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Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

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Old 12-08-2009, 08:00 AM   #1
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Angry Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Well- I went through this several years ago, and because of it quit seeing my PM doctor at that time. At that time, it came to my attention that some of my family members (very close members at that) were talking smack about my use of pain meds behind my back, and had made false assumptions about me. I was hurt so deeply that I stopped seeing my PM doctor at the time and suffered for over a year.

After suffering, my hubby and I decided that I HAD to get back into PM regardless of what anyone in my family thought. Well, here I am again in the same situation.

I recently found out that those same two CLOSE family members are doing it again. I know this for a fact because there was a disagreement between myself and my sister. Well, after that, she called my house numerous times and filled my voicemail with attacking words. She called me a drug addict, told me that I'm not a good mom, and then said that I have everyone "snowed" and that I really don't have anything wrong with me. I know of two of these calls that she made from her work place!

I'm hurt beyond words and can NOT believe this is happening again. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. The meds I take don't make me loopy, slurr my speach, walk funny or anything. I do miss family functions sometimes because I am hurting, but I don't need them adding guilt to my feelings of guilt I already carry because I can't do everything I used to do.

The words that came out of her mouth towards me were some of the most hateful things a sister could say.

Sorry all, but I had to get this out because it's eating me up inside. My relationship with her has been damaged and this time, I'm not so sure I can move past it and have the same relationship with her.

I hope everyone is having a good day, please take care.

Last edited by ozzybug; 12-08-2009 at 09:34 AM.

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Old 12-08-2009, 10:30 AM   #2
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

I would not have told ANYONE I was back in PM. If the Doctor is doing the talking it is against HIPPA. How did your family find out ?

Old 12-08-2009, 11:43 AM   #3
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Oh ozzy, people that don't understand chronic pain can be SO hateful. I am sorry this happened. I would not tell a soul. Like anything else in my life, I only share things, be it my condition or anything else, with someone that has empathy, compassion and love in their DNA.
Try not to take it personal. I know it feels that way, but remember even though they are wrong, they are talking about a behavior that they disagree with, and besides that they have no right to take your personal inventory!

Old 12-08-2009, 12:33 PM   #4
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Thanks all. I'm not 100% sure how they found out again because I never said anything when I began seeing the PM again. I know it wasn't the doctor because he is strictly a "by the book" doctor in every sense of the word. Maybe my husband said something because they are family and they knew before, but I'm not really sure.

It just really stinks to find out some of the things that have been being said behind my back for the past couple years when I really thought nothing was going on.

The really big thing here is that my sister SHOULD understand because her husband is seeing a PM doctor for a back injury. He takes medications, PLUS he is an alcoholic on top of that, so she needs not be trying to accuse me of anything. (If his PM doctor knew about that, I'm sure they wouldn't be prescribing to him) I have to take my meds in to every appointment, my blood levels are checked on a regular basis, and I never know when I might be asked for a urine sample at an appointment. My doctor also reserves the right to call patients in randomly between appointments for pill counts.

And as far as her saying that I am faking and have people snowed, she needs to hold her tongue on that as well because I had 7 surgeries in two years time, been through rigorous rounds of intense PT too many times to count, have had nerve damage proven by EMG tests, have MRI results, etc. by the doctors that prove my condition. To this day, I have absolutely NO quad muscle in my right leg either- even after all the PT. The nerve is damaged and isn't "firing", therefore no quad muscle. My poor thight looks horrible!

And she also needs to remember after one of my surgeries, she actually came to me asking for "happy pills" because she saw I was on Percocet.

I'm sorry to ramble and put all my "dirty laundry" out there, but seriously, she has hurt me to the core yet again with these lies. When she called from her place of work, some of my husbands and my clients could have possibly heard what she was saying, it it could have hurt our business. This is a tiny little area and my hubby and I own our own business, and gossip like this spreads faster than wildfire.

I haven't spoken with her for weeks now because of this. She has proven what she thinks of me, and I'm just not going to deal with someone who thinks I'm scum of the earth....her own words by the way. She also threatened to "turn me in". For what, I have no idea, but a sister should never say the things she said to me.

Old 12-08-2009, 01:41 PM   #5
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Sweetheart you have the same problem I do. I have lost my family over the Pain Management problem. I did try to stay off of the meds for the ones I loved just like you but you made it a hell of a lot longer than I did. I went a couple weeks or so and I knew that without them I would wither away, not eat, lay in bed in pain and misery and eventuallty just go. That's not the life i want to live. I don't want to live without my family either but their ignorance is not your problem or mine. Are you taking them because you have to? Are you taking them to function normally? Are you buying them on the street? NO! There is a quote I heard today it isn't the years you have of your life but the life you have in your years. I would rather take pain medication and be functional and there for my kids but I shouldn't have to choose between my family and my well being and neither should you! What they think is wrong and what they are doing is wrong? I am so sorry for you because I understand. My family even did an intervention and all that, a horrible one. They called social services. My husband is an excellent father and I am a good mom considering the obstacles I deal with every day. The whole accusation was unfounded. The best thing I have found to do is not tell them anything. Let them think what they want. I have read on these boards many times where people have to keep their intake and medication to themselves. There is a stigma around the painkillers and the media and television don't help that. You need to do what is best for you to life some kind of life. I have had it up to here with my family I am not talking to any of them right now and it is the hardest thing because I miss them but I don't miss the judging eyes and the accusations. You do what's best for you. That's what everyone else does!
I hope you feel better and get yourself pain free!

Old 12-08-2009, 06:45 PM   #6
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

I am so sorry to hear about your sister's reaction, Ozzy. I think we all have experienced these hateful just hurts so much coming from your sister.

From everything that you have shared, it sounds as if your sister is coming from a very dysfunctional situation. It would be my guess that if it wasn't the PM, it would be something else that she would be picking on you for. I have the same issues with some members of my family. With my family, we have just agreed to disagree on the subject of my PM.

Ozzy, stand up for yourself! Do not tolerate her speaking to you this way. She has no right. Just because you go to a pain management doctor does not necessarily mean you are taking narcotic pain meds...I'd just tell her & everyone else that they do not know what they are talking about and they better quit spreading lies. Truly, I have found that if you do not allow these types of people to see that they have upset you & do not respond to their attacks, they eventually stop & move on to new targets.

I am sorry! Keep your chin up!

Old 12-08-2009, 09:02 PM   #7
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Ozzy, your story is heart breaking but not uncommon. So many just dont understand chronic pain. This sounds awful but I wish those people who stand in judgement could spend 1 day in our body. I often say they would scream to get out.
Every situation is different, some people are just ignorant & some do this for their own sick reasons. Has more to do with them then you. I think your sister fits that mold. If she truely was concerned she would not approach it in this manner. Either way its heart breaking. I no longer allow my medical info be known outside a couple people, one being my husband. Even those who know Im in PM dont know my meds. After my surgery I went off some meds & just left it at that as far as most people know. I realize you did not share this info. & your sister should be ashamed for invading your privacy.

I love my family but dont trust anyone when it comes to being judged because people dont understand CP & the need for treatment. THey cant possably identify with what its like & misunderstand the use of meds. When in pain the meds target the pain its that simple. You dont get "high" they just target the pain.

Unless your sister changes you dont need that negativity in your life. Its her lose as it evident you love her & care. She should give the same back to you. All you can do is pray she realizes her mistakes when you no longer respond to her hurtful comments.
Trust me when she gets no reaction out of you she'll stop.

Ive had my meds used against me in the past, if I was in a bad mood its because of the meds, couldnt possably be the pain or just the fact I was having a bad day. Took me all this time but Ive recently decided anyone who made my life tougher I would limit communications with. My life is my business & we dont judge those we love, especially those who are suffering so.
I recently joined a support group & the first thing I was asked was not to feel guilty, I tend to do that. The nurse who runs the group said if you were diabetic would you feel guilty, of course not. we dont ask to be stuck in these bodies in pain.
I know this may not erase the pain this has caused but know your not alone.
If you need to be in PM & meds then so be it, Im sure your sister would not like to live in pain every day. God bless & I hope your doing better with being back in PM. Sammy

Old 12-08-2009, 11:10 PM   #8
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

I'm very sorry to hear about all of this going on....Especially around the holidays. What an insensitive jerk....And a hypocrite at that!

If it were me, I'd fight fire with fire. First, I'd deliberately plant some type of story or whatever you want to call it, that you're dropping out of PM again. It's sad that you have to fib, but unfortunately in PM "loose lips sink ships." I've seen it time and time again. As others have said, families have been torn apart because people just don't understand CP and PM.

Thus, IMHO, one has little option but to keep a very tight lid on things. In your case, may want to rebut things a bit by counteracting their mischief. Obviously, it should go without saying, that nothing should be said moving forward and if your husband is the source of the lapse in judgment, then you'll have to talk to him about your strategy moving forward so he's on board.

You'll never be able to talk rationally to her about your reasons of being in PM, and obviously, she can't be trusted, so I'd let her think you aren't in PM anymore. IMHO, it's the lesser of two evils and I wouldn't think twice about it.

Also, you'll need to make sure you don't leave bottles and etc laying around, or easily accessible for your sister to snoop around. I'd keep everything locked up in a safe somewhere....You should be doing this anyway. This also includes paperwork, appt cards, and etc. Your care with your PM should be totally covert. In my life, PM is like "Batman"...I've got this underground life that no one know about. And because I need support and etc just like everyone else, I come to this site where I won't be judged and can help others.

Lastly, this may be very unpopular with some, but if it were me, I'd have to give serious thought as to whether or not this person would remain close to me or not. Call me stubborn or whatever, but in my life, they'd go overboard. Not only have they breached your medical confidentiality, but they've said very hurtful and inflaming things that really are below the belt. Her statements were beyond mean.

In closing, as hurtful as she was to you, please don't let her comments keep you from getting the medical treatment you deserve. IMHO, her opinion in life counts nothing and you should be surrounding yourself with people who love and support you....Not try to hurt and destroy you. Take care of yourself first as you deserve it. As much pain as she caused you, ironically you'll probably have much less without her around.

Best of luck to you and again, I'm very sorry.



Old 12-09-2009, 08:26 AM   #9
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

I'm so sorry. I have had pain for 27 yrs and have not started seeing a PM until recently. MRI today to see if neck surgery would help. Have a lot of other probs and fibro. My daughter has eosiniphilia (a rare blood disorder) and she too has run into big probs with her family. She is so tired of hearing "You look fine to me." I told her to tell them, "Well, you look intelligent, but go figure." She now holds them at arms length. It is the only way she can survive. As a nurse I am appalled at people's attitudes about pain. You can have thyroid, bowel probs, or ANY other problem, but their attitude is How DARE you have pain! That is unfortunately, the attitude most of the medical community holds also. It makes your life double hard...which means you will come out of all of this double strong. Consider yourself hugged.

Old 12-09-2009, 10:14 AM   #10
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

I already replied to this thread but wanted to say again that this thread has made me feel so not alone. I thought my family were the only ones, well not the only ones but were not the norm. Now I can see that many of us with CP can't be honest to our families or the support is withdrawn, if there was any to begin with. I agree with Sammy01 that I sometimes wish that they could pop into our bodies for 1 day, 1 day and they would be screaming to get out and never go back. I believe this with my whole heart. My heart that has been broken as many of you well know when they call us junkies or losers or why do you need this medication? My whole family has walked away, and now I have vowed that if we ever get back on track again I will lie about my PM. I know it may not be the right thing but sometimes it is the only way. And what has also been said is true that if your family snoops or stresses or judges you, sometimes it is better to just cut those ties. The stress will make the pain worse, your symptoms flare. That isn't good for you or your body or your mind.
We have to do what is best for us and not for our families. I know I have been there for my family through thick and thin and it saddens me that things are the way they are now. I feel horrible for what they think of me but it's what they think. What you need has to be top priority. I have always been one to put everyone else's needs before myself, but there is a point when you have to say enough and take care of yourself. They will get it eventually and if they don't then it is their loss. I so wish that none of us had to deal with such nonsense and accusations. We are just trying to live a decent quality of life, not perfect but decent. Life your life! I just hurt because I do miss my family but I am hoping that it will fade with time. I know in my heart I did the right thing. You will get there and make sure it is what you need for you.

Old 12-09-2009, 11:27 AM   #11
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

I know exactly how you feel as I go through this with my own family, mainly my mother. They do not understand that I live in severe pain everyday of my life and that is with the medications. My mother is ALWAYS asking me what medications I take. I only tell her that I take muscle relaxers and never tell her that I take pain medicine. I'm sure she is talking to everyone else around her telling them that I'm a junkie and I don't need any medications. If fact, she told me the other day that my medication is taken electively and that I don't "need" them. I was upset by that comment and told her it is the same as taking heart medicine and she wouldn't accept that as an answer, in fact she was yelling at me about it. I do need pain medication or my neck pain would be way above a 10 on the pain scale.

When I'm at family functions I have my aunts and uncles come up to me and tell me that I need to stop being such a whimp and suck up the pain. WTHeck? I do not complain to any of my family execpt dh how bad I feel and that is not very often. They, too, tell me I shouldn't take pain medicine. I never in my life have discussed that I take any medicines whatsoever.

My mother calls me lazy because I don't keep my house clean. I have 3 girls to feed, bathe, get ready for school, and put to bed everyday. I do not have the ability to clean my house as I would like. If I take the dog around the block for a walk my mother will drill into me that I must be feeling much better. They have no clue what I go through, nor will they ever. I could go on and on with the things she says.

Thank God for my husband. He has been extremely supportive and helps out the best he can. He knows when my pain is evelated and when I need to be left alone. I don't know what I would do without him. He is the only one in my family who knows what medicine I take. He never once said that I don't need them.

As far as the snooping goes, they can look all they want. They will never be able to find anything as I lock it up in a very safe place with the key in another location. I take a days worth at a time in a seperate bottle that has nothing written on it and I keep that safe as well. I do have a teenager in the house who has friends coming and going. I do not trust them.

Most the time I blow it off and ignore it. Sometimes I can't ignore the comments and I do get upset. It just blows my mind how someone can be so judgemental, especially your own family. I rarely leave the house anymore because the pain is so bad and it would make it much worse if I left the comforts of my own home. I've been told by my family that I'm depressed, which is completely untrue. I'm not depressed, I'm in pain.

Last edited by Nicole74; 12-09-2009 at 11:29 AM.

Old 12-09-2009, 01:07 PM   #12
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Thank you ALL so much for your kindness and support. I really don't like to complain, but seriously, like I said before- this is just eating me up inside. I thought after going through this before I wouldn't have to deal with it again.

I agree with all of you in that people who don't have intractable pain will never understand. I guarantee that if any of the people who judge us so harshly broke their leg, they wouldn't leave the ER without some kind of pain med scrip. They'd more that likely be extremely angry if a doctor dared tell them to take a motrin and suck it up, ya know?

My mom told me that one of her friends had a hip replacement and only had to take Advil afterwards. Well, Whoppie for her! It's great that her pain was managed with Advil. Believe me, if I could get by on it I certainly would because it would save me a TON of money every month...not to mention every year since my health insurance goes up so much every year because of the amount they pay out for me. I pay over $1,000.00 a month for health insurance and January is just around the corner, so I know I'll be paying more soon.

You know, Ex suggested I sever ties with my sister, and I know some may disagree, but I don't disagree. I have not spoken to her or my other sister in weeks since this event because of all the horrid things they have been saying about me for years now. I just wonder why I wasn't told about this before you know? They have been smiling in my face and then stabbing me in the back all this time. Then, when my sisters get mad at me, I get blasted verbally with all this mess. I mean, I know people say things in anger, but seriously, when someone says the same thing over and over and over again, they really and truly mean it.

My sister is the one who caused this rift, and like I said before, I'm just not going to deal with someone who thinks so little of me. I drag myself to work every day even when I hurt so bad I can hardly sit still. I spend time with my daughter, son & husband, I do what I can when I can. After working all week, I need the weekend to recover and get ready for the next week, so unfortunately I just can NOT make it to every single family picnic, get together, celebration...etc. I feel guilty enough as it is when I can't go.

Oh, and my sister also said she is sick of my "pity me" attitude...I NEVER tell them how bad I hurt. When I'm at family functions, I paste a smile on my face and do my best NOT to let on when I'm hurting. I just don't get it, and I don't understand how she could say those things to me.

The media doesn't help any of us either with all the hype about these celebrities OD'ing on huge amounts of meds that doctors freely throw at them you know? When another one of those stories comes out, it's US (the REAL people) who end up paying for it because it seems like doctors will always be willing to prescribe and over prescribe for the celebs.

Oh well, I got off track there..sorry. I am the only person who knows what I can and can not live with, and I am unwilling to give up what relief I am able to get simply to please my family. They aren't the ones walking in my shoes. If anyone else in my family feels the way my sister feels about me, then I'll not deal with them either. There is nothing I can do to change how they feel and I'm not going to exhaust myself trying to make them get the picture.

It really sucks that we have to lie and lead secret lives basically. People are too judgemental. I'm so glad we here on these boards can support each other and really understand what the other folks are going through.

You guys are great....thanks again!

Old 12-09-2009, 02:45 PM   #13
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Ozzy my thoughts are with you. I feel your pain. I also am in pain 24/7. I look "normal". My neurologist/pm said if you look normal people don't understand and some doctors even think pain is all in peoples heads yeah right. I once went to ER in pain and the er dr told me i couldn't be in pain because of the meds I take. Ha!

Old 12-09-2009, 03:52 PM   #14
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Cant (dont want to) read all responses...

If you are taking more drugs than prescribed you have a problem,,,, talk to PM to solve it.

If you are following dosage recommendations, grow up and ignore the haters. If they are not immediate family why does it matter what they think?


Old 12-09-2009, 05:00 PM   #15
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Re: Stupid me-I thought false assumptions by family were behind me

Originally Posted by soapies777 View Post
I once went to ER in pain and the er dr told me i couldn't be in pain because of the meds I take. Ha!
Now that is just insane coming from a medical professional! I agree, HA! What a numb-numb he is!

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