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Old 07-18-2013, 07:40 AM   #1
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Angry Pain is hurting my marriage too!

I was in a car accident 2 years ago and hit very hard on my left side. I tired everything before a Dr. finally referred me to pain management. I have been going since Jan. I have had 3 SI procedures and they seemed to help for 2 months. Now the pain is back just as bad if not worse. Since I was feeling better they cut my pain meds in half. Well one week before my refill is due I am in worse pain than ever. However the meds don't seem to be doing anything for the pain anymore.
I was in so much pain last night I asked my husband to fix dinner for the family. (my pain meds aren't due for a refill until Sat) Then I asked him to rub some icy hot on my back and neck. He told me he was busy - I then expressed I was in a lot of pain and it might help a little. He came into the kitchen yelling at me that if I am in so much pain I should go to the ER. I can't do that because I signed a pain management contract.
If I ask for more meds at the PM I feel like a drug seeker. I have also had a bad time getting the meds at one pharmacy - wouldn't fill it when I was prescribed 120 pills and then asked why I need it every month. Now my husband is getting mad at me for having the pain all the time.

 
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:50 AM   #2
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Hi Snark!! I'm sorry to hear about what your enduring both physically & mentally. It's a sad but true fact that CP affects our relationships. I can recall a very stressful time in my life (prior to PM) when I had to go to the ER the night we were in the process of moving to a new home. My family was already stressed. My husband (on very little sleep) told me something ill never forget!! He said (while I was in the ER bed/Rm. awaiting an X-ray) ...."how long is this going to take, because I don't have all day & have better things to do with my time!" I became so angry & told him TO LEAVE but he didnt! When the results came bk he felt like a monster (Which he was) Lol ....long story short...at intervals when the time is right: we communicate about my situation & I've played videos for him online about spouses dealing w/a CP family member! I've also (sometimes) have taken him to SOME of my appointments & my doctors not only speak to me BUT directly to him & he has become more compassionate....but the road is still bumpy.. Truth be told!! I've reminded him about "the in sickness & health" vows (-; from time to time!! I've always found that "timing" in communicating is a key factor! ....and life has a way of kicking "some" in the rear as he had to go through a very painful situation not that long ago; & he said he sympathized with me during that time! Maybe you should (kindly) tell hubby that pain does not discriminate & YOU WOULD NOT abandon him if the tables ever turn as we are the MOST compassionate, humble, loving grp of people due to our (sometimes demeaning) experiences (: Hang in there!!

 
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Old 07-18-2013, 05:15 PM   #3
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

I am very sorry you are having these issues. CP is a tough life in many many ways. I am fortunate that I have a supportive and caring husband who rarely complains. All I can offer is to say there are people who understand and will support you when you need to vent.

 
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Old 07-18-2013, 07:24 PM   #4
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Hi Snarkpain-

I understand what you are going thru-The reason you were feeling better was probably because the pain meds were doing their job at that prescribed amount. I cannot believe you were asked by your pharmacy why you need it every month!!! Just when I think I have heard all the cruel, ignorant things, people who don't think say, and especially a pharmacy, they should be able to tell.

This is another problem in pain management when you get a doctor who doesn't realize that-this is something my own PM doctor has shared with me-A doctor will cut a patients dose the second they report they are feeling better, and this is often a huge mistake. Your doctor probably should have give it some time, I cannot function without my medication, But it is manged pretty well where I am getting 50% relief a lot of times-and, I am sure you know 50% is considered successful, but if my doctor were too cut or change the dose it would affect me adversely I have no doubt.

It is so true what ANNIE07 said, cpp are a very loving compassionate group-I look at my two kids sweet faces, ages 22 and 17, and my husband(who he also had to transition)and would gladly take this pain 10 times over if it would save them from ever feeling this type of pain.

Try telling your doctor how the change in your medication has affected your ability to function, tell him/her what you told us here that happened with your husband.

Good luck.
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Last edited by BB07; 07-18-2013 at 07:44 PM.

 
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:17 PM   #5
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Dear snarkpain, Im so sorry, i understand & one thing i have noticed myself is that we, cp pts, are almost always home. During the day do you ever find that you really enjoy having the house to yourself? I do, & one day i realized that my husband rarely gets to do that! If i ever do leave, im home befor he gets home & he Never gets that time. So, i occasionally go into another room to read or whatever to give him some space. And the icy hot or a massage seems Huge to me when im grasping at anything feasible for relief but to a normal person they dont understand why its important that it happens that minute because they could wait, just like the pharmacy staff, husbs & many,many people dont "get it" because they have never experienced it! You will find many people here that "get it" all too well! No, it doesnt make it right or hurt less but it is often our patience, forgiveness, compassion that defuses situations like you describe. But, i do have to give them credit for patience because my husb does so much to make up for my disability. I told my PM dr that my family was pushing me to go to a new NS & see if some new treatment had been invented to "fix" me & he asked if i thought a family meeting with him would help. I declined graciously & he wrote on my summary of todays visit that i declined a psychologist!! So consider before telling the dr.& also my dr has standing orders at the ER for treatment so its not against his pain contract to go to the ER. Spouses can suffer too seeing who they love hurt all the time but its not the life we chose either to have cp & just like it can make us devastated, it can make them frustrated, because if i have pain my husband wants to fix it for me & cant! It doesnt mean they dont love us or care, its just that they dont understand. I understand & I'm so sorry that this is happening & remember no matter the explanations from us or drs or even if they suffer pain sometimes too that their pain comes to an end, thank God! and ours doesnt!

Last edited by gmak; 07-19-2013 at 04:36 AM. Reason: wording

 
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:17 PM   #6
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Snark,

Sorry you've got so much on your shoulders right now. First off the pharmacy has no business questioning why you need your meds each month, or refusing to fill a legitimate script from a Dr. I would report them to your State Licensing Board. I hope you found a pharmacy that doesn't hassle you. One thing I've learned over my 25+ years in Pain Management is that having a good pharmacy is just as important as having a good Dr. I interviewed my pharmacist just like my Dr.'s, explained my needs, made sure they would be met and that I'd be treated with respect regardless of what meds I was on. I've had the same pharmacist for almost 15 years now, and even though it is part of a national chain, Rite Aid, I get excellent service.

The husband...well he's human right? We have to go through the pain, the tests, the Dr. visits and all that, but spouses and sig. others have their emotions and such to deal with as we go through all of it....perhaps your hubby was just having an off night? Could he be frustrated at seeing you still in pain after all this time? I hope he's that kind of hubby. I hope he's not just being a jerk to you. If it is the latter...just ignore his mood and take care of you when your pain is that bad.

Dr.'s & meds: If your pain is increased and the meds aren't cutting it, it's perfectly okay to have a conversation with your PM about it. You don't necessarily have to go in and ask for more meds, you can go in and ask for more pain relief....whatever modality he thinks that should be. Just explain to him that your hurting badly and your current meds aren't taking care of it.

I hope you find some relief soon.

KK

 
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Old 07-22-2013, 11:49 PM   #7
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

I'm so sorry to hear about this. My pain and brain injury went untreated for several years, and it cost me my marriage. For starters, I'd talk with your doctor about needing better pain control, and I'd also mention to him/her what the pharmacist said. Unless the pharmacist suspects forged scripts, they have no reason to be asking why you need meds monthly. That was wrong on their part. I know the feelings attached to having to go in and tell a doctor the meds aren't working - it does make you feel like a low-life. But you're being responsible, so your doctor will very likely see that and be receptive. As for the marital problems, have you considered a support group for both of you? I found out one of the reasons my ex got so angry was that she couldn't fix it. It hurt her to see me in so much pain and she wanted to help, but couldn't. I'd encourage your husband to get involved with other spouses of pain patients. Many times they feel like they can open up in a group, because they won't be saying things to you they think might hurt your feelings. If he can get a true understanding that he's not alone in his thinking/feelings, it might make a big difference in how he reacts when you're having a bad day. It's tough for everyone involved, and I do wish you the very best. Please keep us posted.

 
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:32 AM   #8
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snarkpain View Post
I was in a car accident 2 years ago and hit very hard on my left side. I tired everything before a Dr. finally referred me to pain management. I have been going since Jan. I have had 3 SI procedures and they seemed to help for 2 months. Now the pain is back just as bad if not worse. Since I was feeling better they cut my pain meds in half. Well one week before my refill is due I am in worse pain than ever. However the meds don't seem to be doing anything for the pain anymore.
I was in so much pain last night I asked my husband to fix dinner for the family. (my pain meds aren't due for a refill until Sat) Then I asked him to rub some icy hot on my back and neck. He told me he was busy - I then expressed I was in a lot of pain and it might help a little. He came into the kitchen yelling at me that if I am in so much pain I should go to the ER. I can't do that because I signed a pain management contract.
If I ask for more meds at the PM I feel like a drug seeker. I have also had a bad time getting the meds at one pharmacy - wouldn't fill it when I was prescribed 120 pills and then asked why I need it every month. Now my husband is getting mad at me for having the pain all the time.
Well, that's a car accident. Sorry to see here another one who has to suffer from chronic pain caused by a car accident and yes, if pain persists more than 6 months than it's chronic pain.

That will interest you. Couple of weeks ago I talked with an orthopedic surgeon and he told me that: we doctors DON'T understand about car accidents, I asked him why?, and he said they just don't and as far as I see that, they have to prescribe pain meds for us even if your mri doesn't show much. It's soft tissue damage (tendons, ligaments and muscles get damaged and maybe more than that).

 
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Old 07-31-2013, 09:43 PM   #9
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Snarkpain, yes unfortunately our family members suffer along with us. In a different way but they still suffer. Personally I think there should be more done before people get married to understand the vows they are taking. When you are 24 and healthy, the last thing you are thinking about in sickness and in health.

I have been married for 21 years and with him 23 years. I filed for divorce a week ago because he had been having a long term affair and now lives with his mistress. He blames EVERYTHING on my illness yet he doesn't have the strength of character to stick it out.

I don't know if it is common for other significant others, but my soon to be ex thought he got the worst end of the deal. I cannot rap my head around that fact. He refused any counseling at first and when I tried to suggest online support like this he wanted nothing to do with it. We finally went into marital counseling but it went no where because he was already well into his affair.

He flat out said that this is too much for him to deal with. He began to blame me for my illness and it was getting messy. I am still devastated and wish with all my heart I had someone who understand this kind of pain and adjusts accordingly.

I also wish there were face to face support groups for both the ill or injured person and the spouse and family. I have literally spent years trying to find if any support groups existed and the only one I found was for Fibro and autoimmune diseases which mine is and I got all excited only to get in my email a week later it was being cancelled.

Where our biggest difficulty lay was that he very much wanted to live in the "normal" world. I can no longer do that. I tried my hardest. Many times I'd get myself together, we'd get to the restaurant, have maybe 15,20 minutes with our friends or family and then I would need to lay down. He hated that. So I felt SO guilty all the way home and then just wanted to throw the covers over my head. I needed compassion and understand and instead got judgement and condemnation.

We argued constantly if I had the energy or ability to do things he wanted to do. Since I couldn't go and I didn't want him feeling stuck in the house I encouraged him to have guy nights out. Unfortunately guy nights out turned into inviting women and then affairs.

Do not let ANYONE make you feel bad or like a drug seeker. I can tell by your post that are trying. That's what matters, you aren't giving up on trying to make things better. Now that you are sick, the dynamics of your relationship has changed. We don't want them to but we have no choice. What is he doing to help change the dynamics? Mine did nothing but complain and leave it all up to me. He is the other half of this equation, he is as responsible for making the changes as you are. You will find out what he is made of. It breaks my heart that my guy completely abandoned me when he swore to have my back, but that is his character.

There is a great letter called "Letter to Normals" if you haven't printed it yet, do it and give it to him to read. It has a perspective for a "normal" person. Something else that would maybe helpful is to see if there is any life stories from people who suffer with the same things you do. I got lucky that a grad student did an experiment and had 150 people with my disease write their stories and was going to compile them. I got copies and handed them out to family and a few friends and there were able to hear other people experiences with my disease. I hope it helped them understand better. It seems to. Some people were astonished once they read our stories and they treat me completely different now, for the better.

Sorry for the long post:-)

 
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Old 08-01-2013, 06:02 PM   #10
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

BL: My heart goes out to you & my marriage has been affected by CP too & I wonder when, if, OR how my hubby will leave with my health insurance in tow!! You seem so strong, empowered, & smart, but I know this has to be devastating you inside!! Infidelity has touched my life in more ways than one & I've seen dear family members destroyed by it & those who stayed together....still affected because the affair "baggage" & trust issues!! I Know you will be better off (may not seem like it now)..he does not deserve you!!

 
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Old 08-01-2013, 06:38 PM   #11
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Losing a spouse is so scary, and I personally never even gave divorce a second thought because I supported myself(and him for the first 12 years of our relationship until I got sick). Then as I came dependent on him and big time for insurance, I became so scared too lose him. But we have to remember we are ALL strong people for enduring what we have. Many people accept what the doc gives and tells them and that's it. We are on this site because we are fighters! It's not ideal in any situation for a marriage to fall apart and I did everything to save mine until I found out he was with another woman, deal breaker.

I truly believe we are special people to have these injuries and illnesses. We have to deal with things "normals" can't even imagine unless it happens to them. We support each other without even seeing or knowing each other(my ex always said was a waste of my time). As long as we hang in there, there is hope and anything can be accomplished!

Last edited by Boxerluver; 08-01-2013 at 06:40 PM. Reason: Spelling of course LOL

 
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Old 08-02-2013, 12:24 PM   #12
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Re: Pain is hurting my marriage too!

Im so sorry to hear of divorces & trouble in the posts that people wrote in responce to you. So very sad because these people are loving, compassionate victims of illness or pain & deserve for their loved one to stay put. Is there a possibility that its as simple as you asked him to make dinner then while he was doing that you asked him for the icyhot to be applied & he got frustrated because no one can make dinner & massage at the same time? I hope so.

 
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