B/f sharing to much info - Pain Management Message Board

Wingsoflove · 05-23-2006, 11:59 PM

Hi,
Has anyone experienced there partner in my case a boyfriend sharing your personal information with co workers or friends? For some reason my b/f feels it is ok to share with his co workers what my diagnoses is, or what tests or treatments I'm having. I have made it clear I do not appreciate this nor do I think its ok. I have made him swear to stop and I explained to him how it made me feel. Is this common for boyfriends/ husbands or other family members to do this? My b/f is caring and helpful goes with me to every apt, helps me when I'm sick. Does special things for me. I just was taken back by the blabber mouth thing at work. I know there are all kind of things that come up in a relationship when one person has a disease or problem that causes pain, so I thought the PM board would be a good place to bring this up.

kelsey1 · 05-24-2006, 12:17 AM

hi
i think maybe your b/f talks about your health problems to people at work because maybe he just needs to vent .Kind of like we do here . It sounds like he is a great b/f and is very much a part of your treatment maybe he would do good with finding a place on the internet to share his concerns ,fears and ect.It just sounds like he is needing to vent himself.just a guess.Good luck kelsey

Shoreline · 05-24-2006, 01:43 AM

HI WOL, Perhaps your expecting a bit too much.? Who is he supposed to talk to about something that impacts any relationships so greatly. Would paying someone 100 bucks an hour really be a btter alternative?

Just as there are things we don't tell our spouses or SI's what's going on in our head, really for their own good as not to scare or concern them, we have an outlet here. I'm sure there are support groups of some type for caregivers of chronically ill patients , is telling total strangers any different? He may be more comfortable venting with someone he knows that he feels can imagine what things are like from his perspective.

Other than extremely personal intimate info, I really don' see a line he's crossed. It's not a betrayal of any sort and cutting off his only outlet to vent really doesn't seem fair either. Certainly you don't want to hear for the 50th time how he's tired that plans had to change or you couldn't do this or couldn't do that. The fact he's discussing procedures that should hopefully help seems very reasonable and shows genuine concern..

If it were any other condition, would it be wrong to discuss? If you had a heart attack, is that more private than CP or any other medical problem. Unless your condition is somehow embarrasing for you I really don't see a violation of trust. Most of us have had to accept the loss of modesty and the little indignities that come with chronic illness and being a patient. I can't count how many nurses have pulled out catheters after surgery, How many times I have had various parts shaved or simply left half naked on a table or in a hospital bed with my backside flappin in the breeze.

It would like being self concious about having your clothes cut off in the ER after an MVA and left naked on the table as every part of your body is examined with a half dozen strangers poking and watching and the curtain pulled half closed. That's just part of life and is it realistic to expect him to share your same discomfort even if he isn't embarrased or ashamed. He's obviously dealing with it or he wouldn't still be around.

Instead of being appalled he's talking about something that has a major impact on his life, be greatful he isn't walking out the door because he simply can't deal with whatever the chronic problem is that he has a choice about subjecting himself to.
Your illness or injury effects him too and yet he chooses to stay. You can't say you would do the same untill you're in that position yourself.

Good luck and give the guy some credit, Dave

BlueSteam · 05-24-2006, 07:20 AM

I have to agree with everyone. While you may feel embarrased, you should also feel very grateful!!! My husband does not help me at all. It does not matter how bad I get, when people ask about me, he tells them I am fine. I had a serious allergic reaction from a med a while back which sent me to the hospital. It took over two weeks for the basketball-like swelling in my face to go down, and when our acquaintences saw me they were in utter shock---mainly bacause they had seen my husband on a daily basis and he never even mentioned it. Now that hurts. These people would have been willing to help me out at home. Much needed help. He tells me he really cares, but in my eyes it's your actions that show how much a person cares and honestly your husband is showing that he does care. You could put limits on what details he is allowed to give out. I do believe he just needs someone other than you to talk to. We all do. Hope this makes you feel a little better. Angela

feelbad · 05-24-2006, 07:21 AM

I too feel that this is just his way of venting.my husband does this too but with only a handfull of his co workers and I am really glad that he does this.they have really helped him alot just by listening and offering him some really good feed back.I know this has really affected my husband and my children.i mean how can it not,when they see this person that they love and care about,in pain almost constantly andall of the other crap they see us have to deal with.It can be a bit overwhelming for all of our family memebers and those that are close to us.

This also helps my hubby alot when he has to suddenly leave work because something has ,once again,just happened to me.or when i need yet another surgery and he has to take the time off from work.just the fact that his co workers actually know the full extent of all of my problems,well it makes things alot easier for me hubby and I know that his co workers are always there for him to talk to when once again,something new will just hit that fan again with me.

I wouldn't take this as some kind of betrayal of trust against you,I think he just is finding a good way for him to try and cope with all that you are having to dealwith.He sounds like,from what you have described here,that he is a very caring and loving person who is just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and is just needed to vent off some of what HE is having to deal with.i really don't think he is doing this purposely to hurt you in anyway,just trying to maintain some level of sanity in what has become kind of a scarey world for him when it comes to seeing someone he loves having to go thru all of what you are.Just be thankful he is venting in a healthy way and not sitting in a bar somewhere just trying to "forget'.you know what I mean?Its just his way of coping.

Maybe you should just sit down with him one day and ask him how he really is feeling about all of what you are having to go thru.this really affects the people that love us much much more than you may think it does.maybe he feels like he just cannot really truely express all that he is feeling with regard to his fears about what you are having to deal with,directly with you?some people tend to not say a whole lot to us about our conditions because they think it will somehow upset us or bother us or something,when it is usually the opposite.I would love it if my clueless sister would actually ask me about all of my many major medical problems but it appears that she is in denial or something and has never ever even brought any of this up to me in over two and a half years.now THAT hurts.

Hope things go better for you than they are right now.Marcia