I am a family oriented person. I am the one that all the bs falls to when things don't go according to the grand family design. Most of the time I don't mind. I love my extended family, but enough is enough already.
I have a 10 year old nephew who has had problems, and been a problem from day one. His parents will not put the effort into sorting out the mess that is his life, and let me tell you, it sucks. I have no diagnosis, so I will list symptoms and information relavent to his behavior and see if anyone has any thoughts on this. Timothy is developmentally challenged. Slow. Behind. It takes him longer than the average bear to finish his assignments. Been held back two years, now, counting this year. He has a shy sweet sincere side, hugging and affectionate. He has a dangerous temper threatening and genuinely trying to harm others. He acts out in school, and is suspended constantly. He has an obsession with masterbation, and has been self mutilating and destructive, he steals everything from anyone, but most of the time just gives away what he has taken. He is cursing and hitting his peers, busting walls, yesturday he was suspended for dropping his pants around his ankles and foddling himself in the hallways. He has no real concept of conscequences, or concern for them. The school is fed up, they want to send him to a reformatory, his parents are divorced, but this started long before that, and his dad isn't worth a fig, he visits, but he doesn't deal with any of the issues, and neither does his Mom, they have two older kids, both good students, and fairly well behaved, his mom , I feel, is just waiting for the state to come in and take him rather than get him help, and I'll be honest, I have three kids of my own, that are no picnic, and I don't think it is fair to put more of this on me. When he gets suspended it's up to me to change my schedule and deal with it, and I do, because I haven't had any options, and he can't be left alone, but I am tired of cleaning up her messes, and I am so scared something is gonna happen to my nephew, and he would not survive reform school. i am at a loss. Someone, anyone, tell me what to do. I don't have custody, nor do I want it, I just want his parents to step up, and I want help for a little boy lost in this great big world. I have him copying a dictionary right now, his mind wonders off, but he has sat there for four hours now without complaint. I feel like a tyrant, and I want to hold him and play with him, but through past knowledge I know if I do, he'll just do something else at school to come back to me. Sorry this is so long.
My heart goes out to you! I to am an Aunt of a troubled 13 year old Nephew, but I am not the one that has to take care of him, my 78 year old mother is, which I hate, she (as you) should have a life of her own, this is suppose to be her golden years! And there is not alot I can do, I try to talk to him but he does not listen. He just decided that he is going to steal, not go to school, bite his Mother, slug his Mother, do drugs and so on. The sad thing is the authorities don't do anything either. He has been to court numerous times and they slap his hands and send him home, so what is that telling him that it is o.k. to do what ever you want and you don't get in much trouble. I know your situation is alot different than mine,but in our situation it would be nice if the authorities would really step in before they do something really violent (What happened to it takes a village?)
ticker is right on,this child really does need a very full total and complete evaluation done soon.since he is only ten,he can be placed into a good adolescent behavioral health facility.this works much better as far as placement if it is actually done during a real crisis he is having.they tend to take it much more seriosly.or even if you have to involve the police,it will help believe me.as you can probably tell,i have been thru this with my youngest son.it does appear your nephew has at the very least,just from some things you have described,a certain level of bi polar disorder.the fact that he also has learning disabilities just really complicates an already bad situation.my heart truely goes out to you and him and all that you are dealing with,i know it can take its toll on you,it did me.
you need to make some calls to various facilitys and find one that has a good track record for treating kids.my son was finally dxed when he was placed(for the third time but in different places because of lack of bed space,another huge issue for kids with mental health issues)in probably THE best mental health facility with a great doc who understood what it was my son actually had.his bi polar disorder was actually created BY the use of prozac,believe it or not.its called bi polar III and believe me,alot of docs and even mental health docs are not even aware this exists.the prozac actually creates this disorder in certain children who just for some reason do not react right from it.my son had no,i mean none at all, bi polar type symptoms before starting the prozac to treat what was depression symptoms that were mostly brought on from a horrid experience with total liver failure and transplant.he went thru hell with that and also had a certain level of a post tramatic syndrome.
this drug took a really wonderful caring funny and truely all around great kid and changed his personality into something really ugly and the anger?wow it became explosive at times where i would have to call the police to help intervene,luckily the cops in our city really appear to understand mental health issues and always handled things so well with my son.but his personality,his normal funny caring personality was just gone,totally gone for almost a year.the bi polar II dx really just confirmed what i had already suspected was the underlying reason for his total change.the thing is,any SSRI when given to children or even adults can in some cases,even bring out a bi polar that was underlying,but in kids,it can actually create it completely by itself.no one in either side of our families has ever had any kind of actual mental health or mood disorder,none.so his doc really strongly felt that it was indeed the prozac and the other SSRIs we tried.they finally got the message at the old FDA and now when anyone actually gets an Rx for any SSRI,you also get a couple of pages of info about warnings of just exactly what occured with my son.honestly,reading thru them is like they lifted that info right out of my sons medical files,its that accurate.
the best possible thing you can do for your nephew is to get him placed for a full eval.my sons was extremely comprhensive down to them actually doing an MRI on his brain just to be certain there was nothing else there that could be causeing problems,and this was all done after we were given the bipolar dx,they just wanted to be really really thorough,and it took about almost three weeks to complete.he stayed there the whole time for testing.this IS the type of long in depth full eval your nephew just has to obtain in order for his docs to really identify all of the possible contributing factors for his behavior.he HAS to have this not just a 72 hour hold for observation.believe me we went theru that stupid thing too.my son finally got into that hospital and Dxed and honestly,within just a few days of his brain not being constantly slammed with SSRIs,we could actually see our "normal" caring son start to emerge from all the blackness that was there for like a year.it really was amazing to see and talk with him during the time the SSRIs were finally being dissapated from his brain and system.the change really was like night and day once those damn SSRIs were stopped the very first day our son was admitted.amazing.he still has to take a mood stabilizer since he still has the depression and cannot be treated by standard methods because of the reaction to them and he still has some anger issues but we are working to help him deal with that.
you just need to keep pushing and pushing til someone listens and just does the right thing.i know its hard espescially when his mother should be doing this not you.i think she is completley in denial and needs one hell of a big wake up call and a good solid kick in the *** to wake her the heck up and take responsibility for her child.it can just be soooo overwhelming at times.she also needs a good therepist to help her to deal with all of this.i HAD to start seeing a good therepist as everything was so totally making me crazy.believe me,it was the best move i ever made just for me,and my mental health while dealing with alot of major medical problems with myself and then dealing with all of our sons.this is most definitely needed for his mother too.
but getting this child evaluated in the appropriate facility really is your number one priority with regards to doing the best possible thing for him and for you.i wish you all the luck in the world with this.i do know what you are going thru and how difficult this can be.hang in there and if you need help just hollar,i am usually hangin out here in the mornings,K?he also really does need to be hooked up with a county social worker who can help tons with that kick in the *** regarding his mother?she has a responsibility to her child that she has completely dropped on you,that should be HER responsibility.she brought that child into this world and owes it to him as his mom to just take care of him and love him.the county WILL be very helpful with this as far as giving direction and noting her negligence.but that eval is crucial soon.take care and please keep me posted,K? FB
11-20-01,placement of hardware for failed fusion
9-22-03,removal of cavernous hemangioma that was inside spinal cord. Neuro damage to L hand L leg and R leg.
I agree with the above advice to find a social worker. This child is exhibiting signs of sexual abuse. These behaviors are NOT normal and this child is screaming out for help. If his parents will not help him, you MUST. I actually had to report a close member of my own family before, it was really hard to do, but the children must come first. The main reason? Adults can make choices, reach out for help, find resources and services. Children cannot. This is a vulnerable child who is exhibiting STRONG indications that something terrible has happened to him, or IS HAPPENING NOW. You can chose to make a difference in this child's life, or you can watch him suffer and self-destruct. I pray you make the much harder, but right choice.
People say every child needs a hero..............this child needs a savior.
Sadaunt, don't forget to take care of YOU too. Remember you can't be the best mother and aunt you can possibly be if you aren't keeping up with your own mental health as well.
For your nephew, I would recommend starting with a psychiatrist if you haven't already. Forgive me if I sound like I'm talking to a 5 year old, I just want to give you as much information as I have. Obviously he is troubled over something, you need to find help and figure out what, why, and how to fix it. Could be any type of abuse, just the stuff you have mentioned about his deadbeat dad and family drama, he could have a type of mild autism, a hereditary psychiatric disorder, or he could just be gifted. A lot of kids go through hell trying to function in normal society and years later when they mature, they develop amazing artistic or creative talent (although talent doesn't cancel out the need to be functional and happy).
But I'm not a doctor and I really don't know which of those things it is, or if it's something else. I'd say start with a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist and see what they say, figure out where to go from there. And personally, since it is a child you are dealing with, I would stay away from med-happy doctors. Many disorders and problems are NOT genetic or chemical and can be permanently fixed through therapy, and if he has a chance at growing up into a happy, healthy adult who does not depend on a substance...then I'd say fight like hell for that chance.