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Old 09-30-2002, 10:23 PM   #1
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Unhappy Trouble with my stepdaughter! PLEASE HELP!

Hello all!
I'm 26 years old and I have 3 stepchildren. My husband is 45 and has 3 kids: son(21)daughter(18)daughter(16). I use to get along pretty well with them all....especially my 18 year old step daughter. She and I were like best friends. She moved in with my hubby and I almost 3 years ago. She was pretty good at first but then she started to change. I know that people say that teenagers do that but this was so unlike her. She acted like she hated us and didn't want to be with us at all. She dated a guy that treated her awful! He drank, smoked pot a few times, cheated on her numerous times, etc. He was making her ugly! (I mean her attitude!) She loved him though. One night she came home in a rage. Went to her bedroom and broke a glass picture frame. We basically asked her what was going on and tried getting her to talk. She ignored us. We told her that if she wanted to move back in with her mom she could. We didn't want her to but if it was what she wanted then she could. She was only 17 at the time. Within 20 minutes she had her bags packed and was on the phone to her mom crying and making it sound lots worse than what it was. She's the type that tries to make someone look bad only if it makes her look good. Don't get me wrong.....I love her to death but she is very deceitful. Anyway, her mom asked her if she wanted her to call the cops and she said yes so they showed up at our doorstep within minutes. They ended up taking her to the LEC to wait for her mom to pick her up. She made the decision to leave and move in with her mom that night. 2 days later, my brother called me to say that he had a new neighbor.........my stepdaughter. She had come her and moved in with her friend and her friend's parents. She started telling everyone around town (and mind you I live in a town where population is around 1,000 people so everybody knows everybody and their business) that my husband hit her so she called the cops and they took her away. She told lots of other lies about us too. It makes me angry just thinking about it now too. This happened about 2 1/2 months ago and she turned 18 about a month after she moved out. With it being such a small town we see her at times but we don't even look at each other. She hasn't bothered to call us but she's been to my sister a few times to talk to her and see how the family is doing. I am still very angry as well as my husband but I miss her. She graduates from high school this year and I want my husband and I to be a part of that. I am so confused and don't know what to do. I'd love to drive over and see her or just call her but I'm too afraid. 3 days after she left my husband called her and she threatened to put an order of protection on him........on what grounds? I just don't want her to go to the cops and say that we're harrassing her or anything. Do I wait for her to come to us or what? Can someone please help me? Thanks in advance!

Sweety

 
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Old 09-30-2002, 11:57 PM   #2
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I'd say wait. Hopefully it's a phase she'll grow out of. You can still attend her graduation. Use the tough love approach.

[This message has been edited by Frangipani (edited 10-01-2002).]

 
Old 10-01-2002, 06:50 AM   #3
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Sweetypi, has this girl always been so up and down with her thinking and perceptions? Is it possible she took some kind of drug that has rearrange the brain? She sounds like she's got to be the center of attention at all times. I have a sister that does this type of lying, and everyone knows this. Is it possible she was sexually assaulted, sounds like the type of personality problems that goes with this type of abuse. It's usually a big secret when this happens. So it could of happened, and if she likes to stretch the stories to begin with, then if she was assaulted, it only compounds things. Just a though mind you.

I feel for you and your hubby. You don't deserve to be treated this way,
try and concentrate on the kids that appreciate your concern. She's got problems that's for sure, and apparently wants to stir up trouble for you and your hubby. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. Don't be suprised if she shows up one day looking for a hand out. Cause that's about the only reason she would, she's only thinking of herself and the trouble she can cause. I worry about the other kids being around her. What did her bio mom say to all this? Why didn't she move in with her? Maybe the step daughter will straighten out, but chances are she's going through a very selfish period, and wants to be the center of attention in anyway she can. Diana

 
Old 10-01-2002, 10:08 AM   #4
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Thanks for the feedback. Her bio mom is pretty selfish herself. Didn't want her living with her and that's how we got her in the first place. I think she thought that if she moved out of our home she'd get child support for the youngest one that she still has living with her. Much to her surprise, the courts say that she can't get the support. HE HE! Her mom helps her at her own convenience and if it makes us look bad she helps even more. Her mom warned us of her behavior before she moved in and told us that she is a habitual liar but I felt that we needed to be there for her and help her instead of pushing her away only to worsen herself. She is the type of kid who is in it all for herself but infront of others (including my family) she portrays herself to be the innocent victim. I miss her so much and want to talk to her and see her! It's about killing me! I hope you're right though and that it's just a "phase" she's going through. She keeps in contact with my sister and her kids and that sorta bothers me. She asked my sister if she could take my 7 year old niece to her boyfriends 18th bday party (cuz my niece thinks he's cute.........just innocent though) and my sister let her take her. The party was at a local establishment so no alcohol or smoking or anything.....it's just the idea that my sis gives into her and allows her to be a part of the family knowing she did us wrong. This is what confuses me! I don't believe she was sexually assaulted because she's the type that would "run" to the authorities at any given time over anything! I think maybe she just got fed up with our minor rules. But she's 18 now and she knows that we are no longer "legally" responsible for her but we'll always be her parents and we will always be there for her if she needs us. Thanks so much for the input......more feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again!

Sweety

 
Old 10-02-2002, 08:12 AM   #5
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Sweetypi, you wrote:it's just the idea that my sis gives into her and allows her to be a part of the family knowing she did us wrong. This is what confuses me.

At least someone is involved that's family, I doubt it's has anything to do with your sis trying to hurt you. Although with the lying part your stepD. does, I wouldn't want my daughter going anywhere with her alone. This way at least you know what's going on with her. As kids get older they sometimes realize that support is hard to find when you've burned all the bridges behind you. If she ever did want to move back in, the rules would still have to stand. Otherwise she'll make your lives a total hell. Right? Chances are now that's she's 18 you won't hear too much, unless she needs a hand out. Just curious, when is her birthday, I have a pretty neat book on that if you want me to write on it. Diana

 
Old 10-02-2002, 10:00 AM   #6
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drs,

By what I said, I just meant that if my sis keeps in close contact with her, that might ruin the opportunity for her to come to us. If everyone else shut her out I thought maybe she'd come to us "in need" and I just think that as long as my sis keeps her "up to date" with what's going on in the fam, it may prolong her coming to us. I don't mind that my family talks to her or anything, I just wish she'd come to us to talk. We had the same problem with her older bro when he lived with us. His mom made the grass look greener on the other side and he left here to go back to her and about 8 months later (the day he turned 18) she kicked him out. He ended up in jail about 1 month later and he's been in jail in 3 different counties since. Just about a month ago he went to prison. He's still there and faces 5-10 years. He will be 21 in December. We are now talking to him and writing back and forth and I just don't want that to happen to his sister. She turned 18 in August. I don't mind if you write about this. If it's public then people just like me will maybe know how to handle these types of situations when they come up. I'm sure she'll be back........maybe for money or something but I just don't want it to come to that. Her bro did the same thing and only contacted us when he needed money and we would give in to him and later found out he was buying drugs with the money so we "cut him off". I want to be able to help the kids but we can't make the same mistakes twice. Thank you so much for listening!

Sweety

 
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