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Old 06-05-2008, 08:47 AM   #1
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The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Today I am finding it very hard to see the wood from the trees. I pushed myself to stay up from 8am to 3pm with 20 min exercises. I just had 1 hour lying down would love to spend longer in bed but my timing would be all wrong, and then sore from the bed and need to be okay when family come in. I just did 10min on the threadmill and I just cried and cried as I walked. I was sore, but I just cant stop thinking when will this all end........... I am 38....... what have the next few years instore for me..... I am thinking I am like this now, what will I be like when I am older.....to be honest I am afraid of what the future holds for me.

The summer is here and people are happy... call me sad but I rather the winter. I love the cold/windy nights and the rain lashing against the window and we are all happy and warm inside. I just cant do this happy jolly summer thing. I am here crying as I am typing and I know when I say to my husband I stayed up till 3pm he will tell me that is great, but the thing is I dont feel great..... I am bored with life, in the house most of the day........ I have the table set for dinner early in the morning!!. The next days dinner is prepared............ I am nearly a day ahead of myself.......... as I have nothing else to do (or can do ). I live for the weekends and the company around me. I would love to be able to spend more time out and about........I know this is an improvement of where I have been...... I am just worn out from pushing myself, fighting this pain that I do not want in my body......... and I dont want my husband to say you did good though staying up this long. to me today has been a battle that I have lost.

I feel I have been there with the upbeat heart saying yes this isnt going to ruin my life, but it is, to me I have lost and the pain has won. I know there was a thread awhile ago about acceptance..... I said I can not accept the pain I am in as I feel it would be giving up. Well today the pain has won I just give up.

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will wake up and maybe have the energy to fight it again, but to be honest I dont really care anymore.

 
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:41 AM   #2
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round1, I can relate with each single word you type. My days are BORING and to be honest, I am doing all that I can. I feel like the worlds worst mother and the biggest complainer of all times. Sometimes just completing that load of laundry and cooking are about all I can handle in a day and I am trying to accept that is okay. Do I want to accomplish more? Absolutely!

If that nap mid day allows you to function better for the remainder of the day, give yourself permission to do it. Are you hurting anyone by doing it? Wouldn't you rather be in less pain so that you can spend time with your precious young man? Think about it. Which is more important?

Several of us are all at the same point, learning how to cope with this pain and ACCEPT it are the biggest challenge of all. I think it is natural to have days where you just sit and cry - some of those days are due to pain and other days are due to frustration. Just know that we are here, we support you, and we do understand. I just wish I could help you more. I am right there with you Sister and trying to sort this mess out.

((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))) ))

 
Old 06-05-2008, 10:20 AM   #3
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round 1, blessings to you. I also was a very active, productive person that could hardly run myself tired. My condition has left me physically a shell of my former self. I've grown to accept that if I can accomplish one or two things in the course of my day-that's a plus. If you write down what you do or journal your days, you may be surprised what you still accomplish.
Perhaps you can uncover some hidden talent that you never knew you had. I am trying to help around the house as I am able to take some of the pressure off my wife, who works as a registered dietitian. Lo and behold, with her supplying the recipes, I'm getting to be a good cook! My illness makes it impossible to stand for more than 5 minutes, so I sit on a high stool and do my peeling and prep work.
The other thing that keeps me sane is that I am a member of an online Bible study group that broadcasts 24/7. I help to monitor it, and no, I don't listen all the time, but we have it on in the background and we have 4 talented teachers who contribute.
We are not useless, although CP is a drag. If you have a good doc and some help in controlling pain, that's a BIG thing to be thankful for right there. Not everyone has that.

 
Old 06-05-2008, 10:30 AM   #4
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

((((((round 1 ))))))) , i really understand how you are feeling..hang in there you have alot of support here thats the one thing that has been helping me through my week
ladybuggy

 
Old 06-05-2008, 10:34 AM   #5
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

My dear friend........I wish I could be there to give you a real hug right now. I guess a cyber hug will have to do. I am so very sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I know I can't really say anything that will make it better. I wish I could.

I was the same age as you when I began my battle with pain. I felt the same way you do right now. All I could think of was what I could do next and how I could change things for the better. I still feel defeated some days, but those days are less frequent now. I could say to you that it will get better, because it will, but I know you don't feel it right now and if I said it 100 times, it wouldn't help.

Like Pepper said, give yourself permission to feel any way you happen to feel. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to lay down for an hour, then by all means, lay down. We'll all still be here whether you feel sad or happy, to cry or to laugh with you. I am the one who started the thread about acceptance, Really just because I wanted to know how everyone felt about it. I hope it didn't make you feel pressured to accept anything you are not ready to accept. This is a very personal journey for all of us, no matter what we have in common. There is a time for all things, and acceptance is no exception.

Just know that I am here, as are so many others, if you need to vent or ask questions or give updates......whatever you need. I'm sending healing and comforting thoughts your way. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Many, many hugs, CMP/MM (((((Round1)))))

 
Old 06-05-2008, 12:29 PM   #6
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round-
I join in with everyone else in sending prayers, hugs and positive thoughts your way. Living with chronic pain is really hard. Some days it seems down right impossible.

I just want you to know that acceptance is NOT giving up. Acceptance is actually a healthy and positive thing because if you are able to find a way to accept that pain will more than likely be with you, then it makes things easier to cope with. If you can accept the pain as part of your life, then you are better equiped to find coping mechanisms and move forward to the best of your ability. It's certainly not an easy thing to do- accepting the chronic pain, but it can be done. But it doesn't mean for one second that this means the pain has won.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything in your power to continue to live your life doing the things you are able to do. It would be so much easier to give up and spend the rest of your days in bed, but you have shown me through your posts that you are a STRONG woman and I admire you so much.

Sweetie, I just wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big teddy bear hug. It's terrible to have to give up doing the things we love to do, but this is NOT the end for any of us. We all have so much strength and determination, many people just don't realize what we go through on a daily basis. They complain about life stresses, but we deal with life stresses while having to deal with pain that we can't just make go away magically. Heck, the pain itself is a big enough stress of it's own!

Thank you so much for sharing your story, that, in itself is a positive thing. Don't keep these feelings bottled inside you. If you need to get them out, then get it all out. We are all here to help you through.

I'm sending prayers and thoughts for healing, strength, comfort and good things your way!

Last edited by ozzybug; 06-05-2008 at 12:31 PM.

 
Old 06-05-2008, 06:49 PM   #7
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Oh round, if we could all just reach out & give you a hug there would nothing visable of you. There are days where you just dont have the strength & you give in to the pain.
I wish I had an answer for you, I really do. I have had many of those lately. I just cant think about the future & I am trying to just do one day at time & pray, pray, pray.
It is hard to give up an active life & yes I know how you feel. I watch everyone out & about & I even think well not much new in my life what do I have to talk about?
I forced myself out today. I must say it did me good. It was hard but I did it.
I give you credit you exercised & that is something. Heck I am surprised I did not grow roots in the recliner. You are so needed though, & you need to realize that you serve such an important role. Maybe your life it not what is used to be, & maybe it is different then others around you but you are so special. I will pray that you have better days ahead, & know that you are not alone, ever. Sammy

 
Old 06-05-2008, 09:07 PM   #8
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round I read what your able to do in a day and I am honestly impressed. You can make dinner have the table set and even exercise. I have had many days/months over the years when I could do none of that. I was good if I could get out of bed for a while. Like someone said make a list of what you did do today not what you didnt. Even the little things. 1, got out of bed. 2, took a shower.....ect. Even the littlest things are an accomplishment.

Huffle

 
Old 06-06-2008, 06:16 AM   #9
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Quote:
Originally Posted by Round1 View Post
I suppose I just cant understand my pain. I get up and shower and have breakfast, take my son to school, go for coffee etc..... etc... and I can do all of that with little or no pain..... but it is when I reach the 4 hours up mark that is when I start to hurt, its like the next step will be a struggle, its like my legs wont move for me and my back seems like it will crack. It is now 12.15 and if I had to go down to the shop to get something I couldnt. I need to lye or sit down now...... Why is this?

It is just why do I need this.

I was trying to push myself yesterday and ended up not having enough lying down and when dinner was ready i was just sick with the pain........ and couldnt eat....... Today I am sticking to my routine even though I dont need to be right for 1 O'clock as my son is off to another friends house... but I know if I push myself again I will need longer lying down and that will tick me off.

........ I am a Roman Catholic.......... But I am more angry with him. I am there saying God..... arent you listening to anyone..... I am just wonder why does God let us suffer.... and I realise that compared to somethings this isnt real suffering, even though it feels like it.
Round1
Round1, I am sorry if what I am about to say is not what you want to hear. I am not trying to be harsh. I would never want you to be angry with me. But I feel like I need to say it.

You are chronic now. And just like the rest of us, your body can only take so much. Your life has changed and sadly, you are going to have to change along with it. You may have to change up your routines. You may have to rest more often. I think you want so much for this to go away, and not be happening to you, that you are putting very unreasonable expectations on yourself, that your body can no longer live up to.

I am afraid it all comes down to that nasty "A" word.....Acceptance. I think you see acceptance as giving up. Like someone prior said (sorry, can't remember right now) there is a difference between accepting that you are a different person now and giving up. I think you are mentally refusing to believe that this pain is going to be with you from now on, whether you want it to be or not. The pain has not beaten you. It has just become an unfortunate reality.

We've all been there, and it is by no means easy, but in order to start living your life again, you have to at least try and start the process.

About being angry with God, I can relate to that as well. I lost my daughter and my mother less than a year apart. I was angry too. But I went and saw a local priest who spoke for 3 nights at our church, and he talked about the fact that even he has been angry at God from time to time. It made me realize that we are all human and we all go through the grieving process and that accepting something like chronic pain is very much like grief. It is a loss of the "old" you and a process of getting to know and to accept the "new" you.

I wish I could tell you that it will all go away in a day or a week or a month. But I can't. I can only offer you an ear to vent in or a shoulder to lean on. I am here for you, as always, and will support you in any way that I can. I pray every day for you to have peace of mind and comfort from the pain.

I hope I didn't upset you any more than you already are. I really do care about you and value your friendship. If I have hurt you, I hope you can forgive me. Blessings and Hugs, CMP/MM (((((Round1)))))

 
Old 06-06-2008, 06:32 AM   #10
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round1,

It is my personal belief that God is the answer to all of my struggles. I am with Steve, which by the way I think he stated what God means so beautifly.

I have learned that when I am really "fighting", is when I am actually feeling the worst. When I fight to much I block out the spirt of God which resides within me.
It is only when I cease fighting anything and everything_____the pain included in there, that I will begin to feel better on the inside, which means the pain is more bearable.
Only when I can cease the fighting and surrender to "What is" then and only then may I move into the acceptance part of the pain cycle...or anything else in my life for that matter.

Well now...how might I accomplish this? I am the same as Steve. God has been the one and only constant in my life. Even when I did not seek God he was there for me.
Since I got sober the first time in 2000 I renewed my connection with God. When I was little I went to Catholic school for 9 years. Even when I had the relapse in 2004 all I heard was God telling me on was on the wrong path. He guided me back to this life. I actually wrote a prayer to Him asking Him to help me to get back to where I belonged..12 step programs...it worked and here I am today with almost 4 years!!

Round1, I feel the same as you do. I am 38 years old and I am trying to become a nurse. I wonder if I will ever get there. I am not married and have no children. It is just me to take care of me! I have no choice but to do the things I need to do to make the houshold operate. I wonder what I will feel like in 20 years. It is a scary thought.

I am tired too. I feel as though my pain controls my life most days. It is very hard to change that thinking around. I do not like to plan my life around my pain.
The thing is that when I am angry and resentful about the way things "ARE", I am actually blocking out God, when he is the solution to all my strugles.
When I can surrender to "what is"...(this does not mean I give up) only that I stop fighting and try to change my attitude about the way things are.This is practably impossible without God's help. At that point I can invite the power of God back into me, and as Steve said He makes things more mageable and more bearable.

I firmly believe that the only reason that I am able to get through all of this is that on a daily basis I seek out guidence from God. I can not do this by myself.

Round1 we are all here and praying for you! Each and every one of us has or is felling just as you are. God would not want you to do this by yourself.

When I go to church I always light a candle for all my friends on this board.

Hang in there sweetie! God loves you!

Thank you Steve for puting it so beautifly.

Chrissy
PS,
I forgot to say that I am sorry that your angry with God. I have been there too. My mother gave me this book and I hope the mods will not get angry that I posted the books title. Round1 this book really did help me.
"The Promise" "God's Purpose and Plan for When Life Hurts"
it is written by, Father Jonathan Morris.

this book really explained a lot of things for me.

Last edited by skych; 06-06-2008 at 06:41 AM.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 10:48 AM   #11
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round, dear...
Last year you post similar thread when you went through a very tough time and a lots of pain. I remember telling you than that you are very hard on yourself.
I soooo agree with CMPgirl: the word is Acceptance. You are a CP patiet as hard as this is to hear for all of us.

You know my story: I also had an excellent job, we just bought a new house with a big morgage; I did not let my hubby or my DR telling me that I am not going back to work due to severe nerve damages after my both spinal surgeries and a lots of complications. Boy, did I fight!

One of the complications as you know is Arachnoidities: not one person wants to be diagnosed with this debilitating condition post-surgery. This means I have no choice but Accept the fact that no reason to fight something which is not in my hands. The only thing I can do is accept and make the best of it. Interesting how much humans can take; we actually much stronger than we think. I just have to try my best to somehow enjoy this new life, my family and to look forward something like kids's graduations, their marriges, grandkids, and so much more.

And if I feel I want to stay in bed - I just do it. Why count hours when you out or in bed? You feel worse today - rest. You feel better tomorrow - go for a walk, cook a soup, find something may interest you.

They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well, now I have another challenge: on top of Arachnoidities, RA, Fibro, post-surgery pain and nerve damages pain - I got Optic Neurities and they check me now for MS.
I am typical patient with all the symptoms of debilitating MS (as you know there are different kind of MS out there and some of them not even painful, mine case has to be more comlicated as always ).

Should I fight? Of course I should and I will. But not myself.
I will fight to stay happy no matter what. I will fight to be here for my family and friends; I will fight to attend my family's and friend's happy occasions no matter what; and to enjoy looking at the flowers and a blue sky and to see my grandkids growing... So much is out there, dear Round to be here for.

You know what I have done? I can't drive after surgery due to dropped foot. I had to give up my independence - was extremely hard, no words can describe how hard was for me to give up on my bread winning job and driving. Can i help it? Noope!

I signed myself on payless job for 2-3 hours a day, 4 days a week (only when I can, volunteering job). It's a local Hospital where I will be by the desk and let family members know about their loved once who is under the surgery. I have plenty family members or friends who will take me there, it's only 3 blocks away from my house.

Maybe someone will smile reading this, but to me it's a very bid deal.
Becides it makes me feel good knowing I can help someone, I am a very social person, and for me talking to people, being able to dress up a little, put smile on, take my cane and spend couple hours a day helping people and myself (yes!) is a very big deal.

I am not making money on this, plus they told me if I will be in a bad shape, no obligations to come or if I can't stay more than 1-2 hours I can go home.
But the days I can - I will be so happy.
For some reason I can tell you, Round, all about my pain 24/7, but one thing I can't tell you that I am ever bored. I always read a lot - this helps too. I love to cook and bake: on a good days I cook a little and freeze. I am blessed that my kids leave 30 minutes away from me, so I can go and see grandkids every week. I also have my wonderful friends and ex-co-workers who I keep in touch with every single day.
I got a wonderful friend from one of the boards on Internet who is CP also and we checing on each other every day sometiems 20 times a day. We got so close that we share our family's stories, kid's pictures, day by day life. We understand each other so well, because she goes through same thing and she fights to stay positive too. We help each other to be this way, to survive with a smile

I am a member of a local libriry, so now my hubby takes me there for hour or 2couple times a week (when I can), they have little coffee shop there and very comfy recliners; couple times a week they have book clubs. Do you know how interesting this is to learn something new about big writers and their lives and more? And just socializing, doing something so interesting and different - makes a big difference in a daily mood for us, CP people.
I used to go to the gym 4-6 times a week; I still have a very nice gym in my bacement. I used to be big on cardio and weights (free and machines). Yoga or pilates after work 3 times a week. My life used to be very full and active.
Not anymore. That is why when I lost all of this, when my life turned 360 degree - I did not know how to handle this and was panicing. Couldn't sleep, enxiety was killing me and I realized if I don't do something about ASAP, I will be in trouble and all my family will suffer looking at me.

I strongly believe in MIND and BODY healing. If you are unhappy and depressed, if you don't have positive thoughts or hope - your physical health suffers too. And also I strongly believe that NOBODY can make us happy, we are the once who have to work on it. No matter how many lemons life gives us - make lemonade and don't give up doing it. I think not many people on this earth leave 100% pain free or worry free life; we all have some type of negativity in our lives. But it's out job to make it as positive as possible and never give up on anything.
I think,sweetie, you have to fight only one thing: how to stay positive and happy; this definetely may help you with your physical pain. Try meditation tapes (talking about mind-body healing!), they are the best on mind healing, on showing you how beautiful life is, just keep your eyes open.

You can't give up. You are too strong for this, you went through so much already. And remember:" Always could be worse". People who go through what most of us here go through every day can't give up; it makes us stronger, it makes us adjusting to a new life without tears (well, sometimes only, right?). And you are one of us. Just find your inner strenght and happines, honey...

Hugs and blessings...

 
Old 06-06-2008, 02:55 PM   #12
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

I have come to write this message about 3 times, and get so far and end up deleting what I have typed. I have deleted it as I said my reply just could not express the thanks to you all, for spending such time and effort sharing your own pesonal life and how you deal with the cross we bare in this life and in helping me come to terms with this......... I feel I am like a broken record,,,,,,, still rattling on about not able to stay up. The one thing all the posts have in common is that you all can see I do have a big problem with accepting my life....................

Moldova thank you for the time and effort in that extremely touching post, I think everyone on the board would learn from reading that post. You have certainely made the most of your life, and while in pain your are still enjoying life and not letting what you are not able to do stand in the way. I dont think there are enough hours in the day for you to fill................ pop over here to ireland and we will have a coffee and a chat and send me on the right road.

Acceptance was mentioned a few times, and I know I have big trouble with this. I want to jump out of bed and think this chronic pain is just one bad dream and I am fine and this is the day i will be able to do and go everywhere. No wonder I am fed-up, its just one big let down when I have to give in and lye down. Maybe I was expecting the Pain Management to give me better relief......... I really was expecting to have a better result....... I think this week I have been looking at things in a half empty way, instead of half full. I know i am worrying about alot of things, when september comes my sons home time will be 2.30 and that is when I am sore most....... and i know it will just mean adjusting my rest time to be there for him...... but it is like any change from the norm routine throws me..... and if I was truely honest with myself......... i feel I have left him down.... he cried the other night going to bed for his cousins that had stayed with us for two nights........ he cried and wanted a baby sister or brother..... it just broke my heart....... I just cried and said I am so so so sorry love. He stopped crying and looked up at me and said why are your crying mum you didnt do anything why are you sorry.......... He said he only wanted a baby for rainey days as his friends wouldnt be out............... I just feel this week it is playing alot on my mind........ i know he will be an only child and it breaks my heart. I suppose this is why I am so so angry with my pain...... and feel that it has ruined my life and life for my family. Again you can see I do have a problem with acceptance.................... I think I really really need to have a chat with myself and come to terms that life is going to be different for me in what I can do and i have to for the sake of others change my view. But there I go thinking my life has to change but in my head it is the pain has to go..... I just seem to focus maybe to much on it, I need to but it to the back of my mind, and do what I can.

I am sorry for ranting on, but no matter what I type i can not express my thanks enough to you all for helping me.... If one good think comes out of it is that I know i will have to deal with my pain......... and that being accepting it and working with it and not trying to beat it all the time. Because I loose. Acceptance... acceptance. Thank you dear friends.
I am happy now that I finally got to reply and didnt delete yet again.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 03:39 PM   #13
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round1,

Like I said in my recent thread about expectation, it was when I looked at my PM and said, "OK, I accept that this pain isn't going anywhere, and I need you to help me be the best that I can be. I don't want to run marathons and I don't ever expect to be the same person that I was before, but I would like to be able to have a pain level that will allow me to do the basic things that I need to do and whatever more comes from it is purely a blessing."

He promised me that day that he would do whatever he could to fulfill my request. And for the past 8 years, he has. It takes a bit of time and some trial and error, but it can be done with the right doc and the right perspective. I am sure with his help, you can get to a little bit better place than you are right now, in time. I guess you have to see it as a long term goal. And when you stop fighting it, I think you will be amazed at how much better you will feel overall.

Of course we all have days when nothing helps and we hurt more than other days. But if you allow yourself those days and take care of yourself you can move forward the next day or the day after that. It's all about dealing with it as it happens and not trying to plan too far ahead. None of us can predict what tomorrow will be. We just have to hope and pray it will be a good day. And if not, we accept it for today and start all over tomorrow.

I have found that the Serenity Prayer or Prayer of St. Francis, is a wonderful tool. Sometimes I say it several times a day. Living with pain is a lot like the 12 step programs in that it is "one day at a time". It is a short little prayer and easy to memorize and can be a huge comfort when days are bad. You don't have to go to church to say it or even kneel down (If that were so, I'd be in big trouble!) You can say it anywhere and anytime.

I know in my heart that you will come to a better place. I can tell by what you've just written that you want to move forward. It's just taking that first step and then the next, and so on.......And we'll all be here to help you through, if you want us to. I'm sending you many, many hugs and positive thoughts. CMP/MM (((((Round1)))))

PS: You have not let your son down, in any way. You are a wonderful, loving, caring mother and he knows this. He is such a good little man. I have an only child too, and she has turned out just fine. She knows more than anything how much I love her and I didn't have to do all sorts of physical things for her to know it. She just knows. And so does your son.

 
Old 06-06-2008, 04:35 PM   #14
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round, I just want you to know there are several of us working on the acceptance thing, we will all try together, you know mentally holding hands.
I to am catholic, but at times my husand & I are gypsys so to speak we go to other churches with friends, god it every where. I honestly felt so forsaken by god, I just kept asking what did I do to deserve this. I try to be a good person, always helping others & so forth. I believe there is something for me to learn from this, I don't know what it is but there is something.

I know god is listening to me. He answered my prayers just other day. I am so glad, I know he may not always give me what I want but he will not forsaken me.
I am working hard to accept & I don't expect it to happen overnight. I have days I am fine & say this is my life. Then the next day I just can't seem to accept it. I have met a cper that lives by me. I look forward to getting to know her better. She said it was so nice to talk to someone who gets it, just understands. Perhaps she is another answer to my prayers, I feel so lonely at times.
I just want you to know that we will find a way, all of us together. When we have those days that seem to tough, we have each other.
God be with you, Sammy

 
Old 06-06-2008, 08:14 PM   #15
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Re: The battle of pain has won. I have lost my fight

Round,
please don't feel bad to vent; you don't have to delete something coming from your heart. We are here not to judge, we are here for each other to understand, support and share...

Honey, I know your pain and I totaly understand where you coming from. Of course we all want life to go our way, we want to achieve things and leave at fullest - but sometimes it's just doesn't happen. You are still so young and so many nice things come your way. I believe in it and you will see it too!

Don't be so hard on yourself, give yourself some time (I know you are waiting long enough already, so sorry...) and you will see how happy you will be, how many things you will be able to enjoy. Maybe it won't be exactly how you planned and it's OK too; but one day you will wake up and think about Acceptance like about something real, something you can leave with and be happy.

Best of luck to you, dear heart and best wishes to you and family...

 
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