My english is not that good, so i hope you can understand what i try to say
Im 25 years old and i have a boyfriend since 2.5 years. He was a very pupluar guy earlier when we were younger and when i met him for 2.5 years ago i was such soo happy that this happend to me. That a guy like he chooses me to be with. I couldnt believe that this is true, and i was immediately in love with him after our first date. But somehow since im together with him im struggling and suffering again and again..First i had problems to get over my ex boyfriend who wasn't nice with me. My current boyfriend then came up with the idea to go to a therapy to get over my bad relationship with my ex. So i did.. duringt the time the fights with my current boyfriend became worse and worse.. we argued a lot and nearly every week. Our fights were really bad.. somehow our fights were always about that he couldnt give me what i needed. Eventhough i dont know exactly what i needed..once i wish he would be more impulsive, then i wish he would spend more time with me..always something which i found that wasnt good for me!
Like i was always searching for something which was wrong..it was a mess and i cried a lot..also he did! We discuss a lot and over hours what he could do to make our relationship better..
Last year in october he left me!
And i felt like crap for weeks...everything that was in my mind was how to get him back! I knew that we needed time and i knew that i cant let him go.. so we have no contact for 2 months..during that time i felt like we could be the perfect couple if we just stop to fight! Everything would be perfect if we stop fighting..eventhough i am a woman who need fights from time to time..and i can be very impulsive and full of spirit..he hates fighting and always wants to live in harmony..he says he cant handle me if im behaving like that! I wanted him back...and i was sure he will come back..so during that time i felt really good beeing alone, i was happy!! (but i knew in my mind that we will find the way back to each other)
--then we started dating again and i told him that i still want him to give our relationship another chance!
So we came back together this january! I was the most happiest woman in the world!
...then a few weeks after that.. a anxiety hits me like i never felt before..i was so anxious that he would leave me again or that we would end up fighting so hard again! I was really anxious, i couldnt concentrate on my studies for weeks it was so in my mind!
The same anxious attack came back 3 weeks after..in february! i found myself lying on my bed and crying because of my fear!
Then i figured out that the birth control pill may could causes my symptoms..i also had a physical side effects! Maybe i was so argumentative because of the pill?!?
So then we decided to stop my birth control pills which i took for 8 years----
Then everything became worse.. im suffering from panick attacks during the day also in the nights.. i have terrible nightmares and i dont know anymore which is me and which is the pill or whatever..
So now i feel like i cant handle this relationship with my boyfriend anymore.. im doubting my feelings toward him every single minute!
I have terrible thoughts..like we are not really happy with each other..or who will be his next girlfriend? i can not really be like myself because he hates when im impulsive...i want to be with another man who can fight with me...he is too nice and he never looses controll..(like everyone does from time to time) when i see a lucky couple i get jealous..when i hear my parents fighting or nagging about each other i feel like we cant do this...we dont have this in our relationship..if i see my friends happy with their boyfriends i think OMG we dont have this..i feel like im missing a lot in my relationship then...and my boyfriend is not like this or that and i hate his character..
Im just not happy..i feel depressed and i could cry everytime..i cant concentrate on my study and i feel like crap everyday.. like everyone knows that im having big problems and i feel like im going crazy! i feel like i have to quit but then i cant..because i love him! or not?!?
I dont know what i have to do...its hopeless and i cant find a solutioun out of this mess! Am i unhappy in my relationship and just not brave enough to quit? Or is it ROCD? Or what is it? Im seeing a therapist since 3 weeks now..but somehow im not feeling better
I dont know what is wrong with me..is something wrong with me? Or is it just the relationship which makes me feel like this? I feel somehow that i would feel better when i quit with him now..or would i feel like crap again? Or like a bird..a free bird...but somehow i really love him and dont want to loose him, because he is actually a really good guy..i just dont know! I just know that im always somehow unhappy and feel like crap... life is good so why cant i enjoy it?
what can i do? Any ideas?