Why won't I allow myself to feel joy?
Hi All, I posted this over on the depression board but for those of you who do not go to that board I wanted your thought and opinions:
I start out with a panic attack which is followed by a bout of depression, usually. And like a lot of people I tried going off my meds (Paxil) after having been on it for about 7 years and feeling pretty good. It got to the point where I thought I had forgotten how it felt to be anxious and depressed so I thought it was a good time to get off of them. Well, after being off of it for about 2 months I had a pretty intense panic attack while trying to fall asleep. They usually hit at night when I'm alone with my thoughts. The following days I had alternate feelilngs of anxiety and depression. I immediately got back on Paxil, resigning myself to the fact that perhaps I will need this medicine for a lifetime. I have never been able to sort out in my mind if my problem is chemical or psychological in nature. I too, have been to different therapists and although talking about it may have given some relief, it never has been able to completely stop the symptoms. AD meds do that for me - oh, I might feel a little twinge every now and then of anxiety or depression but NOTHING like how I feel when I'm not on meds. Sometimes I think my real fear is the feeling itself - that it will completely consume me and I will not be able to bear it any longer (although rationally I've been "bearing" it for years) that's the CBT that I have to practice on myself. I also ask myself why don't I think I deserve to feel joy and happiness? In other words, I blame myself for my misery, i.e. wallowing in depression, making myself miserable with anxiety attacks. It's like I'm punishing myself and won't allow myself to just be happy and joyful. Anyone else feel this way?