skych

Hello my friends.!!

I went to the Neurologist yesterday. I was disappointed when I left and of course in tears again because I had expectations of how things would go.

First off I finally figured out why my Neuro has said that he does not like to do Fusions on people my age. He was thinking I was in my 20's. I don't fault him for not realizing it is in the chart that I will be 39 in December. I do have others that are shocked when I tell them I am almost 40 years old so I now understand why he thought that. So no surprise he might think that. I often wondered if that might be his train of thought.

Anyway, the Pain Psychologist presented me as a good candidate for surgery. But my neuro was still a bit concerned that I would not get enough pain relief, thus causeing me to be even more upset. He says no mater what gets done I will always have a "Bad Neck". That I already knew, but is discouraging to hear it from your doc. My life and neck as I once knew it ..is forever changed.

So he wnats me to go back to the Orhto surgeon that I went to see for a second and pick this docs brain and see what he thinks about my case. This was dissapointing because you know it is hard to get in to see these docs in a timely mannor. My neuro did say that the Ortho surgeon owes him a favor so he was going to personally call to try and get me seen either next week or the week after. That office is very very busy. They have four office locations and they have surgery schedules so I am not that optimistic for being seen that quickly. We will see.

My Neuro was planing to Fuse C 4-5 and C 5-6. He did open the discussion about whether to Fuse C 3-4 because there was proof of pain stemming from this disc in the discogram. He has made it clear to me that I will eventually need to have future fusions on my neck besides the present one we are discussing.

So He wants me to see the ortho doc and see what his opinion is. Not just for myself but also I think for him(the neuro) because he is undecided as to whether he should also fuse the C 3-4. I was always wondering why he did not want to include this level in the projected surgery since the discogram showed damage and pain coming from this disc. The discogram even showed a small amount of damage and fissuring and very small amount of pain coming from C 6-7. I think he is still trying to decide whether to do a 3 level ACDF or 2 level.

I am happy to see the Ortho surgeon and feel it is in my best interest, but I could have already had this done 3 weeks ago!

My neuro said that he will do his best to see if he can get me into the Ortho Surgeons office as soon as possible and then once seen by the ortho he said he will also do his best to see me again quickly and get the surgery scheduled with in a few weeks of our next visit. This next visit can't be scheduled until I have the appointment set for the Ortho surgeon. Once I have the Orhto appt. I will st the appt. with my Neuro

I asked him if he thought that I would be able to attend my fall college semester and his answer was No he did not for-see this as a possiblity. This was a huge dissapointment to me. School helps me feel productive. But I know how hard it was last semester and I also know my Neuro has my best interest at heart once again. I also know I do not have it in me to struggle through another semester in Pain.

Maybe God is trying to show me that if I have this surgery I need to only focus on recovery from the surgery and of course stay close to my 12 step groups and support system.

SO yesterday I cried all the way home from the neuro's office despite knowing all the things we discussed are in my best interest. I think I was saddened the most by yet more delay and the fact that college is pretty much out of the picture.

Today I feel better and the saddness is not so up front and on the surface. I feel so bad for my Mom. SHe has her own back pain and physical problems and her and my Dad have their things to contend with. This must be really hard for her to wittness. She.. I think feels each disapointment and pain etc that I feel. She and I have no control over any of it. The only control we have is how we deal and react to the information. For me it is really hard at times.

To help myself cope I am calling the Pain Psychologist on Monday and making an appointment despite my money issues. Right now my sanity means more to me then a few dollars. I stilll have options for more financial help out there that I have not yet tapped into. My sisters would always help if needed.

The settlement is also delayed because my attorney needs to have the presentation from my neurologist and the Neuro is not going to send the presentation untill he feels he ahs all the information together. I am sure he is still collecting information and would want to include and things from the ortho surgeon.

Well my friends....another period of waiting. It is all part of the process. I am coming to learn that life is full of many processes...darn it...lol

I have surrendered today and feel myself more into the acceptance of "what is".

I now need to work on myself and the way I carry myself through the Process. I know that God is here and I will not go hungy or unsheltered or unclothed....you all get the jist. He is here for me as long as I seek him out.

Thanks so much for reading and supporting me. Much love to all of you!

Chrissy