and Long Distance

Quote:
Originally Posted by cccnnn View Post
Yep. Goes like this: bad thought enters. Mind says "oh god that's true." Cue major guilt for even thinking a thing like that. Search your brain to find something that says it's definitively NOT true. When you find something that brings a moment of relief, check it against your guilt feeling. Nope, guilt is too strong! Try again. And then you're trapped.... every once in a while you can climb out to see above your thoughts and realize that they might actually not be true, but then the guilt/embarrassment you feel for subjecting your closest friends to that takes over and you still feel bad.

I don't really know what to say to you as the bf of an OCD sufferer as it seems like you are already very understanding and patient with your gf. When I was struggling with my friend one of the things that helped me a lot was for her to say "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Then I realized that if she wasn't going to just up and leave me because I was acting crazy, maybe this really wasn't a big deal and I needed to get a handle on myself.
There is only one thing I disagree with you on. It is the very last point of getting a handle on your OCD yourself. I make a point of being as positive, and supportive as possible. Even pointing out the good, in what would generally have been considered an obsession of my girlfriend's part e.g. STD testing(I agreed to one round because of my ex's storied past, but not a second round), UVA/UVB protective sunglasses(I am a cyclist), bike bag(I didn't have the money at the time for one), strong ear protection(I was working outdoors with power tools at one point), movies(I have them all neatly organized in one place), clothes(also in their proper places).

While I don't like the group, back in 1986, the American rap group Beastie Boys, released a song called '(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party!)', on their 'Licensed to Ill'(no connection to the James Bond serial 'Licensed to Kill', released in 1989). I think of the title of the song, as sort of anthem, where 'partying' in reference to OCD, is to be supportive in any way. I don't approach my girlfriend's OCD, like using a meat mallet to tenderize meat. But being creatively supportive.

Last edited by Chris516; 04-29-2013 at 08:11 PM.

 
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