I've been depressed for about 5 years, since I was 13, when a rather evil girl ruined my confidence, revealed all my secrets and turned all my friends at the time against me. This triggered all the usual suicidal thoughts and pessimistic tendancies associated with depression in me...although I've never been to my doctor about it because I'm too embarrassed. My parents both have manic depression and I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I managed to get my confidence back over the years, until last year my manipulative (now ex) boyfriend dumped me, because I depressed him. I have lost all my close friends over the past year because I have moved colleges. I work 5 days a week at college and the remaining two in a clothes store, so I don't have any time to meet anyone new.
The point is, I feel that my confidence is gone forever. I hate myself because I ruin people's moods with my own depressing mood, I am unmotivated to get any of my coursework done because I feel so sad, and I would love to make new friends but everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcastic and puts people off talking to me. I don't have time to see a specialist or go out in the evening and talk to people, so does anyone have any tips for me to get my confidence back? Thankyou for reading this.
You say you were OK up until aged 13. What were the qualities that made people like you - and you like yourself - back then? Chances are you haven't lost them, you just need to find them again.
You seem intelligent by your words, I'm sure you'll get by.
The truth is, I only had a few friends until I was 13. I was one of those kids who did ballet and sung and played loads of instuments and all the teachers loved her...and so the other children bullied her and set her hair alight (it was butt-lengh, how could anyone resist?). I never cared what people thought of me as long as I had my talent. I was actually offered a scholarship to study at the London Ballet until I was 18 wqhen I was 9, which I turned down. I've given up all my art-related talents now, and so I'm easier to beat down when it comes to insults...which is I suppsoe what happened. My confidence was rubbed away day by day by the bullies who made my life hell as a young teenager.
I'm actually borderline genius. It frightens people to think that I am so young and yet know more than them (even though I look a good 5 years older than I am...which is also confusing), and because I sound smarter they think I'm going to quash their efforts at conversation, which I would never do because having intelligent conversation with a person at my level is very valuable.
Ditch the embarassment,& talk to your Dr.about this.I was bullied also,but I didn't let It take over my life.Time Is too short to let people take over your life like they have..........Get some help.......
I would rather not talk to my family doctor. He looks at me like I'm the most insignificant person he's ever seen, and rushes every appointment I have with him down to 5 minutes so he can get the next patient in. I don't think he's ever actually looked at my face while he's talking to me. I can't describe to him symptoms of a sore throat, never mind my state of mind! Every other doctor I have seen in the surgery displays the same characteristics-like I'm taking up too much of their time/being a nuisance/making something up (a woman doctor at the surgery refused to put me on oral contraception a while back because I was 'too nervous' so she thought I was lying about the answers she gave me...when in fact I was just terrified of her). I can't exactly move surgeries.
My family doctor is responsible for putting my parents on a lot of different medications over the years-my dad also spent a couple of weeks in a mental home after being referred to a mental health worker by our doctor, apparently he needed to be in there whilst getting off some drugs and getting onto another kind because he may have become suicidal-and that affected him more than depression did. I don't trust my doctor and never will, because he is responsible for turning my father into a zombie for several years. I know I can change doctors but that brings my onto another problem...
I have somewhat of a complex about using the phone, if it is to ring someone I don't know to ask for something. It coes across to me as begging, and I know it is irrational because the person I am phoning, like a receptionist, deals with these kind of calls every day...I just don't want to be any trouble.
Bullying doesn't take over my life, as most of it ended quite some time ago-the product of it, my lack of confidence, obviously controls my life. I don't share my feelings a lot of the time because I don't want to upset people, or be unpolite in company of others-most of the time the words won't come out of my mouth. I don't like to admit to having the same problem as my parents as most people see depression as an excuse, not a mental illness.
It sounds to me like you have social anxiety disorder.
There is a stress and anxiety forum on this board, BTW.
You don't need to keep seeing your doctor if you don't want to. I've had the same doc for all of my 22 years and I've recently realised that he's a jerk. He sits there staring into space, rolling his eyes as I speak. I chose to go to another guy at the surgery, someone younger who I can manipulate.
Anyways, good luck.
[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 10-30-2002).]
I have a lot of trouble using telephones....but when people meet me, speak with me etc they get the impression that I'm very professional and together-which I obviously find hard to fathom! I don't dread speaking to people because the interaction frightens me-its because I know I put out a personality that doesn't exactly match what I am like inside (on the other hand, I am as as outgoing as I appear most of the time...I'm just confidence lacking so it's a bit fake!) ...and also the horrible sarcasm! I'll share a funny anecdote that happened the other week with you, it's a good example:
I go into a corner shop and there is a friendly shop assistant I hadn't seen before behind the counter. I make my purchase, and to make conversation he compliments me on my teeshirt (which happens to have a band's emblem on it) and says 'so...you like <band> then?' I reply 'yes!'...then as I'm turning to go out of the shop 'NO. I don't like them. I'm being ironic.'
Now, this isn't a case of teenage angst gone wrong, this is sarcasm in the extreme! I know I use it because I'm afraid of revealing how I'm really feeling (this shop assistant was particularly attractive, lol)...it's just hard to snap out of it. Just a case of minding my words.
Just thought I'd share because it was a bit funny!
[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 10-30-2002).]
Hey BeautifulCarlotta, I understand kind of what you must feel like.
I used to get bullied alot at school, so I became very anti-social. I created emotional 'shields' and it has taken me a number of years to actually remove them.
I used lots of internet instant messengers, and they did help a little. As for being clever, well I wouldn't say I am really smart, but I do tend to be able understand things that other people get confused by. Somtimes I think most people like to just drift through life.
I still have toubles to today doing things that require too much confidence, but I am getting better at, through practice. :-). Take tings one step at a time !!