Hello there. I really need some help with my anxiety and panic attacks. This may go on a bit...but if you have the time to read this then please do.
Basically i am a "nearly recovered" person, from deperssion, anxiety, panic attacks, nervousness (with extreeme vomiting side effects), and a dozen other things.
basically im doing pretty good with it all. Only whats holding me back is... well heres the story.
I'm 18, i live at home, i find it hard to get a job-im not one of these people who is living off benefits paid by all the tax payers for no reason. because i've tried. i've had 12 jobs since the age of 15.
So anyway i live with my mom and dad. and we cant get on, my dad suffers with depression but expresses it in a non...sort of 'depressive' way..its more of an agressive way.
My dad constantly puts me down. Tells me how worthless i am. and for no reason. Ok i find it hard to work. but im doing to much about it to try! Ive been looking into becomming self employed. im also doing an 'at home degree' at the same time.
I also cook, clean, wash, iron, look after my brother, our dog, i completely run the house ASWELL as helping my dad most days to do his job.
but its as if my dad is in a different world to me...
imagine this frustration
You can see that smiley face
is red. you know its red. then someone deemed normal tells you its blue. can you imagine arguing with them. telling them its red and they argue its blue. you can physically see this! you KNOW the truth.
thats how most of my day is. my dad will argue things against me that are blatently not true.
i cant even remember most of the things we actually argue about, i try not to respond now. i just say calm down or say dont speak to me like this i help you so much and i dont deserve this. but yet he will then act childish and have a go at me for 'disrespecting' him. the things i say are not 'disrespective' its just that my answers to everything seem to be really mature and my dad acts like a spoiled child. and he feels stupid when i reply with these mature answers so he THEN has a go at me for disrespecting. i then get annoyed because he doesnt say any of this in a pleasant manner -its occasional swearing, but mainly its really personal comments or insults.
I have all this stress on a daily (4/5incidents like this a day) basis.
sometimes my dad will have a go at me because he hasnt heard me properly when im helping him, like doing some paperwork for him...he wont hear something ive said so i'll go into the room to tell him instead of shouting across the house. and i get called things like 'pighead' or he'll tell me im controlling. and i'll say "i was only trying to help you!" and he'll say "oh yeah it looks like it".
and again i go back to my frustrating example of the coloured smiley-this is how frustrating this is. its as if he's not real. i cant believe it.
I've tried talking to him, my mom, other family members. i used to see a psychiatrist, counciller, communitiy psychiatric nurse and am currently seeing a counciller that doesnt seem to want to help.
sometimes when i get through he will be really sorry and itll be nice for a day or 2. but then it just all starts again.
Anyway thats the story (and a problem) but the thing im asking for help with is my breathing. My dad winds me up and frustrates me so much. i constantly shake, pass out, and just general other stress side affects. ive had over a dozen types of tests just to make sure its nothing physical.
when im stressed i cant breathe. i get worked up and ive managed to beat the panic attacks now, but im having these breathing problems. i constantly feel like im gasping for air, i feel like i cant take a deep breath. its as if i need the air to keep going down my throat then chest to reach a certain place that causes that 'deep' breath. and i cant achieve that. it wont go far enough. i know this may sound silly, but i am physically paranoid and scared about getting a cold. i mean its winter now and these sort of things come around and get passed around everywhere. and if my nose is blocked thats even more agony added to my problem because itll make it harder to breathe.
Erm...ok so so far ive been to the doctors, used to be on beta blockers for my panic and anxiety attacks. im off that now. im athsmatic...very very VERY mildly. and...if i take my inhailers i tremble/shake uncontrollably. and ive never had that problem before. its only when i cant breath that this happens. when i first started having these problems i was so scared that i couldnt breathe i went to hospital. and they told me it was like an 'ongoing' or 'slow' long term panic attack. they said theres nothing i can do about it but try to relax.
as most of you guys know suffering with these kind of problems...someone who tells you to relax....i mean...thats like asking an anorexic person to go and have a macdonalds or something. (by the way i dont mean that in a horrible way...its just for people to realise its like the most unrealistic request).
Oh another thing im going to add incase this can help someone answer me, if i can FORCE myself to yawn...that FEELS very similar to the feeling of having a deep breath so i try to do that a lot. but then my chest becomes painful for all the failed attempts just to breath.
Ok..I am really SO sorry this is such a long post..but i've had this for so long and its all been building up and i just cant take it anymore. i need some help to stop me from self harming and exploding. im at the last little string of hope.
yesterday my dad upset me so much.
i cant get help from hospital, mental health councillers, doctors, family, friends. i dont know what to do anymore.
please help me