I commiserate and empathize with your pain... if you read my blogs you know I have shared the same thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now.
Some mornings I wake up and wonder why would God do this to me... Just when I got my depression to a manageable point... All the sudden I get in car accident that I wasn't driving and its wasn't my driver's fault, so I wasn't irresponsible in that choice, so why is this happening to me?!? I know I am a good person, with a good heart and yet I feel like I am being punished.
From reading your posts I can see you are a good person too.. so why is it these burdens are being piled upon us? Maybe its just because there is a need for us... a need for good people that can empathize and understand and help others get through their trials. That's the only sensible reason I can come up with.
But the price we have to pay... and though it does my heart good knowing I can help someone going through the same struggles... it just doesn't seem fair. The price seems too high, for what little we get back in rewards. Right now, you need to find a way to care for yourself above all others.
Even if it means isolating yourself from the ones you love... It is not an easy or painless or fair option but it is probably your best and maybe your only option. One hard lesson I had to learn is caring for oneself first and foremost isn't selfish its an act of love. It is love by lifting the worries of the people who love you by taking care of your needs as only you can. They can't understand or grasp what is going on in your life so they can't see to your needs, only you can do that because you are the only one who truly grasps what you need to make sure your needs are being met.
Personally, in your situation I would consider getting away to a clinic and getting some psychological therapy to start. Right now you are in a maelstrom of emotional chaos and you need to find a stable shelter from the storm before you can move on to making rational decisions on how to cope with all the physical pain you are enduring on a daily basis.
I know myself that my moments where I lack focus are more often due to the blinding pain than a side effect of the medications. But I know that's not how my lack of focus is perceived by those around me. They have no concept of the pain and can't even imagine how bad the pain is because they have never experienced it like we have. So they attribute it all to the medications. Yes, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy but don't you sometimes wish they could feel just for one day what you feel so they could understand what you face on a daily basis?
Really, the most love you can show to the ones you love right now is to take care of you. And know its not a selfish choice and there is nothing to feel guilty about because you are doing it out of love.
I'm here and so are many others that care and love you just from experiencing you here. If you need any specific advice, don't hesitate to ask. You are worth it and we wouldn't invest our time and energy if you weren't, so obviously you are worthy. These boards and this world would be an emptier and less bright place without you so don't give up. This world would be so diminished without you. You are that precious and important.
Always know, you are precious, important, worthy and loved.