Marriage Problem - Open to All Other Health Topics Message Board

indamnified · 08-28-2001, 02:44 PM

I've been married to my husband for 7 years last week. It's been a very hard 7 years due to many different issues including, but not limited to his alcoholism, physical mental abuse, calling other women, money issues, and my jealousy, etc. About 3 weeks ago, he came home from work, and didn't talk to me. Three days passed, and he still had nothing to say, so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing was wrong, that he was tired, and wanted to go to sleep. So I let it go. That Sunday morning, he still wasn't talking to me, so I asked again. He said that it had to do with him wanting to go drink (he's been sober for almost 3 years), and he was just "in a mood". I accepted that. But when we got to his parents' house later that day, he said he needed to talk to me about something. We went into a bedroom where he flat out told me that he is no longer in love with me, that he isn't happy with where our life is going, and that he wants to start using Rogaine, and he wants a divorce. (???) Of course, this hit me pretty hard. First thing I thought was "AFFAIR". Second thing I thought was "PRE-MIDLIFE CRISIS" (he's only 29). Then as the days passed, I thought I had done something wrong. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This wouldn't be such a difficult time if we didn't have a 6 yr old son. I would pack his things and toss them out on the lawn and bid him farewell. But that can't happen. I swore I would never beg anyone for anything, but I did beg him to think of his family before making such a rash decision. He said that he is a selfish person, and the only person he thinks of above himself is our son. Well, I have a hard time seeing that.

We have since been able to discuss things further, and he still says he's no longer in love with me, but he's willing to give the marriage some time before he makes his final decision. Do I want that? Of course, for my son, I would like for him to stay, but, if he's not in love with me, I don't know that I can continue pretending. I deserve better than this after all we've been through. Our son deserves better.

This obviously isn't the full story. This is just a brief (HA!) description of my problem. I don't think there is anyone out there who can give me a definitive answer on what I should do, but I thought maybe getting it off my chest might alleviate my pain.

I don't ask for much. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want my husband to be open and honest with me and quit hiding things and lying. And I want my son to be healthy and happy. Is that so much to ask?

wearesiamese · 08-28-2001, 03:19 PM

Wow, that sucks. But about your son.... I've heard many kids from divorced families say that the divorce was more preferable than living in a tense household where the parents aren't in love and aren't getting along. He's only 6 now, but before long he'll be old enough to know what's going on, and that your husband is running around with other women, etc. This is not the type of role model you need for your son. Perhaps your husband is a good dad, and he can still be a good dad if you guys split up, but he won't be a good example of what it means to be a husband. Before you decide to sacrifice the rest of your happiness so your son won't be hurt, do a little research as to what is better for kids-- two good parents living apart, or a mom and dad fighting all the time in the same house.

BJ24 · 08-29-2001, 01:01 PM

My heart goes out to you. I couldn't imagine what your going though. I would tell you that I wouldn't want to be in a loveless marriage, anyway you look at it. I agree with the person above about children. I think your sone would rather have his parents separated and friends then living in a house like that. Girl, it is time for you to think about YOU and what you need and want. YOu know your going to take care of your son but you also need to take care of you!! You have to belive that you DESERVE the best, you deserve to have someone love you completely. YOu follow your heart and things will work out.
I wich you and your son the best..

Sallen · 08-29-2001, 06:13 PM

My heart goes out to you. My daughter was six years old when my husband announced he was in love with someone else, so I know you're hurting. If it's any comfort, my daughter is now a wonderful, well adjusted 27 year old just starting her own marriage. Difficult as it was, I do not regret leaving the man. And I have no complaints now about him as a father...despite *our* differences, it was always there for our kid. As for the idea that at six they don't notice...believe me, they notice, or so my daughter tells me. She has said it was actually a 'relief' when we split....no more laying awake at night hearing us argue, ect. As has been said, the most important thing is doing what is best for your child....*and* for you. My prayers are with you....

peaceofmind · 09-01-2001, 09:18 AM

I agree with the others in their sympathy towards you, as well as the notion that your son needs a better role model. My parents were divorced when I was one, and since they had a severly disfunctional relationship, the time I spent away from them was the only thing that preserved my sanity growing up.

Your husband is not bonded to you and that is not repairable. My dad was not bonded to my mom, and I naturally gravitated towards un-bondable people for years without realizing it. That type of relationship is subtly abusive and contains dishonesty. Your son is already at risk for continuing this cycle.

It's never easy to just "get out". Seek truthfullness (which included being honest to yourself), and find healthy interactions with people. It's possible that normal, caring people are just passing you by because you are comfortable in a disfunctional life. You owe more to yourself, and to your son. Pray, seek advice (not from friends who also have problems like yours - that's why their still IN their problems), and act.

Good luck and God bless.