I am actually starting to feel very down.
I am getting ready to go to a meeting and I dont even really feel like going but I cave a committment to be there tonight. It is ok I will take it easy tomorrow and just study and then do whatever I want in the afternoon. It is supposed to be warm here so I will get out in the sun a bit.
When I went to school I just started feeling really sad
. All my classmates that I have been going to school with for the last 2 years have all applied to the nursing program. They are always talking about it and some even ask me if I think I will get in. Then I have to tell them I did not apply this year. They always ask why not and although I really do not "have to" tell them why I do anyway but I keep it real simple and say something like "I am still being treated for my neck injury so I am waiting til next year" I should have applied this year but I put it off because there is no way I could be a fultimes student. It makes me sad to think that everything that I am working for is literally put on hold.
Waiting Waiting and more waiting. Well I am tired of waiting!!! I actually decided to "not wait" until Monday and I called the Neuro's office and told the person that I really was not interested in any of the treatments that the PM had to offer and that I really did not want to wait 3 months to see the doctor again. I told her to ask the neuro if we can just schedule the discogram and once that is done come in earlier to discuss the results of it.
I don't really want to spen yet another summer having another surgery but it is easier than trying to do it during or to close to school sessions. This last surgery I only had 17 post op and had to go back to school. I just cant do that this time if I need surgery.
Actually I just feel it in my gut. It is coming (more surgery) sometimes you just feel like you know. Do you all understand? Haven't you all ever had that gut feeling?
Today and the last week or two I have felt really empty and alone. I know I am not alone and I do have a few close friends and an awesome 12 step sponsor. Then my Mom who has been there for almost every single procedure I have had and she has been at every surgery I have ever had in my life. She is so much more than a Mom to me. She is my bestest friend ever. But even though I have these wonderful people in my life I still feel empty and alone. Wow. this is the first time I have really expressed this.
But it is how I feel right now. Now, What am I going to do with it? I do not know that right now. I am thinking I will walk through it with my higher power and the people in my life will help to.
I just knew that it was to good to be true when I started to feel that good physically and emoitionally. It really just does not seem to last.
The last thing that I want to say is this...I do believe that things wont be this way forever, and I am grateful to be clean and sober and to be alive and yes to have the life I do have despite the physical stuff.
Well it is almost time for the meeting so I better run.