CorruptAsset

Yea.. I just made an account on here so if I'm not posting this in the right place or something... then oops.

Purpose of this bulletin is to get input from whoever comes on here and some advice.

I'm 95% sure I suffer from some sort of disorder, I haven't really looked into it. Whatever it is, it has progressed and worsened. I'm also 15, if that makes any sort of difference.

For a while, I've been sort've out of it. It started a long, long time ago. At first, I would be fine when I was around people, but a little sad when alone, for no reason. After a while, it got to the point where I would cry when I was alone, when I had time to think. When I wasn't busy, all I'd do is think about certain things, but it was like a long chain, once I stopped thinking of one thing, another would come up, once I found a reason to be happy, a stronger reason to be miserable would override and defeat it.

Now, I'm in constant suffering.. whether I'm busy or not. I can play it off like I'm fine most of the time when I'm around people, but sometimes it shows. For example, when someone's talking to me, I won't realize it because I'll be in my own head, thinking. By the time I do realize it, I catch only the end of what they're saying, therefor I can't really have any input. This happens a lot, which causes me to talk a lot less, and they notice. When I'm alone, it's a completely different story, I can't think at all. It seems as if my mind's clouded. If while I'm in this state of mind, and something bad happens, I panic beyond belief. All I'll want is a way out, and then the only way I see is suicide. After panicking, I'll be numb to everything. I'll go from pacing, constant movement, and partly screaming, to completely silent and unmoving. I was never like this before, and I also would've never even thought about suicide. I know it's selfish and shows weakness, but when I'm in a certain state of mind, I won't care.

This isn't all of what I go through, but I have a feeling this topic's too long anyways.

I haven't told anyone besides one or two close friends, and I don't think telling my mother would be a good idea.

Any input would be nice.