Kirsty

Thanks for your comments Kim.

The only reason i have never realy spoke to my parents is becuase it is a hard thing to get across.
I'm really close with my mum and I talk to her about everything and i'm sure she would be great but I don't think becuase of how she is, that she will never understand properly.

I may as well say the problem but writing down makes me feel that you won't see it as stongly as I feel.

ok, when I was in year 8 at school (thats when your 13-14 in Britain) I was totaly alone. My friends werent real friends infact they were bullying me, I was going through a really low point in my illness and had been told I would never walk againand everyday was just so hard. I would sit alone and couldnt conentrate and started smoking and there was just nothing for me to focus on.

Then my brother was born.

For a start nobody expected it to be a boy, I already had 2 younger sisters and he was just suddenly here. I loved him since I first saw him and now he is 3 (last week) I have been maternal since he was born. Everytime he is taken away I want to cry becuase I really love him so much, I am always treating him and I am the one he loves spending time with. I have taught him somuch and he realy is advanced for his age knowing all the colours, shapes, numbers, letters and I have taught him how to us ecomputers and he even knows some spanish.

He means everything to me but I so want him to be mine, or for me to ahve my own child.

I have made countless baby names lists and I have been in teen parent chatrooms saying I had a daughter called Shreece.

I have made the character of Shreece so real and know I just want he rto be real, and matthew to call me mum.

My heart aches so much I feel like somebody who has been told they cant have children, or somebody who has lost a child.
A part of me just believes I never will be a mummy becuase nobody wants a wife that cant even walk.

I would be a great parent and I know i'm so young and its so impracticle but it doesn't stop me from getting this stab in my chest when Matthew says no I want my mummy.

I get him to call me mum, and when we go out together just me and him if somebody mistakes me for his mum it makes me so happy (i do look older)

I don't know what to do, I don't want all maternal instincts to go awya with a drug or something becuase then I won't love Matthew as much. I just want to not think about being a parent all the time.

You all think i'm a freek now, and I know I am realy. I felt stupid the second I told my best friend becuase she didn't understand becuase she has never had feelings like these.
I also could never tell my mum incase she tried to take Matthew away from me, I need him to get through and I won't let anybody take him from me.

Kirsty (The ugly wheelchair freek)