Hello all....I have written before trying to do what is right by my husband. He is a chronic pain suffer(failed back syndrome). He is on Oxy and Methadone, and seems to have given up on life. I know he truely is in pain, but I can't see our lives going on like they have been for another 3 years. My husband does not work. He does not help around the house. He does not help to grocery shop. He doesn't mow the lawn, or do anything to help me in our daily lives. I work 50 hours a week. Take care of our 6 year old daughter, and take care of all home duties. I carry 100% responsibilities of carring for the family and making sure things are done. My husband sleeps till about 11:00 am and then goes back to bed around 1:00 pm. Then he gets up at 3:00 to get daughter off bus, and then takes her back to bed. I get home at 6:00pm and get daughter up. He then wakes up at 10:00pm, when I am going to bed, and then goes to bed an hour or 2 later. If he drops something on the floor, he leaves for me to pick up. He will sleep all day and leave the dogs in. So when I come home I have some "surprises". We have not had relations in over 3 years due to medications. My husband even will not get out of bed to use the bathroom. He has a bottle beside the bed in which he illiminates himself during the night. I want to be a supportive wife, but I feel like my husband is drowning, and pulling me down with him. Reason for posting is...everyone that I read seems like they are functioning in life with pain. Trying to have relations. Doing housework to help out. Most even seem to be trying to work , or atleast get better. I truely believe my husband might be jealous of my life, and is actually doing thinks to make my life harder. I feel like me staying in this relationship is actually contributing to his demise. Maybe if I wasn't around to do everything he would have to take on some resonsibility. I don't want to be labeled as the woman who left her husband because he is in pain or can't function like he use to. I have been 100% supportive, and need something from my husband to show he wants more than he has now and is willing to fight for it. He has just layed down to die, and no one can change it. Do I sound unreasonable? I feel that I have the responsibility to take care of the family now, and I want him to feel responsible to try and help me out by maybe making dinner and taking that burden off of me daily. Is that to much to ask? Can someone be in so much pain that they cant even give you an hour or 2 a day of help? Sorry to vent..but I need your perspectives...I have an appointment with a lawyer next Tuesday. I don't want to desert my husband, but due to the medicine, depression, or pain I can't stand my life anymore. He can afford to shut down because i go for him, but I can not because I have a 6 year old daughter to take care of. My husband has become mean and distant, and when I truely look into his face I no longer see the man I fell in love with. I see a worn down man with no drive to live. I've offered counceling. I've offered to take to specialist. He see's nothing wrong, and feels this is the best his life can be. Sorry so long....
Thanks again..jaguar
Hi Jaguar: [removed] Give him six months to make some changes in his life and if he doesn't begin divorice procedings. You maybe would want to his doctor first, to find out for yourself if there is something going on with him you don't know about, but I don't think there is anything you can do at this point. It sounds to me like he is severely over medicated and likes it that way.
Without turning this into a book, let me tell you a couple things. I have been on Social Security Disability for three years now for chronic pain problems. I have had lung surgery, where they removed a beign tumor the size of a small orange in the top lobe of my left lung. I have nerve pain from that, described as chest wall pain, where the nerves have not regenerated correctly. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, where I have almost constant pain and diarrhea to the point sometimes I can't leave the house some days.
With all this and not working (my wife does) I do all the cooking, shopping, pay the bills, take care of all insurance, the cars, and everything else which involves the house and our lives. I am on 180 mg of Methadone per day, but I get up with my wife every morning at 5:30 and fix her breakfast and lunch and get her off to work. I usually will have her lunch made the evening before, so all I have to do is put it in her lunch bag and it's ready. What I'm saying is I do pretty much everything around the house. My wife comes home from work at 5:00 and we sit down to eat dinner, which I have prepared at 5:30. We do tend to go to bed fairly early because we're both tired and we get up fairly early during the week. We do go to bed together. I do not sit up and watch TV and then go to bed at 1:00 AM.
I guess I'm telling you all of this, not to toot my own horn, but to tell you there are better alternatives out there. You deserve better. Hubby may be in pain, but so am I and I still manage to do some of the things that need to be done in our lives. You work, so you shouldn't have to do everything at home too. If you lived with just your daughter, you would have one less to worry about and care for each day. Give it some thought and then let us know what you think is the best path to follow. Most of us on this board, although in pain, do manage to function, at least to a certain degree.
Good luck to you.
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Director
Last edited by HBMod07; 01-11-2007 at 10:31 AM.
Reason: inappropriate comment
Hi Jaguar, has he ever gone for any psychological treatment or has he always refused. Has he ever been on any anti-depressants. Seems like a long time to be so inactive. I've been thru periods like that from failed back syndrome. I've never had any luck with anti-depressants but I always seem to pick my self up enough to get up and function to the best of my ability. I am also disabled and the stay at home dad, but I guess I've kept my wife happy enough to stay with me. I help out as much as possible, I do most of cleaning and housework. I also do shopping. I don't enjoy doing this type of stuff as much working at my old job but it keeps me busy enough to not be severly depressed. I also need to rest after doing things for short periods but everyone needs something to keep themselves from getting depressed. Your husband also needs to socialize and get a new hobby. Maybe you can tell him your gonna leave him if he dosn't get his act together. Try telling him in a nice way that he has to try or your gone. Maybe he just needs a big shove.You know being so inactive only makes your chronic pain worst. I've had three separate back surgeries over the course of 7 years. This last one was the straw that broke the camels back and I am the camel. I've struggled to pick myself up enough to survive. I take perc for pain and can't even get the doctors to prescribe me anything else. I hurt like crazy but I've found sitting around all day only makes it worst.
I am on 80mg/day Methadone for chronic pain. I am fortunate enough to work, as does my wife. We share duties around the house and with things like bill paying, etc. I do alot of the driving the kinds here there and everywhere.
Most pain docs are looking for their treatment to improve the patient's functionality. I haven't heard of a pain doc who will settle for therapy that leaves a patient in your husband's condition. It definitely seems like his dose is way too high.
He needs a wake-up call. I think Director's idea to give your husband a time-frame within which to make changes is very good.
You've hung in there by yourself long enough. You need help and he needs to give it to you. It sounds to me like you are suffering more from his pain than he is.
being a care-giver is extremely hard, especially when the person you're caring for does very little to help himself. Just out of curiousity.....how was he before the pain? did he help around the house? participate in the relationship? do things to make your life easier? It almost sounds like he could be using it as an excuse to be lazy, and on the other hand, he most certainly sounds depressed. Either way, you can't let him take you down with him. I know you've been supportive, but at this point, even you are questioning whether all that support has just been enabling him to continue on his miserable existance. Have you ever told him how you feel? I think you need to! I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. And if you leave him, don't feel bad, you want the best for your daughter. I wouldn't blame you.
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