lindao1

Hi there,

I just wanted to offer my experience to you as I've been where you're at now. I've been a caregiver for my entire adult life: my father (bedridden for 6 years due to six strokes), my grandmother (bedridden for 3 years with ALS), and lastly my beloved mother (whom I took care of for the last 15 years of her life).

Being the sole caregiver to an elderly parent is one of the toughest, yet most rewarding jobs you'll ever do even though now it doesnt appear that way. My mother died 8 years ago this month and I would give anything to be able to talk with her today, whether about the weather or her physical problems or whatever.

There is a very simple solution in dealing with elderly parents: make them feel needed! That's it. They have loss their independence, their ability to do for themselves, their livelihood. How would you feel if you loss all of that? They struggle to get up in the morning from pain (real pain, not perceived pain), they walk feeling like they're on a tightrope and could fall any minute with bones that are peanut brittle, they see thru eyes fogged by cataracts and hardened arteries, they hear thru ears that may as well be covered with earmuffs. That's just the beginning of their day. The rest of their day is dependent on someone else. They had to give up driving, they can't cook anymore because they left the burner on, they can't make it to the bathroom in time, they can't eat the things they enjoy, they fall asleep (if they're lucky) from the sheer exhaustion of existing. And then... it starts all over the next day.

When I was caring for my mother I had no social life. (I even turned down two marriage proposals during these 15 years and in the end it worked out so well cause now I have my current husband and could not imagine anyone else in my life!). It was no sacrifice to me as I felt it was the least I could do for what she has done for me. Sure, there were days I wanted to scream and just run out of the house. My faith was faltering terribly. But she meant too much to me. My days were filled with dr. appts, hospitalizations, changing diaper pads, cleaning up poop, cooking two meals each time because she had a hard time chewing, and yes listening to her complaints day in and day out. But I understood that she had every reason to complain. Her life was not her own. What I finally (!) figured out was her dignity was the only thing I could control and that is what I focused on. Just asking her questions (even though I knew the answer), asking her opinion on something (even if her answer didn't make sense), allowing her to reminenese (sp?) about the past which she knew much more about than the present day, reading to her in the quiet of the evening, letting her vent her frustrations that I, as a 30-45 year old, couldn't possibly understand. All these things not only made her feel valuable and worth something in this world, but it made it so easy for me to continue to be the daughter I wanted to be. It gave her enough self-respect and worthiness to better cope with the myriad of struggles she had to endure. And it was so simple.

Dear, with your mother being 70, I believe her pain is real. Just the fibromyalgia is a tough road for anyone, much worse for someone her age. I have it so I know and I'm only 51. I'm on strong pain medicine for it and a few other problems. I can't imagine having to deal with it without something for the pain. Trust me on this. It's a devastating syndrome to have. I do understand so completely your frustration. But your mother has a bigger right to be frustrated. How is it that the drs don't have any answers? You need to not search for just any 2nd or 3rd opinion, but find a dr. who is experienced in geriatric medicine (my mother's was a geriatric/internal med guy). Believe me, it will make a world of difference in your mother and YOU. They understand all the things I've offered here and much more. They know how to interpret the distinct complaints of the elderly and to turn those complaints into acceptance and answers. Something new that was not available to me for a long time is respite care. Places where your mother can be taken well cared for while you reward yourself with something that is important to you. Also, now they have elder daycares which do the same thing. And the Visiting Nurses' Assc. and Companion Care are worth their weight in gold! I used these services toward the very end as I was determined not to put my mom in a nursing home as long as I had breath in me). I feel I was a pioneer in this elder care "business", since 1972. Things really are much better now. You just have to be willing to seek out the help available. Granted your mother may be reluctant at first to accept these kinds of assistance. But please be patient. Just as a child needs constant nurturing, comfort and a feeling of security, so does your mother.

I'm sorry this post was so long. It's just that this is a sensitive and important subject to me and I wanted to let you know what worked for me. You will have some really difficult days ahead. It's important that whenever possible, even if it's just 30 minutes, "steal" those 30 minutes for yourself. You must remember that you are committing yourself to one of the most selfless acts of love a human can give another. Just remember to listen to your mother, really listen and put her dignity above all else and both you and her will get thru this with no regrets. I wish you the best dear. You really are a wonderful daughter and thru all of your mother's complaints, I'm sure she knows that and knows how blessed she is to have you. Take care sweetie. Linda