I HATE MYSELF! - Open to All Other Health Topics Message Board

kooky · 09-26-2003, 12:46 AM

ok i kno ive never been the most popular person, but my life is getting to be too much! i just graduated from highschool and was accepted at UCLA. but my grants and scholarships did not cover my tuition and i ended up at junior college. this doesnt sound bad except for the fact that ive been in advanced classes and all my friends are all super smart. i am the only one of them that stayed in california and is going to a community college. all my friends left for the east coast. i still live at home b/c i own part of the house we live in, and my mom doesnt really want me to go. im really shy and its hard for me to make friends, even if someone is nice to me, it seems they are just being polite. my baby kitty died about a week ago... she was eaten by a coyote. my mom found her gutted a block away from our house and had a nervous break down. (she was the apple of our eye and my mom's surrogat child) the only person i had was my boyfriend to comfort me but he had to go back to pomona to study and work... his cell doesnt work and never has time to email me. im really really lonely and i hate my life right now. i have noone to lean on and it seems sometimes like no one cares about me. i miss my kitty, i miss my friends, i feel like a huge loosser and a failure at 18!!! even when people are nice to me its such a surprise and i always have to hold back tears. i love my boyfriend and i wish he was here, but he never calls anymore! whats wrong with me! why am i such a looser!!!!!!! please i know im pathetic but im slowly trying to get sick because of all the tension and crap i have going on.

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believe in me like i belive in you- tonight tonight.

40somethingGuy · 09-26-2003, 01:34 AM

I think you should set a goal for yourself & make it the focus of almost all your attention. To me it sounds like UCLA is where you belong. You're 18 & an adult in many ways. Your mom should be supporting you achieving that goal as it would be something to be proud of. Sorry about the kitty, that would suck for anyone, but if your mom took it that hard, she sounds pretty lonely & seems to maybe be clinging too much to you.

If you got grants, did you check into loans to cover the rest? My daughter graduated last December. She did her whole college years on grants & loans. I just finally paid off all my loans after being a flake for years, but I helped my daughter with some occassional expenses & emergencies, but she did it pretty much by herself. She has debt now, but also has a great job.

If you feel like you were meant to be at UCLA, you can get there. You didn't get all those grants for being a looser, so take courses this semester that will transfer for credit in UCLA, find a counseler over there to believe in you & a financial aid person, & just do it. If your mom won't let go & be an encouraging force in your life now for achieving your young adult goals, then don't discuss them with her. Don't let anyone hold you back. Give your self-esteem a major shot in the arm by choosing one small goal at a time & GO GET IT! Just take it one day at a time... make sure your acceptance is still good next semester, or next fall.. whatever, then get loans lined up, even get a job there in the summer & start getting geared up before classes start. You part own a house? When your gone, maybe your mom will want to rent a room? she will be less needy for you top hang around, & maybe your share will justify some rental incom... get her to refinance & pull some cash out, rates are low now... she could even buy you out of your portion to free up expenses for your tuition at UCLA... even get an investment property near campus from your mom buying out your share, live in it for 4 years, graduate, sell it for a profit... dream big & go make something of yourself while you're still young. You can wallow in self pity later, right now you are young, take the world by the tail & make it your playground! Where would this boyfriend be if you were in UCLA? If he don't have time for you, don't waste anymore on him. You love him? make him show you he deserves it... sounds like he's not doing that at the moment.

OK I'm all opinionated out... hope it don't come off as anything but the encouragement it was intended to be.

Want 2 B Well · 09-26-2003, 06:58 AM

Kooky, let me say that there is hope. Have you ever been to counseling? Since you are in community college perhaps you can find a recommendation of someone to see to talk out your problems. It can be very helpful to talk to someone who is not connected with you so they can give you a fresh perspective.

You have reached a crossroad in your life and it won't be the last one. Figuring out how to handle "crossroads" will turn you into a successful adult. I am at one coming up on 40.
The previous poster is right about setting a goal for yourself and attaining it.
If UCLA is your goal, figure out how to make it happen.
Good Luck and I know that you can do it!

MrsLee · 09-26-2003, 07:56 AM

Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have felt that way before....you are not alone. I have felt this way before, but IT DOES get better.

The time period after high school when you are starting college is always an akward time. Your life is changing so much and it's pretty easy to get overwhelmed. PLease try not to compare yourself to your friends. I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's very true: you will not hang out with all these people for the rest of your life! I am 21 years old, a senior in college, and I don't talk to ANY of my old high school friends on a regular basis. That is how much your life will be changing.

Do what makes you happy, and if that is going to UCLA, then find a way to go there. It is very easy to get student loans if grants don't pay for everything. I agree that it's very important to set goals for yourself.

Someone once told me that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it. I try to remember this when I feel hopeless and depressed. I also agree that it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor. It sounds like you have a lot of feelings you need to sort out.

By the way, I am so sorry for the loss of your cat. I think it's normal to go through a grieving period after the loss of a pet. I am a cat lover and I know how sad it is to lose one.

Anyways honey, hold your head up, you can get through this. Take care and good luck!

drayasnhere · 09-26-2003, 08:55 AM

KOOKY DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED LISTEN TO 40 SOMETHING GUYS ADVICE. HE IS OFFERING SOME VERY SOUND FATHERLY ADVICE. I AM A COLLEGE GRAD IN MY 30'S AND I WENT TO COLLEGE BY WAY OF GRANTS AND LOANS. SURE I OWE 18,000+ IN LOANS BUT I HAVE A REWARDING CAREER .I ENCOURAGE YOU TO PLEASE KEEP FOCUSED ON YOUR DREAMS OF GOING TO UCLA. HAVE FAITH AND BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF. I TO WAS IN AP COURSES DURING HIGHSCHOOL. AS FOR THE BOYFRIEND FORGET ABOUT HIM YOU ARE YOUNG AND THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF GUYS OUT THERE. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE ENDEAVORS. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF.