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My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

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Old 02-23-2008, 02:20 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2008
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gorgee HB User
My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me


I have a big problem, and it is making my getting better so much harder. I have been taking medications for migraines for 6 years or so, and then in September I had a bad tmj flare up (I have had tmj for 7 years), and the flare up and damage stayed. I have pain everyday in my face and jaw. Also, in the middle of October the rest of my body joined in, and it has gotten worse. I suffer from pain in my fingers, hands, feet, joints, and muscles. It is horrible. I can't even roll over in bed without pain. If I get off the couch, I am slow going and very sore. I am only 31. Sometimes, my muscles hurt so deeply, and throb from pain. I have had days where I am in bed most of the day because I hurt so bad. Sometimes it is the weather, or I have done too much the day before. Stress and crying also makes the pain worse.

The problem I am writing about is my husband. He feels I am overmedicated by my doctor, and that I have a drug problem. I was on Vicoprofen, and recently was switched to oxycontin 40 mg every 12 hours. On some days it has given me my life back. I still have hard days but I dont have to manage it every 4 hours like I did before, and I was taking too much ibuprofen, so my doctor switched me. This week I had a slew of bloodtests, for thyroid and arthritis and more, hopefully something comes back.

My husband feels I take more medication that somebody with cancer. I was sick yesterday from a migraine and vomitted. He blamed it on my meds, dr over medicating me, and me be addicted. He now will not speak to me about my health until I come to him for help about the meds I am taking. I also take valium and flexeril for muscle relaxants, and lexapro for anxiety (I have been taking it for 2 years), and vicoprofen for breakthrough. He considers all my problems are with medications, and adds them all up. He feels I make the pain up. It is horrible. I went to the dr. yestersay and was treated for the migraine, and asked if this was migraine or side effect or rebound headache like my husand said. They said no, because I have been on them for 2 months now. I am extremely responsible and respect the medication. I stay at home and I have 2 small boys to take of, they are 2 and 4. I cannot be in bed all day, and I never ask for help. I have in the past and have not gotten it. I take care of the children 99%. He believes that there is nothing wrong with me. I have been diagnosed with tmjd (my case is severe and I need surgery), and myofascial pain syndrome, and I am waiting for blood tests. I have a ton of body pain. The medications help me to be able to take care of the children, the house, and my husband. I am doing the best I can.

I feel I am being defeated. My husband is no help and does not support me (only finacially, which I do appreciate, extremely) with my health.

So, what do I do? It could take a long time to find out what is wrong with me. My husband tells me he wants his wife back, I do too. I want to feel good. This makes me so upset that he does not believe me, and calls me an addict. I am not. Somedays I can barely walk from the pain.

Please help me. I feel I need to continue to take care of myself, and the boys, see my doctors, take meds, and wait for a more thorough diagnosis. He is upset with me, and looks at me with disgust. How can I make this work?
How can I help my husband to understand, and has anybody else gone through this?

Thank you for your time,

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Old 02-23-2008, 03:08 PM   #2
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lizzybrog80 HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

I just want to say I'm so sorry. My husband is generally quite supportive. No, he is always supportive. I can't imagine going through this with someone who doesn't support you. Best of luck.
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Old 02-23-2008, 05:56 PM   #3
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brianpain33 HB Userbrianpain33 HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

I know a little bit about what you are going through. My wife eventually left me because she did not want to deal with my health problems any more and may have thought the pain was all in my head. It does hurt alot. The best thing to do is to ask your husband to go to the doctor with you. Tell the doctor your husbands concerns and let the doctor tell your husband the difference between dependence and addiction. Many times people will change their minds when they hear things from a doctor. Ask him if he could just look at some of the posts on this message board. Type in 'ADDICTION AND DEPENDENCE' and let him read what people have to say. I will tell you that I am a recovering addict so I know exactly what and addict is and how they behave. If you are being honest in telling us your situation then I would say that you are merely dependent on the medications. As long as you are taking the medications for real pain, taking them as prescibed, not taking more than you are supposed to, not getting your meds from more than one doctor (doctor shopping), not taking the meds to get "high" then you sound like you are doing the right thing. You are taking the pain meds for a legitimate reason to deal with physical pain. I'm sure you would love to let your husband feel what it's like to live with your pain just for one day and that would probably change his mind. It is nearly impossible for others to know what it feels like unless they have had chronic pain and had to deal with it day after day. I hope that you can get him to be supportive and understand but if you can't then maybe your marriage maybe in jeapordy. Possibly going to see a marriage counselor would help but if he has it in mind that you are an addict and does not listen to anyone else, then things will not change. Keep us posted on the progress and know that we are here for you.


Old 02-23-2008, 06:16 PM   #4
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conductor HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Dear Kass,

I am completely IRKED by what you've stated. From what you've told us, I cannot see that you are "hooked" or anything like that! To make it clear, I am NOT a physician--but, I assume your doctor would be able to tell.

To have family members not believe in your pain makes the situation much worse. I have all sorts of suggestions to deal with your husband, but I really don't want my anger to shine through (and end up in the hands of the authorities).

I would guess most of us who have Chronic Pain have dealt with this issue.

Now, I'm about to say something weird: I hope your bloodwork shows something!! When I was developing the enjoyable Chronic Pain I now live with, a specialist called for a blood test for the Lupus Anticoagulant--a blood disorder. This alone can contribute to severe migraine headaches (versus other types). Eventually (and I mean a very long eventually), all of my pain problems and other symptoms added up to a final diagnosis of Systemic Lupus. While I cannot take all of the medications for Systemic Lupus due to side-effects, my pain has been taken care of in a huge way (fentanyl patches, fentanyl lozenges, and hydromorphone).

Now...Yes, many of these meds are reserved for cancer patients. But, more and more doctors understand that Chronic Pain patients benefit from these potent pain relievers. Most of us on this forum suffer from conditions that are as painful as cancer--and I'm NOT knocking cancer patients. I'm knocking people who don't quite get the fact that Chronic Pain is a real problem. Most of the time, it is not visible to others--so they don't believe in it or grasp the seriousness of condition.

I'll get off the high horse for now, but I don't promise NOT to get back on.

Let's all pray for your husband's understanding of your difficulties! Maybe others will have better ideas concerning this subject.

Jon (Conductor)

Old 02-23-2008, 06:46 PM   #5
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gorgee HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Brianpain33, Yes, that is what upsets me the most is I am so responsible. I take the medciation when I am supposed to, think and think again, and wait before I take the breakthrough meds and just cannot stand the pain, and I have never taken any more than prescribed. I just want my pain under control. I have a doctor who has met with my husband twice, and my husband told him his concerns. I thought it was going to be better. My husband now does not care for my doctor. I also, have 2 precious little boys that I have to take care of full time. No help from my husband. I try to do my best from 6:30 a.m. -10 p.m. I don't ask or rely on my husband for his help. I do my job and take care of my family. There are some days that I cannot do as good of job as I could the other day. Thank you, Brian for writing me. I will keep you posted, and thank you for being here for me and all of us.

Old 02-23-2008, 06:53 PM   #6
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gorgee HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Conductor, Thank you for writing me. I appreciate your honesty. I feel you are 100% accurate. The part that upsets me so much is I am completely responsible, and I have ended up in tremendous pain thinking my husband was right, did not take the meds when I was supposed to, and knew that was my sign (the pain), that I needed the meds. I took the medication, and felt strongly that my husband was wrong. It is just so hard to battle it everyday.

I, too, hope the tests show something. I am going to pray for my husband's understanding too. I will let you all know, and I want everybody to know how much I appreciate you writing in for me. I needed help and support, and felt so lonely. I don't feel that way anymore. Thank you.

Last edited by gorgee; 02-23-2008 at 06:54 PM.

Old 02-23-2008, 08:43 PM   #7
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stay2654 HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

I do feel the same way, and majority of the time, I do not even tell my husband. I hope things work out for you. I myself have a 5 and 4 year old.

Old 02-23-2008, 10:33 PM   #8
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PNo HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Sorry for your stress of feeling this way.

In no means am I taking your husbands viewpoint, but I would like to cause a look from another direction. I totally understand what it is to be in pain and have great empathy for you as I live in pain every day too. I am interested to know if you are seeing a pain management practice or if all your medications are coming from your family physician?

The reason I say this, is there are many people who get all their meds from their primary care. My aunt did, and her doctor was stupid. He gave her probably over 15 different kinds of medications from steroids, to pain killers, to blood thinners, to anti-depressants and just kept giving more pills and got her kind of messed up physically. I hope you are in a pain management with an expert.

You do have quite a hefty list of meds - it would be all our goals to get on as little medications as possible (for safety, our health, cost, etc.....) when possible. Not only from addiction perspective, but just from a pure safety perspective. Plus - there is a point when there just aren't enough pills and we have to use a combination of medications, behavioral , relaxation and thinking strategies. There are also other things besides oral meds. like injections, epidurals, etc..

Sometimes anger comes from fear - have you ever tried talking to your husband about why he feels the way he does and get a really straight answer? I also think it is stressful living with a person in pain - and there is just no way to understand unless you walked in those shoes of being in pain constantly. Your husband could be struggling with this. Since we don't know him or you, we can't really predict what is going on - all we can do is give ideas to think about.

It might be time to seek a few sessions from a pain psychologist as a couple if your husband can't accept the prescribing dr, and if it is all valid, then he may need a professional to help him get through his issues. You might benefit from the support as well.

Wishing you a comfortable tomorrow.

Old 02-23-2008, 11:40 PM   #9
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cmpgirl HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Hey Kass,
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I know how Conductor is feeling after reading this. The fact that so many people in this world have pre-conceived notions about pain patients and pain meds, is a particular pet peeve of mine. I am very lucky to have a completely supportive husband, who is just grateful that I am getting the help I need. But I had a sister-in-law who passed from cancer last year and even though her spouse was supportive, her mother and some other family members were not. She was so concerned that they would be mad at her, she would not take her pain meds if she knew they were coming over. Her mother kept telling her she was going to become an addict!!! Can you believe that anyone with half a brain in their head or an ounce of compassion in their body would say something like that to a terminally ill person??? She even had the poor girl afraid to use her oxygen for fear she might become dependant on that!!! After her parents would leave she would spend hours in agony trying to get hold of her pain. My daughter suffered from severe TMJ and had major surgery to correct it when she was 16. I understand that pain pretty well. I also have myofascial pain and so I know first hand what you experience with that. I agree with several of the previous posts about having your husband speak to a pain specialist (if he is willing) and I just want to encourage you to not put off taking your meds, because of him. As I'm sure everyone here knows, the longer you wait and don't keep a consistant blood level of meds, the harder it is to get your pain under control. I'm not a really religious person, but I do believe in the power of prayer. I will make it a point to keep you in mine. Good luck with everything and I will also pray that your husband "sees the light". Please keep coming here for support. There are so many really great people here. God Bless, cmpgirl

Old 02-24-2008, 05:18 AM   #10
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ihavtwins HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Your husbands attitude irks me too. He married you for better or for worse, did he forget? I realize he wants his wife back, but thats pretty selfish thinking when YOU are in so much pain.

Without a total history, the only advice I can offer would be:

Men usually like to fix problems, and when they can't they get frustrated. They listen to a problem, like being in pain, and if it cant be taken care of right away, they get mad. If you are telling him each and every time your pain is getting bad, he is getting madder and more frustrated all the time. If he is your sole source of a good listener, try not telling him so much about it. Call your mom, your best friend, etc to vent instead of him for a while. Tell him he is not responsible for fixing you, just letting you vent. Show him ways he can help you like running the bath, massage, etc.

Does he have a personal experience with someone who was addicted to pain medications, is that what is bothering him?

Hope that helps! Sorry you are going thru this.

Old 02-24-2008, 05:31 AM   #11
Join Date: Jan 2008
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gorgee HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Neckpatient, thank you for your viewpoint. I am seeing my primary care physician, and he is also my osteomanipulation doctor. I want to be on as few medications as I can be too. At least, switching to o.c. 2X daily was better than taking 12-16 vicoprofen. I have days where I have had to handle my household from bed or the couch. I have a 2 and 4 year old, and they are active boys. I need to have the pain undercontrol so I can take care of them.

I do believe that you are right about the fear thing. My husband is scared, and it comes out as anger. It is the opposite from what I need.

My primary care physician has taken care of me as best he can, and has commited to help me through it all. I am greatful for his help and his staff. I have often asked about pain management or thought about it, but my doctor has offered to try and help me. It is hard for me, with the boys, to go to a lot of different doctors. I would love someday to see a pain management doctor. I am also greatful, for the o.c. giving me some of my life back. I have some bad pain days, but they are no where near as bad as they used to be.

Thank you for your help and advice. Unfortunately, my husband does not believe in any help from professionals. Right now, he believes in the lord, and has become a born again christian. He believes in the power of prayer as I do too. But I am not afraid to ask for help from therapists, physciatrists, pain management. My primary has been trying to get me to surgery for my jaw. My insurance has denied it now for over 5 months. Then my body, joints and muscles, joined in. I am hoping that the blood work shows something.

Thanks again for writing. It is always nice to hear it from another side. I am sorry you have pain everyday, it is a thing I never thought I would battle at 31. I hope you have a less painful day.


Old 02-24-2008, 05:42 AM   #12
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gorgee HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Ihavtwins, thank you for writing me. My husband has a very addictive personality. He is now a born again christian, and with that, quit drinking, and gambling. He also stopped swearing, he was a compulsive swearer. That all has been hard, and I am trying to catch up.

I try not to tell my husband much, but sometimes, when I feel I can trust him, or I just need him because I am in so much pain, I tell him. He does want to fix things immediately. That is hard. My husband is not the type to run a bath, or anything like that. I am close to on my own, and finding ways to ease nerves and pain. Like I said, he is not good at consoling me, and but he supports us financially. He has told me before that he does not ask me for help supporting us financially, so I shouldn't ask him for help doing my job, the boys, and house, when I am sick. I sometimes don't consider my life easy, my husband on the other hand, says 100's of women would love to have my life. I am greatful for his support finacially, and also health insurance.

Thank you, Ihavtwins. I appreciated your advice. I need as much as I can get.


Old 02-24-2008, 12:05 PM   #13
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cmpgirl HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Hey Kass:* Just read your last post on this thread and the one Lizzybrog started about sharing our stories.* I got thinking about my daughter's jaw surgery and was wondering if you have a surgeon already lined up or in mind.* The reason I ask is that my daughter saw a maxilo-facial surgeon, as opposed to an oral surgeon.* This specialty is considered medical, not dental.* With my daughter, our medical ins covered it all. If I remember correctly, we had to submit documentation from her pediatrician, to show that it was medically necessary (could or would it endanger her overall health due to not being able to obtain proper nutrition because of the problems with her bite and chewing and digesting food) I'm not 100% sure, but I think that was what convinced the ins. co. to approve it.* I hope this might open a new avenue for you to persue if you haven't already.* Good luck and hang in there.* cmpgirl

Old 02-24-2008, 02:15 PM   #14
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sammyo1 HB Usersammyo1 HB Usersammyo1 HB Usersammyo1 HB Usersammyo1 HB Usersammyo1 HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Kass, I will try to not confuse you here. My husband for the most part is supportive, although we have had our disagreements over the meds. When the doctors put me on narcotics my husband knew it had to be done, I was vomiting from the pain, but the longer I was kept on them the more upset he became. He was worried sick I would become addicted & every now & then would bring it up, especially when I was in a bad mood, he would blame it on the meds, no matter what. He knew how much I hated taking them & how careful I was. I know he was angry over the whole situation, he felt powerless to help me & yes made the statement "I want my wife back", I am beginning to wonder how many women hear that in our shoes.
I ended up going into the doc. & he was with me, the doc. went over everything & at that time told me I was undertreating my pain, not taking the meds like I should, imagine how my husband felt after pressuring me about the meds. I have come to realize that he resents not me but the situation. The more guilt I felt the angrier I became, the more upset he became. He still will complain at times. After seeing me try to go with out the meds to please him & the suffering he is more considerate, going to the doctors with me made a huge difference.
TMJ has been linked & known to cause migraines, is that the case with you. I have TMJ, my teeth are all cracked & chipped & have suffered migraines in the past been in the hospital with them, thank god I do not get them very often, they are one of the most painful things you can go through, you have my sympathy, I can see why you are on the meds. motrin & that did nothing at all for me, no pain pill alone did. I had to take meds to reduce the blood vessels around the brain. I would have them 30 days at time, vomiting & all. I truely hope you get your surgery & that will help with the migraines.
Every marriage is different & I do not like to stand in judgement but being a christian is being understanding & supporting. The doctors, every single one I have dealt with or heard of watch when prescribing these meds, they know & are not going to just hand them over to someone who they think is abusing them. you can not take care of little ones in that kind of pain, no one can. The meds are needed. I am so very sorry for you, the one who you need the most support from is not giving it to you, for better of for worse. If you love someone you don't want them to suffer. I think like my husband did, if yours would go to the doctors with you he may understand more, but please take care of yourself no matter what your husband thinks you should not have to live in pain like that, you are the one suffering. No one who does not experiance it can understand. If you have to show him the dates on the med bottles, I am just thinking off the top of my head here, it sounds like unless he hears it from a professional he just does not understand, if you take care of your little ones manage the house & so are doing more then anyone can expect with being in pain everyday. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but if I were in your shoes I guess I would ask my husband what kind of christian would stand in judgement & expect someone he loves to suffer...perhaps I am alittle out of line but darn it noone should want to see someone else suffer, especially someone you love. Good luck,please keep us informed. Sammy

Old 02-24-2008, 04:08 PM   #15
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trowftd3 HB User
Re: My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me

Originally Posted by Kass3175 View Post
Like I said, he is not good at consoling me, and but he supports us financially. He has told me before that he does not ask me for help supporting us financially, so I shouldn't ask him for help doing my job, the boys, and house, when I am sick. I sometimes don't consider my life easy, my husband on the other hand, says 100's of women would love to have my life. I am greatful for his support finacially, and also health insurance.

I'm sorry but along with everything everyone else has said I have to chime in about what you said.
"I shouldn't ask for him with help doing my job, the boys and house..."
I have been both a stay at home mom and a working mom and I'm sorry but has he ever done 'your' job? Raising children and keep a household running is WORK. It is harder than most paying jobs. And I don't mean to be rude or judgmental but those boys are his too. He should take part in raising them...he helped make them. I thought the dads who just went to work belonged to my parents generation. Yes, you are lucky that he supports you financially and you don't have to work(unless you want to) but he shouldn't draw the line between the two jobs...especially when you are sick.
I have tmj and migraines and it's hard to even get out of bed to take care of yourself. I commend you for toughing it out to take care of your little boys.
Don't be hard on yourself you are doing the best you can.

Take care, good luck and I'm sorry I came down hard on your hubby.
Keep ys posted.~Mush
undiagnosed lung and back pain after pneumonia in '03, tmj, migraines,(two failed surgeries for) Kienbock's disease

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