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Old 04-09-2010, 06:47 PM   #1
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My life of pain and depression.

I got back to sleep ok this morning at about 2am but as normal it is all action stations here this Saturday morning. Today is housework day for my Sister and her partner. So I had breakfast quickly and are back in bed laying down to keep out of the way. It is that or go out but my back pain doesn't settle down for about 2 to 3 hours after I take my tablets in the morning. I normally watch cable TV for that time but it is best I stay well out of the way.
I am very lucky to have a tidy family as they clean my on suit each week and vacuum my floor. I do have a lot of advantages living here but I am reminded of that regularly and I have to do my bit when I am up to it. Though after I have my operation I don't know how long the support will last. I might have to prepare a document to show my sister that I have to do certain things for so long and the recovery is a certain amount of time signed by the doctor so she will see how long it is really going to take before I will start to recover. She doesn't realise that the operation may not fix everything so I may not be able to return to full time work. I know I should be positive but I have to be realistic about the surgery. I may still have quite a bit of pain and be even less agile.
I wish I had someone to come here and explain it all to her so I don't have to battle to get it into her head that this is not a miracle cure.
I really don't need this extra stress and having to be so vigilant about explaining why I can't do things she thinks I can. I am absolutely exhausted from the emotional fight that is going on in my gut every day wondering what the next problem will be. I used to be so strong but now I am on the verge of another breakdown. So I am going to have to put a bubble around me to keep out the expectations of others. If it doesn't let up I might have to up and go somewhere away from all the judgement and expectations. I seem to remember all this when I left school and what did that do? I became an alcoholic. I can't let that happen. If only I could afford my own place then I could be myself and look for someone caring to help look after me. As I think I will never be the same and I will always need support in some form. If anything ever happens to dad I think my mum would like me to come and stay with her. When my parents divorced that time about 20 years ago She came and lived with me and my wife but they clashed and I was disappointed that my 2 most favourite women were with me but couldn't get on together.
I don't have to worry about the wife anymore.
I wish I could go back to sharing with my niece the one that is disabled. She has a similar disease to cerebral Palsy and I love her and wish I could be a father to her but I can't stand her carer and father of her daughter. He is lazy and addicted to video games. The beautiful House that the dept. of housing built for her is now a dump because of his attempts to paint it and his lack of pride in the home. I couldn't live there without wanting to repaint the place and through him out. He is just a liability.
I had better stop there or I will write a book. So bye for now. Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
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Old 04-10-2010, 04:46 AM   #2
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

I'm sorry that your stress levels are up due to your sister & her expectations of you/what she thinks that you can do. I agree with you, i think you should have your Dr write or type up a document stating just exactly what your abilities/disabilities really are. Maybe if she were to actually see this in actual writing then she wouldn't be so coldhearted/bossy/expecting of you. This just might actually be a good idea! Would your Dr be willing to do this for you? Because maybe then her attitude towards you would improve.

I don't blame you for just wanting to stay out of her way. She doesn't seem all that pleasant to be around. It sounds as though having to live with her is like having to walk around on egg shells. Afraid of what she will go off about next. What she find to complain about next. It must be really hard to have to live like this & it doesn't do your pain any favors. You would think that she would know this. Obviously she doesnt care. I feel so sad for you. Now is the time when you need your loved ones the most & here she is being so selfish & coldhearted towards you. I just don't understand whats wrong with people like her. You know what they say about "Karma" & what goes around will eventually come around! I will pray that she will see the errors of her ways, for your sake. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You are her brother for Gods sake, not some stranger off the street. I'm just wondering here, have you ever tried to speak with her about the manner in which she treats you? Maybe this may do a bit of good? Have a good ole heart to heart with her. She really is doing you a big injustice by being so cruel & selfish because this stress will eat away at you & cause your pain to be that much worse. I sincerely do hope that she sees the light soon because her ways are just unfair. I mean, i understand that she is being good enough to let you live in her house & she keeps it tidy for you but a little kindness wouldn't kill her, would it? ! lol Or maybe it would lol

I also wish that you had somebody that could help & take care of you. You really do need this & most of all you deserve this!

I am going to keep praying over this for you. Take care. I am here for you if you need me. (((Hugs)))
P.S.
I'm still in alot of pain so i'm going to try to get to bed in a bit. Keep me in your prayers too, ok buddy? And just remember, i care!
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Old 04-10-2010, 09:16 AM   #3
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

Thanks and I will. Not very talkative tonight anyway sorry. A bit depressed. See you again soon. Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 04-10-2010, 06:04 PM   #4
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

Hi allan! I hope that you're feeling better today. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed but i can totally understand why. Maybe it would help if you tried to do something nice for yourself? Like pamper yourself a bit. I know that its hard for you to get out with your back issues & all but maybe you could buy yourself a nice book to read for the times when you're confined to your bed? Or maybe you could buy yourself some sort of treat? I hope that you feel better soon & i'll be thinking of you. Take care. (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-10-2010, 07:32 PM   #5
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

I feel exhausted today as I cleaned the pool and did my washing. I still have to hang my clothes out soon, when I get my breath back. The cloths can wait an hour. It is beeping saying for me to hang them out. My muscles are in spasm so I have no valium left and I will have to wait until Monday for a new script. I wish my doctor would give me more or a stronger dose. I have been taking 2 of the 5mg tablets. I need 10mg as I get 50 so that lasts 25 days unless I skip a night. I try to but it is the only thing that stops my legs jumping. Thanks for checking on me. bye for mow. Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 04-11-2010, 06:43 AM   #6
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

Hello allan,
I wanted to come by & check in on you before i call it a night. I'm sorry to hear that you ran out of your valium. Luckily you don't have long to wait though before you can get your script filled again. But i do understand that sometimes even an hour can seem like forever when we're in pain & need our meds. I hope that you wont have too bad a time while waiting until Monday & i will say some extra prayers for you tonight.

My feet are still killing me Ugh! I made them worse tonight because my son wanted me to go see a movie with him & i didn't want to let him down because i hardly get to do anything with him anymore because of my pain issues so i felt bad & i agreed to go with him. I'm glad i went because my son & i had a really good time. We saw a comedy called Date Night & it was really funny! But most of all i know that it made my son happy to be doing something with mom! My son & i are super close & i love him soooo much! But, no outings for me for awhile as i really do need to get my pain in check.

I'm sorry to hear that you're exhausted & that your muscles are in spasm. Please try to take it easy for awhile.

I'll be thinking of you & keeping you in my prayers. Take care buddy. (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:50 AM   #7
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

I wonder, how many valium 10mg a day are you allowed to take over there in australia?
What's going on over there. Why only 50 tablets a month?. that means you can only take 2 tablets 10mg valium a day?. and that's only for 25 days.

I have no problem getting 10mg valium. In fact my doctor started me on 10mg as you know. He said that I suffer so much I should start on 10mg.

If that's the case over there in australia, I would try clonezepam. My next visit to my doctor I'm gonna ask for this. I've read it's like valium. Perhaps you should check into that?. Just a thought.

Clonazapam is for muscle spasms as far as I know. It should help you.

You are depressed cause you suffer from chronic pain and it's not fair. I don't understand why it happened to all of us but it happened and there is nothing left to do but dealing with it you know?. I'm telling you, this chronic pain changed me big time. I'm not the person I used to be but I'm learning to accept it and have already accepted it. There is nothing left to do.

Feel better allan,

Last edited by nochange; 04-12-2010 at 09:51 AM.

 
Old 04-13-2010, 07:19 AM   #8
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

My doctor will only give me 5mg and I get 50 a month and as you know I need 2 so I have to go without some days so I can get through the month. When I am out I just go without until I see the doctor again. Maybe I can ask about Clonazapam next time Im at the specialist. It is going to be bad enough having to tell my GP that I have changed back to the patch, He doesn't like anyone else making the changes to my meds but if I don't ask the specialist I would still be on tramadol. So I depend on him to keep my pain levels down.
Chronic pain just changes your whole life all aspects of life just everything has been taken from me. I am alone and no one really knows how you feel and how much you are hurting. Not only my lower back pelvice and legs but you hurt inside and feel like crying when you see others going on with their lives and I just lay in bed half the day or watch TV. It is not an easy life when the doctors don't even really give a dam. Some anyway.
Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 12:20 AM   #9
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

As I have mentioned I have started back on the patches and they have helped me with my pain. I don't know how my GP will react as he doesn't like others changing my meds but I really don't want to use him as my regular doctor. The local medical centre suits me best but my doctor I saw there left so that is why I went back to my old GP, I might even go and see the receptionist and ask her if there is a good pain doctor there. It would save me a lot of travel and stress from the drive. My bottom gets sore pushing the clutch when the traffic is bad. So what do I do? I don't want it to look like I am doctor shopping and I don't want a doctor who is against narcotic medication. I suppose I will just go down there and ask. It can't hurt. And thankfully in Australia we don't have a DEA or Cops enforcing the medication. Just the doctors have to answer to the medical board but they are cautious about that though. I think that they prefer a patient using the patches rather than the tablets as they are sometimes abused. I don't want any more than I need just a good doctor who will work with my specialist to maintain a standard of life that is bearable and not like being torched.
Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 02:56 AM   #10
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

I'm so happy for you that you have finally gotten some relief! I wouldn't even worry about what your Dr is going to say when he finds out about you making the switch back to the pain patch but hopefully he will be ok with it. What else were you supposed to do? You had suffered enough!
I just wanted to check in on you & tell you that i'm happy for you. Take care.
(((Hugs)))
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:55 PM   #11
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

I have had some relief but I am still very restricted in what I can do. The builder that is repairing our gate and driveway had the council inspector knock back his work today. I walked down there 3 times to give them a drink and to drag the hose down there to clean up. I probably shouldn't have but I wanted to see how it was going. Now I am sore and distressed. I take on things that I shouldn't and it makes me worse then I should be. It is not my problem but I get concerned about other peoples stuff. I am in bed now quite distressed and I don't know why. Maybe it is the pain. The pain is in my butt and pelvice so it is the sciatica. Probably from walking up our driveway which is steep and it does stir up the pain so I normally use my walking stick. Even with the pain meds walking up a hill hurts quite a bit and I normally avoid. The problem is I have to as that is where my car park is.I don't like this at all so I am going to have a sleep now and maybe that will help. Allan.
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 04-15-2010, 02:56 AM   #12
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

Hey there allan, i'm sorry to hear that you're feeling distressed tonight & that your sciatica is acting up. You gotta stop walking up & down that long driveway buddy! You dont want to cause yourself any unwanted stress or pain thats for sure! I understand that you wanted to see what was going on & it was nice of you to take them something to drink but you have to think about your pain buddy. Let them worry about their own problems. I hope that you will wake up feeling much better! A good rest should help! I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers & i'm thinking of you. Big Hugs!
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Old 04-15-2010, 06:16 AM   #13
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

Because I haven't been swimming much as the water is cold I thought some walking would help me but it seems that the sciatica is bad enough that I can't walk to far without causing pain and aggravating the nerves that are being compressed by my vertebrae and disc's so that is no good I obviously need the surgery. I hope you are able to get around without doing any damage to your feet Angel and I also wish you would get a wheelchair as it would make a big difference to your pain. Your doctor will probably tell you this but I also understand that you don't want to be seen in a wheel chair as our pride is there telling us that we shouldn't be seen to be disabled. I know just how it feels as I went to a party and had to use my walking stick and or course the lady that I had been hoping to ask out was there. Anyway a month or so I saw her with a guy who looked similar to me only without a back problem was with her and they had been married and were fixing up a unit they bought. I was a bit upset not to bad but just enough that I thought that could have been me she even quickly avoided eye contact too so she must have felt bad. Anyway I don't want to push you as I do understand. I wish you the best. Allan.
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 05:04 AM   #14
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

Hey Allan, thanks buddy. I do appreciate your concern for me & the whole wheel chair thing & i understand that you're just trying to help. I know that using a wheel chair would help me because walking always causes my feet to hurt worse but i've made it 4 yrs so far & i have an appointment on the 26th with my Foot & Ankle Surgeon & i really do believe that he will be either doing the ESWT or setting me up for the surgery so i'm just trying to do this on my own for now as i am hoping that my pain will end soon. I dont want to invest in a wheel chair just yet as they can be expensive but i will consider it if it gets much more unbarable. But thanks for looking out for me buddy!
Big Hugs To You!
How are you tonight?
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Last edited by Angelique43; 04-16-2010 at 05:06 AM. Reason: Added

 
Old 04-16-2010, 05:58 AM   #15
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Re: My life of pain and depression.

It's been a while since I have been on line as I have been a bit sick. I sometimes get reflux from a hiatus hernia anyway I woke up last night with really bad burning in windpipe that won't go away until I go back to sleep and It is hard to go to sleep when your throat is burning with acid. I am also getting used to the patch. I have been shaky. my hands shake a fair bit and my whole body does a bit until you get used to the patch. I want to persevere though of it all won't be worth it. I have found it a bit hard when I change any or the meds.
Allan
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25-Nov-2010: ALIF fusion L5-S1. 9 years of Chronic lower back pain. Nearly 18 months of pain across my upper pelvis, through my butt and down my left leg into my foot. Sciatica relieved by surgery.

 
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