How does your spouse, BF/GF handle your pain issues? - Pain Management Message Board

ARANGER · 05-24-2006, 12:54 PM

Hey everyone,

I know there is a thread similar about a boyfriend sharing too much info. But I wanted to see how everyones significant other handles all the pain issues, medical appts, surgery, etc.

The reason I ask is because my wife and I are separating/divorcing and its due to my medical problems. When we first got married which was only a few years ago, I really didn't have too many medical problems. But since 2004, I've had 9 surgeries, I have fusions in my cervical and lumbar. I was also diagnosed with severe fibromyalgia which according to my Rhuematologist, is rare for a male to get to that point.

At first my wife woud go with me to my appts, surgeries, etc. She was very caring and seemed concerned. After a while she stopped and made it all seem like it was my fault. Granted, I was pretty useless for a while as I was post-op and really couldn't do much.

I knew it was going bad when she stopped going to my appts with me. She refused to take me to my last two surgeries. She wouldn't even drop me off at the door. I had to try and find a ride the day of surgery. For my post-op appts, I had to find rides because I was not suppose to be driving.

I have a great PM doc that treats me really good. Due to all of my surgeries and injuries, I require quite a few procedures that require sedation. So again, I can't drive to those. But I usually have to find a ride.

I'm just curious how your significant other deals with it. I've never really asked my wife to do anything out of her way for me. She just doesn't seem to care, and kind of makes those faces and says stuff under her breath to indicate that she doesn't believe me. I even took her to my surgeon, my PM Doc, and my Rheumy, and they all told her how bad my conditions are and that I'll never be back to 100%. I think she may be thinking that since I'll never be the same, then she should move on. I guess she forgot about "In sickness and in health" part of our vows. I've always tried to provide everything that I can for her.

Anyway, I hope everyone else has a more caring spouse/BF/GF. I guess I'm headed to divorce since she refuses to try and understand. I know my medical issues takes a toll on her, but doing this alone by myself, takes a toll on me as well.

I'm sure alot of it is the person you are with, I guess I was fooled. I did tell her that you never know, it could have been you that had to go through all this. I sure didn't ask for all of this to happen to me.

Thanks for letting me vent. I would like to hear from you guys (and gals) about how you make it work, how your spouse treats you, and if it ruined your relationship or made it stronger (sorry to get too personal).

Thanks

Kissa · 05-24-2006, 02:19 PM

I think it's very sad that your wife appears to be unsupportive and uncaring about your health. I am very sure if the shoe was on the other foot she'd act much differently. Not having someone to support and understand what you are going through makes it all that much more difficult.

I am lucky, I've been with my husband for 5 years and he's always been supportive of me, probably more supportive and caring that most folks in my given situation. He also knows that on my good days, though far and few in between, I take very good care of him.

I know at times he feels helpless and saddened by the situation that he can't do anything to change it. I feel bad at times because he used to be a very active outdoors type person prior to meeting me and now chooses to not do the things he used to love because I am unable to walk very far. We do however go on little trips and find places that are wheelchair accessible so at least we can do some "hiking".

I don't know what I'd do if he treated me the way your spouse does. It is so very sad.

Advice seeker · 05-24-2006, 02:30 PM

I am the spouse, so I can answer this one!

I have been married to my husband for almost 24 years and take the "in sickness and health" seriously. My husband has been unable to work for over two years and hasn't been able to drive for about a 1 1/2 years due to dizziness and side effects from all of his medications. So, I take him to every doctors appointment. Even if he could drive, I would still probably go with him. He is only 42, but he now gets confused very easily and usually doesn't remember what the doctor even said.

We married young and had our two daughters when we were young. We had always talked about what we would be doing at this stage of our lives, but it hasn't turned out the way that we had expected. But I love him and I will be standing by him no matter what may come and I know that he would do the same for me.

Is is easy? Not at all. There are days that I get depressed and grumpy, but I get over it. Especially those days that I come home from work and then have to do the chores that were always "his job" - mowing the lawn, weedeating, cleaning the gutters, taking out the trash, etc. I know that he would rather be able to do all of this work instead of having me do it.

There are also days that my husband is mad at the world and goes through the "why me" episodes. I know that there is nothing in the world that I can do on one of those days to cheer him up, so I just try to give him space for both of our sakes.

Now here's the hard part - So, how are YOU treating your wife? Are you appreciative when she does do things for you? Has your illness become your only topic of conversation with her? Have you helped create the gap between the two of you by either words or actions? I know that I can usually sense when someone is upset with me, so are you projecting that toward your wife?

Finally, have you sat down and talked to her face-to-face?

Avalon · 05-24-2006, 04:15 PM

I agree this seems very callous on your wife's part, but I'm having a hard time understanding why she was supportive in the beginning, and then suddenly changed and began acting like it's all your fault. What happened? Do you follow the doctor's advice and post-op instructions? For example, I get really frustrated with my elderly mother -- she complains about how she can't walk but won't do the exercises that would strengthen her leg muscles. Is there something she thinks you could be doing to help yourself that you are not? Does she think you are "milking it" and perhaps using recovery as an excuse not to help around the house, or whatever? What reason did she give for refusing to drive you to your surgeries?

If she was ending the marriage solely because your medical issues (the continuing cycle of surgeries and recoveries) seem too stressful and overwhelming for her to handle, it would seem to me that she would feel guilty about it and still at least drive you when you need it. The fact that she seems angry at something makes me wonder if there is something else going on.

It certainly seems like you two need to have a heart-to-heart discussion about the real reasons for this separation, perhaps at counseling. Have you tried that? Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

ARANGER · 05-24-2006, 06:55 PM

Thanks for the replies.

Kissa-You sound like you have a great husband that is very supportive of you. I'm glad you have that and just wish I had the same thing (of course with my wife LOL)

Advice Seeker- That is great that you support your husband after all these years. I know it must be hard because I try to put myself in the other persons shoes.

As far as treating my wife well, I try and do the best I can. Since January of this year I have had 5 surgeries. I have had a surgery every month since January and one month had two. So physically, it has been rough for me to do much. And I totally understand the frustration. Because I get just as frustrated because I can't do much either. I do try and do other things for her like ordering her chocolate or flowers, or offering to take her somewhere that I'm capable of doing like dinner or something. As far as our conversations, I try not to talk much about my medical issues. For one reason, I have quite a bit of training in the medical field and feel like I sometimes talk over her head and just confuse her. But also, I don't want to make everything about me. I try and ask her about her day and to talk about other things. She is just completely closed about it.

Avalon- I follow my docs instructions to a tee. I always look for ways to improve myself. I will schedule massage appts, PT, etc so that I can get to being active again as much as possible. As far as counseling, I've suggested it and she refuses to go. In the beginning of our relationship, I was very active and we did everything together. But physically I am limited. I still try and do and sometimes overdo, but I pay for it the next day. Due to the Fibro, sometimes especially if I overdid it, I'm just exhausted and can't hardly get off the couch. She has made comments to me that, "Oh let me guess, you're not feeling well." My rhuemy doc told me that some people just flat out don't believe in fibro and will treat you as if you are making it up. But I do try and sometimes overtry but eventually my body just gives up.

I think she is just frustrated and has given up. I read about you all that have stuck with your spouse for years and you're still there. I have much respect for you. I wish my wife could see the same thing and realize that in a couple years I may be much better. I still have a positive outlook on things and think that someday I will feel better. It just takes time. My last surgery was 3 weeks ago.

Thanks for the replies