My Year From Hell.... - Panic Disorders Message Board

BellaBean · 02-06-2005, 09:15 AM

Hi guys, just wanted to post and express how horrible I am feeling. A litle background...I have had a name for this horrid disorder fro 10 years. However, have suffered since I was a little girl. I have been on Paxil for the past 4 years. It took me a long time to start the meds because like so many others, I was petrified to take the meds. Well, I did, and they did me great. It was almost 2 years ago when I decided I wanted to try and come off. Well, that was hell. I did come off very fast (big mistake) and everything returned. So I went back on them.

Well, just over a year ago, my husband and I decided to build a new house, move to a different city, sell my "safe" zone. I loved my little house, but it was time to move as the house was pretty small and my husband was having to commute to a different city for work. So we put the "safe" zone up for sale. We built this beautiful home and moved to a new city. Also during that time, husband and I had gotten engaged. We were planning a wedding. We wanted something small and intimate. We decided to go to get married in hawaii. We are from Canada, and travelling is one of the biggest triggers for me. Also during this time, I got a new job and left one I had been at for 7 years. There I had job security, benefits, etc. I went to a new job and was on probation, had no benefits, could be fired within my probationary period for no reason. So since all of this, we have moved, got married, switched jobs again. Now I am not on probation, I am only hired on a casual basis, trying to get permanent. Throw that together with the fact that the husband has expressed the desire to start having children and I am losing my mind.

My other biggest trigger is the fear of getting sick to my stomach. Well, last Monday, I got the stomach flu or food poisoning. I was violently ill from both ends for hours. I was home alone as my husband was working shiftwork. I managed, actually did very well. But it was the next day that I started the catastrophic thinking....what if I get sick? If I get sick, I will have to call in ill to work, work will get angry and since I am only casual, I will get fired. If I get fired, I won't be able to contribute to the bills/mortgage/etc. If I can't do that, we will lose the house. If we lose the house, my husband will get very angry with me and he will divorce me. I will be all alone and will end up hospitalized in a vegetative state receiving minimal government funding.

See how totally crazy this sounds, but those are my thoughts. Now if I had the job security, or if I didn't have the household bills, there would be something else to freak me out.

I see a psychologist and have completed a group therapy program. I have been doing therapy on this for about 5 years, and am in the process of working on a project to start a support group in my area. However, I still let this take complete control of me. I have ativan sitting right in front of me, but I'm petrified to take it because what if I become dependent on it or what if I think it's the only thing that can help me during a panic attack.

Anyways, I am rambling and I know the source for all my anxiety is the major changes throughout this whole year. But please can anyone offer me any words of encouragement, I am just so afraid.

hry33 · 02-06-2005, 12:02 PM

to bella,
are you on paxil now? if so it doesnt seem to be working at all, maybe ask doc about upping the dose, it gets confusing here as there are 2 versions in some places with different dose ranges

paxil should reduce or stop all anxiety and panic attacks, but for some it never works or works a while then stops, some get a strong placebo effect from it when its not working, its just 1 of many prozac type meds but does have a reputation of being unusually hard to stop

ativan, a valium type med is very helpful and anxiety sufferers seldom become addicted to it, we are usually too sensible
catastrophopic thinking, stinking thinking, is common for anxiety sufferers, also we generally dislike changes

BellaBean · 02-06-2005, 12:23 PM

Thanks for the reply. I don't know what your name is, but it looks like Harry. Do you mind if I call you Harry. Anyways, so where do I go from here? Stinking thoughts is right. I am on regular Paxil. Was at 40 mg and I have come down to 30 mg over a month ago. See the whole point was to start tapering off because I hear Paxil is horrible for babies. The goal is to get pregnant. Which is another complete catastrophe for me. Anyways, I don't think that will be for awhile (over a year). I had been okay at 30 mg. But, you know even when I was at 40 mg for the past 8 months, I had some major panic episodes. My thoughts are that the meds work on the symptoms, but the mind can be stronger than the symptoms if I let it. Anyways, I am just so overwhelmed. I just got back from going and doing some errands because I hate just sitting with these thoughts. However, my psychologist says I really need to rest. That my mind is utterly exhausted and I need to totally veg out. I am just petrified to sit still. So should I just take the Ativan and call it a day at home on the couch???

Thanks Harry.