Candee

I am really in a bad space these days so much so that getting out of bed in the morning is a major effort. Everything seems to overwhelm and worry me these days--I've more or less cut myself off from life and have become agorophobic. I have had depression/anxiety off and on over my 50 yrs. but this time around seems to be especially hard. I quit my night job about a month ago because it was overwhelming me and I thought that life would be a lot less stressful for me but now I'm getting overwhelmed by housework and things that I need to do around here. I find myself people pleasing to overcome my doubts about myself and my abilities these days--almost acting like a robot to get things done. I have lost touch with what makes me happy and just how to live in general--it's horrific. I just started Effexor 5 days ago because the Celexa I was on just wasn't working anymore. I'm also on buspar for anxiety. I cannot take Xanax or the benzos because I'm in recovery from drugs and alcohol--12 yrs. sober. Time seems excrutiating to me--I live for the nights when I seem to feel a bit better knowing that I can get a bit of respit from sleep. I get this overwhelming free floating anxiety which seems to never leave and brings on dizziness and an off balance feeling. I don't want to leave the house feeling this way. I've been using a lot of avoidence behavior here lately to not have to leave my home which was once a safe haven but now seems more like a prison. I feel physically sick with this plus it feels like there is cotten my head. I find myself feeling really guilty about feeling this way and then try to overcompensate(people please) which makes me feel bad about myself. I need a plan but am not really sure where to start--I feel really lost--like I've lost myself during this past year. It's really scary--life seems scary to me. Any advice y6ou all might have for me would be much appreciated. I have to force myself to get the things done that need done around here because I feel so darn bad. I just want to be normal---my thinking patterns have gotten out of whack and I don't know if I'm coming or going even though I don't have all that much stress these days. My birthday is Thursday and I also have a funeral I need to attend 250 miles away(my aunt) There is no way that I can be around all my relatives feeling the way I do and now I'm overwhelmed with guilt about that. My hubby gets so tired of me complaining about my symptoms all the time so I just put up a front and act "as if" I'm OK but it's getting harder and harder. I cannot seem to find a light at the end of the tunnel---I'm stuck. I want my life back. Thanx for letting me vent, Candee