Question about ending a friendship - Open to All Other Health Topics Message Board

Ariadne · 09-02-2001, 11:04 PM

Hi - I am new to this board and I have a question. I have a friendship that I think has run it's course. I no longer get any pleasure out of this friendship and feel like I am constantly defending my actions as to why I didn't call him or ask him over to visit etc. Recently I told him I was invited to visit a trade fair with some people from work, and his first question was not "How was it?" like I would have asked but "Why didn't you ask me?"

We used to be quite good friends, although not for very long - about 12 months. He helped me cope with my breakup with my long term partner and I did need his support at that time. He did confess to having a "crush" on me several months ago. I feel as though he expected, and is still expecting, something to happen between us when I split up with my partner (I am female btw, and 6 years older than him - he is also very immature in his thoughts and argumentative - I feel like I am talking to my little brother)

The truth is I am not at all atracted to him and he can't understand why. He recently accused me of having changed after I split up with my partner (who I was in love with for years and years)- I asked him did he expect me to stay the same unhappy person!!?!!?!!

He is very clingy and needy for physical contact hugs, holding hands etc, but I can't bear for him to touch me. It is a gut reaction to pull away from him whenever he comes near me. I feel like a nasty cow for thinking these things, because he is a good person, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I would like to distance myself from him because he does not make me feel good. Does anyone have any advice?

I have tried explaining that I am too old for him, it isn't right for me, I have tried not answering his emails but this makes him beligerant and I get told off next time he sees me. We work in the same building and I feel like I have to avoid certain parts of the building to avoid running into him...

He has called and emailed me several times already today and I can only avoid answering the phone for so long.....Help me please!!

ILOVEARIZONA · 09-03-2001, 09:24 AM

hi ariadne! g-day! i really don't know what to say but i read your post in the control freak section. thought it was nice. i sure hope you get this situation figured out. i can understand about not wanting to hurt his feelings. i felt that way in the past and that has gotten me in to trouble. i can see how it can be frustrating though especially since you think he is a nice person and you work in the same building. you say he can't understand why you're not attracted to him. is he not able to except that fact? have you explained things to him fully? i hope it works out for you.

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STEPHANIE :-)

Ariadne · 09-03-2001, 05:13 PM

I have tried to explain it to him. About once a week is all I can handle of his company, as soon as I do make contact with him he is back to emailing me 20 times a day and I don't have time to reply so he gets cranky all over again! He is dealing with all the sorts of growing pains that 22 year olds deal with, and I'm past all that. I have my own problems to deal with without feeling obliged to try to solve his problems as well. Apart from the fact that everytime he has a cry on my shoulder he argues with any advice I try to give him. He is just too high maintenence for a friend. My last B/F was high maintenence as well and I just can't cope with it!!

He needs to find a girlfriend I think - and he's using me as his proxy girlfriend, but I've told him he can't transfer those feelings onto me because I don't reciprocate them!

Thanks for your reply tho... gradually I am thinking all this out! In the past it has never been this hard to drift away from someone. Usually both me and whatever friend recognise that the friendship has run it's course, and just let it go!

islandia · 10-04-2001, 08:01 PM

your "friend" was the emotional support that was lacking from your relationship with your boyfriend and you used him to make your self feel wanted always giving him just enough to keep him thinking he might get what he desired if you don't overlook the obvious fact that you are leading him on, you could cut him loose i'm sure he'd get over it and when he's found someone, if your ego can take that, that he wants and can have, you'll have the plutonic relationship you think you want

islandia · 10-04-2001, 08:02 PM

try being blunt and direct