truly free

Hi, my name's Kristin. I came to healthboards.com looking for answers to some research I'm doing, completely unrelated to panic disorders, but I saw this forum and felt like I should go in and post something, because I know what it's like to be at the absolute very end of your rope.

I don't even know how it happened, or how I got so bad. It started with a nervous feeling in my stomach that made me lose my appetite, or just my will to eat went away, I don't know. I wasn't sleeping hardly at all, I'd just stay up and think about stuff, about everything, and I couldn't get my brain to turn off. All my insides were tense, like they were functioning 50 times faster than they should and it was like at any second my body was just going to explode. It got to the point where I could literally not do anything. I couldn't eat, I could barely speak without my voice shaking or talking 150 mph making no sense whatsoever, I couldn't move, I'd just sit on my sofa, too scared (of what, I don't know) and defeated to do anything, and I'd just cry all day.

Well to make a long story slightly shorter, I went to get help, they told me I had a couple of anxiety disorders (general anxiety & social) and depression, & they gave me Paxil, Xanax, & Ambien. I felt slightly different physically, I wasn't trembling as much, but I was still me, and my brain was still my brain, despite the attempts to "unlearn conditioned responses".

This was my senior year of college when all this went down, and I was sitting in my apartment trying to concentrate on homework (my brain was still going 200 mph) and I just stopped and realized there was absolutely no hope for me. I was going to have to live my life like this, and the thought of that was just too much, I was absolutely positive I was doomed. Right then the phone rang, and for the past couple weeks I hadn't been answering the phone and just listening to messages of my friends wondering where the heck I was. This time I decided to pick it up. It was a friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in years. She asked me how I was doing, I told her the truth. She told me she knew the only way I could get better, and obviously I was doubtful, but willing to hear. She said I needed to give my heart to Jesus and ask forgiveness for my sin and surrender my life to him, put it in his hands, and that was the only way. What's funny is, the reason why I lost touch with my friend is because she got all religious on me. But this time, I just decided to give in. She said the sinners prayer over the phone with me, and I promised her I'd go to church with her on Sunday, and warned her it wouldn't be a pretty sight (me in public around people). But I went and got filled with the Holy Ghost and I bought my first bible that night, and really truly prayed that night for the first time. I mean, I'd prayed a few times in the past, but it was just a wishy washy prayer, cause I didn't know if God heard me or not, or even if he was up there at all. The night I prayed for God to take away all my nervousness and sadness, I just completely put it in His hands, knowing it was the only way, what I needed was nothing less than a miracle. The next morning, I woke up, and oh my goodness, I'm crying now just thinkin about it, I have never felt such joy, ever. I could actually breathe again. I had my brain back, I had my body back, I was me again, I could actually laugh. It is just so incredible what God can do. So yeah, I could go on and on, this is really long already though. There is a definite way out though, thank God. Feel free to email me about anything.

-Kristin
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ModSix
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[This message has been edited by ModSix (edited 01-24-2003).]