Are your friends disappearing? - Pain Management Message Board

feelbad · 01-05-2004, 04:42 PM

I wasn't sure if I should post this here or not. Should we go to the depression site? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that having chronic ,unrelenting pain causes a whole different kind of depression,and I am sure that I am not the only one here living on narcotics and antidepressants. Over the years ,as my pain has gotten worse and I have been forced to give up most of any kind of social life,and a job that I absolutely loved,I started to notice a rather big decline in the number of friends that I used to have.When you are not seeing people at work everyday,you miss out on alot of the normal person to person contact that you used to have,and those last minute ,end of the day "hey do you want to go some where for dinner"?Do you want to stop for a drink?"And the people who you used to spend alot of time with,going out and just having fun,doing ...whatever.All of these people that you used to consider your "friends",are they still around?Do they call you as much as they used to?I have been sitting here thinking about my "friends" and have come to the conclusion that most of them just aren't in my life anymore.Is it due to the fact that i just cannot go out at the drop of a hat anymore? Can't go out dancing?are they tired of hearing me ramble on about my pain?I know that alot of my family dosen't even understand just how much this pain affects EVERYTHING in my life,how can I expect my friends to understand.I guess the real reason that i am writing this is i feel like I have just lost a very special friend.He lives in another state so we don't see each other but we have been corresponding by email for about a year now,and for about the last couple weeks he has written only once or twice and it wasn't a "real" mail ,you know ,thoughts and feelings?This friend also suffers with some rather significant lower spinal degeneration and also suffers with some very significant pain.We have always been a really great support system for each other,and no matter how busy things got, we always seemed to make getting mails from each other a priority.I don't know if I have just been hammering the poor guy so much with all of the really strange and bizarre types of pain and weird sensations that I have been experiencing since the last surgery to remove the cavernous angioma from inside of my spinal cord or if I said something wrong ,although I mentioned that to him and he said that the reason he hasn't mailed is that he has just been too busy. I just don't think I can stand to lose yet another friend.This particular friend came into my life when I was really in a bad place both physically and emotionally.It is bad enough that we have to live with the pain and everything that goes along with it,but to keep losing people that you really cared about because they just don't want to deal with it,or you anymore,it just kind of tears you up inside you know?I guess what I am asking is, how do you deal with this ongoing loss?How do you get through this.We lose so much because of pain,it is really unbelievable.I am having quite the little pity party today.Anyone care to join me?We can get it all out of our systems and move on okay? Sorry to ramble, but I really needed to vent.Thanks. marcia

carol632 · 01-05-2004, 07:10 PM

Marcia, this is a tough one. I don't think there is anyone here who hasn't felt at least some of what you are feeling. I can only hope for you that this "gap" you are feeling between the two of you is just due to extenuating circumstances and has nothing to do with you, personally. Lucky for me, I am not very thin-skinned any more. I experienced the loss of a lot of friends, like you, after I quit working. The 3-4 other friends I had were lost to me, too...one died, one moved, and the other 2 just drifted away. I have survived because that is what we do...we survive.. one thing at a time. I no longer expect much from people, and I say that with no cynicism...I just understand that I cannot do the things others can, not physically and not financially for that matter. I have many people I correspond with and I belong to a couple of support boards. I do have my husband and my beloved pet as well as children (all grown). So, I manage and so can you. You just have to keep pushing and keeping all your options open. Good luck, Marcia...I hope this all works out.
Carol

wastefulltick · 01-05-2004, 10:15 PM

hi feelbad
i too am suffering from the disapearing friends syndrome now family too!! i think they get tired of hearing about my daily pain and i dont like to go out much anymore even out to eat which i used to love to do as well as fishing and having parties at my house for friends and family i just hurt so much now that i would rather sit home where i can make myself comfortible in my akward position that cause the least amount of pain cant do that at resturants i have to keep getting up walking around because of the pain and friends get annoyed when we do have parties now i sometimes go to my room for short period of time to ease the pain a little freinds and family get annoyed at that so the hell with them let me be in pain in peace
sorry about the post having a bad painful day needed to vent
bob

Rob61 · 01-06-2004, 07:49 AM

Just thought id add my 2 cents for what it's worth.

I have found the same thing you all have stated, I was told a long time a go by my mother put ALL your so called friends in a strainer and shake it real hard (for the bad times you have ) and see who's left if you have 1 you have a true friend. I too have noticed that they go away one by one day after day. Thats why I'm glad people made boards like this we all know when we say we have this or that kind of pain everyone knows what were talking about. I also lost a job i loved doing making very good money and i some times feel down but i figure it like this this was done for a reason there must be a bigger plan for me. I found it's very hard to have a relationship ( who wants a disabled person) I tell people I'm retired so they don't think less of me. I have found a women who also has problems we talk a lot and its nice to say I have this or that pain and we both understand. Sorry for rambling but i had to get it out.

May we all a one pain free day

Rob

Kayley · 01-06-2004, 08:47 AM

I know exactly how you all feel. All the people I used to work with, who I thought were good friends, all the sudden dissapeared. I have only one friend left, and I know I'm lucky to have her. I realize now that the people that dissapeared were NEVER friends to begin with. Friends are supposed to be there for you in good times and bad times. If not, they are not friends, and you are better off without them. If all they want you for is the fun times, then they are not worth it! Anyone can get sick. My sister used to tell me if I would just excercise my back would get better. Now she has a bad back too, and she apologized to me for how she used to treat me. People just don't understand till they go throught it themselves. If there is one good thing to come out of this for me, it is that it has taught me to love myself and be more compassionate towards others. I think groups like this are wonderful, because pain is such a lonely thing, and being able to talk to others in your shoes helps a ton!
Bless you all!
Kayley