My Turn To ask for Prayers! Unrealistic Expectations and SO Sad! :( - Pain Management Message Board

SpinalMalady · 05-18-2008, 05:50 AM

Hi all:

It's time for me to take my own advice and ask for your prayers and support.

I've been on a posting hiatus mostly due to a terrible increase in pain since backing down to Kadian 20mg from the Avinza 30mg. I have been reading, however, and have kept up for the most part with everyone's stories and situations. I'm sorry I haven't been posting, but I just haven't been able to focus enough to post to you guys in your threads, and I wanted you all to know that.

I've been a stubborn fool, and thought that I could get used to the increased pain. I finally broke down and called my doc and asked why was I experiencing so much pain. He told me that I basically had gone through a 30% med cut when I went from the Avinza to the Kadian. I'm terrible with math and numbers, but I only know my body hurts like hell.

His advice to me was to up my BT meds (Percocet 10/325) from twice per day to 3X per day. I was crushed. I still am, because, as you all know, I've been trying to get off of all of the meds.

My problem is I think I may have hit a "pain wall". I don't know whether I'm at my "best" and if I am, it just totally sucks. I have been in a "blue period" of a couple of weeks where, I just haven't wanted to accept that this could perhaps be where my pain level is at IF I don't go back up on the meds. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. I've done a lot of soul searching, and frankly, haven't gotten a lot of results.

The really sucky part is that I get out for Summer on May 31st, and I wanted so bad to be in a much better place. GRRRRR & GAAAAH!!

Why do I always put such unrealistic limitations and expectations on myself.

Please pray for me, and that I will come around to acceptance. I'm really struggling with this. I don't know why it is so hard for me. I'm at a point right now where it just ****es me off so bad!!

Gotta stop for now. Pain staying around 7-8 most days, so can't do a lot of sitting! So gotta go!! Just please keep me in your prayers. Thanks guys!!!

~!~ Becky ~!~

skych · 05-18-2008, 07:28 AM

Hey there!

Becky,

A while back I got to feeling a little better and I asked my PM if we could go down in the meds. Everyone warned me to be careful about doing so.

I really was hoping it would be a good outcome to be on the decreased meds. I to put high expectations on myself. I think it is somewhat normal to do so. The important part is what we do when we dont meet the expectations.

Acceptance of situations is a tough one! Some days I really am there and other days I want to just scream out in utter agony and defeat!
Please be kind to yourself! I know it is tough and it feels like a set back or something...but it honestly only means it is not time yet.
I too had a hard time wrapping my thoughts around that to.
You can do this thing! We all can...together. I just know for myself if I did not have this family of people who understand the Chronic Pain cycle, I would have lost my sanity by now.
Please hang in there and try not to forget that there is always Hope still out there for all of us.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
God Bless
Chrissy

ms_west · 05-18-2008, 08:12 AM

I am so sorry. I had hoped you were not posting because you were doing so much better and out there tearing up the roads.

Sorry to hear that I was way off.

I think we all dream to be off meds and dream that one morning we will wake up and no longer need meds because there is no pain. I know I do at least. It is called HOPE.

You need to give yourself credit. Your tried to lower your meds and well it just did not work unfortunately. The best of all this it is clear that you have a wonderful pm who is standing by you and being very supportive.

As hard as you are working to get off these meds I suspect you have tried all the non-medication stuff: accupuncture, relaxation tapes, tens unit, massage therapy, pool therapy, biofeedback, etc.

You may need to face reality that it won't get any better than this at least for now. Ughhhhhh there is that acceptance word

. I just want you to know that I am proud of you for giving it go. Now you have to decide whether it is time to go back up on the meds in order to be comfortable and 1/2 way enjoy the summer.

From one spinney to another, I have said a prayer for you and will continue to pray until you are feeling better my friend.

Pepper

cmpgirl · 05-18-2008, 10:44 AM

Hey Becky, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember how it feels to be in this crazy confusing limbo, of not knowing what is next. Not that I would ever want anyone to be told what I was, so many years ago, but I have to say that even though it was a total shock to me, when I was told that this was it....this was my life.....there was a sense of relief that I felt.

As much as I hated hearing that there was nothing that they could do, to "fix" me, it was the first time that I could actually say to myself, "OK, I need to make a plan."

I hope and pray that there will be an end to your pain. I hope that this is only temporary for you. But in the meantime, if the meds can help, why not let them. When and if the time comes that you no longer need them, all the better. But for now, I hate to see my friends here, suffering and struggling.

I am not trying to tell you what to do. I would never do that. It is not my place to do so. It is completely your decision. This is just my humble opinion. In any case, I'll be here with the others to give you the support and prayers that you need. Any time. Hang in there, hon. I know you'll get through this. You are so entitled to your anger. Just try not to let it get the better of you.

Sending you gentle hugs, CMP/MM (((((Becky)))))

TexMom85 · 05-18-2008, 10:48 AM

Becky,

I am so sorry to hear you are suffering so much, both physically and emotionally. I empathize with you so much--medications have been a part of my life for over 15 years and have really wreaked havoc on my health, but without them, I'd probably be in worse shape than I am now.

I really applaud your efforts to reduce your pain medications, but, sweetie, you have to keep your pain at a manageable level. Just because you need a certain level of pain medication does not make you weak, or a bad person, etc. You've got to stop being so hard on yourself. Your health/pain does not define who you are as a person. You have wonderful gifts, which are displayed in the encouraging and informative posts you make here...helping others in so many ways! You are much loved and appreciated! Cut yourself some slack and exorcise those demons that are telling you that you must cut back meds. You have every right to do whatever is necessary to get your pain under control. Then, figure out what your body is capable of doing and find something that you enjoy. It will be all right!

I am praying for you and hope that you can quickly get to a better place. You definitely deserve it!

((Hugs))
TexMom