[ PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ
So I'm a 21 year old male and I need help from anyone who has been in my position or knows where I can go to figure this out. I am very depressed and it has destroyed my life. I have always been a depressed/pessimistic person ever since my parents divorced and my dad left when I was 5 years old. However it was not until 3 years ago, when my ex girlfriend left me, that I have been EXTREMELY depressed. This girl meant the world to me and we were together in college everyday for 6 months (basically living together) and I know she was the cause of this. That all happened 3 years ago and shouldn't I be over it by now?
Well after she left me I tried to get over it. Around the end of summer 2010, I realized that I was not getting over her but rather becoming more and more depressed and obsessed over her. I tried to seek help but was not a fan of medications or brain altering drugs after my first experience with Zoloft, so because I live in California I moved to try medical marijuana. I figured it did nothing to your brain long term and was a safe alternative. This didn't really work but it was a good way to distract myself, just not one I could live off. It was expensive and not socially accepted to be high all the time on marijuana, even if I was living a better life than before. So after about 10 months of trying to continue moving on and smoking marijuana every day to get over the mood swings, I found myself having massive anxiety issues and physical fatigue. I detoxed off marijuana and realized that it was not due to your normal marijuana withdrawals (insomnia, anxiety, cold sweats, etc.). So I went to a doctor for help again but this time was a little different.
The doctor was a new doctor and I had been severely depressed at this point for a year now. I was sent to see a psychiatrist who was fully convinced that I was Bipolar II disorder and she put me on various medications for bipolar (seroquel [up to 300mgs], abilify [5mgs]). I ended up having a bad relationship with this psychiatrist after she gave me 0.25mg xanax tabs and when I took them I did not notice an effect until 0.5 mgs. After telling her this she accused me of being a drug addict attempting to get Xanax the whole time..
I went to a new psychiatrist and he put me back on Xanax but over time he got me up to 1mg 3x per day of extended release tabs. This worked fine for anxiety. He put me on Lamictal 200mgs for what he also believed was bipolar II disorder but this did not fix my depression. After another 8 months, this new doctor was also convinced I was only after Xanax when I told him that 1mg was not working as well and that I needed 1 and a half to feel the same effect.
After being accused by my two trusted psychiatrists I have given up on doctors in general. All they think about is their patient wanting to get 'high' rather than 'well.'
I am a 21 y.o. college student and I can see why they are stereotyping me and being prejudiced toward me. Regardless, I have been without medication for 2-3 months now and I am not any better. After going through Xanax withdrawals from being cold turkey cut off 3mgs a day by my doctor (they told me to go to a detox center...) I realized I did NOT want anything to do with medications that made me feel that bad when I did not have them. I could not believe doctors would do that to me.
After I was cold turkey cut off Xanax I decided to stop taking everything (the Lamictal, and at the time Lexapro) and got angry that I was being called a drug addict by every doctor I saw. So I decided.. if I was going to be called on why not try it? I got a new doctor who gives me 2-3mgs a day again but I went straight to popping a lot at one time (up to 10mgs) and going through the 75 mgs in about 4 days. I just felt ****** tired and drunk. I did not like this 'high' everyone was accusing me of abusing or jumping for.
So I remembered after having my wisdom teeth pulled that vicodin made me REALLY happy. I started trading my brother my Xanax pills for his Percocets 10/325s to experiment. After having fun getting super high off them for a week or so I found that these painkillers (opiates), if taken in a controlled manner made me feel 'normal.' I was not depressed, sluggish, or weak anymore and I even started eating again.
To this day I am sitting here trying to spill 3 years worth of crap to better understand how I can heal myself. I am VERY depressed, I have NO medications and just take whatever pills I can get my hands on that were working in the past.. vicodin, norco, percocet.. but no street drugs.
I was wondering if maybe I had a dopamine deficiency problem because unlike most people who get sluggish or tired from opiates, I get active and move around tackling my daily activities rather than sitting at home cutting myself or smoking weed. I don't know what I'm saying anymore just that I am not a drug addict or abuser but I do self medicate since I do not trust doctors anymore and have gone on my own route of what betters my life. If there is any medications like this that will not become tolerated (like xanax did) and will not supply withdrawal symptoms that I read about are really bad like Opiate withdrawal please let me know. Also can a doctor prescribe opiates for depression?
Is there something wrong with my brain? Am I bipolar? Am I fine? What the hell do I do. The only reason I even take these opiates is because they make me normal and my life progresses rather than the course its been on. Which by the way I was a 4.0 college student with a girlfriend then when she left my grades slipped to where I have to take a leave of absence until I can make enough money to pay my way out of the debt I got myself in Failing quarter after quarter from that point forward that my ex left me.
I feel like dying and I need help badly. Please, Ive tried medication, counseling, psychiatrist, exersize, eating good, NO medications (sobriety), EVERYTHING i could think of and the ONLY thing that has made me feel normal is Opiate based painkillers. WHY IS THIS?? Help PLS *** DO I DO!!