In A Place Called "Hell!" - Panic Disorders Message Board

Candee · 01-27-2003, 08:27 PM

I have been spiraling down w/ my anxiety and panic disorder for the past few years. I am now in such mental anguish and fear from this disorder that I have almost lost hope again. Back in Oct. I was in the psyche ward for what they called total overwhelm and panic and I had almost attempted suicide. I knew that I needed help when I almost couldn't stop myself from going to the knife drawer in my kitchen. They loaded me up with a couple of more meds there--I'm on Buspar, EffexorXR, Klonipin, seroquel and ambien for sleep. I had a major panic attack right in the psyche ward and they rushed me to the hospital for heart tests and like most of you all mine came back OK. I was so scared seemed like I was at deaths door. It still does but I try and keep that under wraps cause I do not want to seem psycho. Appearances have always been very important to me. My mask is slowly crumbling though and I cannot bear to be around people when I feel this over all all consuming anxiety on a daily basis. Answering the door or even the phone takes a major toll on my already stressed mind and body. I have a hard time even talking to my husband b/c I just want to scream--can't you see I am hurting so badly and am scared out of my mind.
I quit a job I cared about 6 months ago after working there a year and a half. Working nights and care taking chemically dependent people took its toll on me. As my anxiety and stress rose I started people pleasing and then found myself not being able to make decent decisions in a job where that was called for. I came down w/ Graves disease which effected my eyes and changed my appearence so I looked bug-eyed. They put me on Prednisone and I gained 45 pounds on that. I look in the mirror now and do not even know or really want to know the frightened woman staring back at me. I'm 51 yrs. old and and at times feel 5 yrs. old. I feel so guilty b/c my husband is working 2 jobs still--he has been for about 3 years. Never really see him except a bit on weekends. He comes home tired at 5:30 and goes to bed at 7PM to go to work at his second job at midnight. For the past months I have been scared out of my wits about a pain under my left breast bone, my eyes get blurry and out of focus a lot and I AM SO TIRED--arms and legs feel like lead weights. Every day is practically the same--get up do chores, feed animals, read and worry. I touch up my house but nothing major like I used to do. I do all this with dread of impending doom. When I do come into contact with people which is seldom it feels unreal and detatched b/c I try to pretend that everything is OK and I have a hard time doing that so I am not being real. I'm a thirty hour psyche major and for the life of me I do not know how to get out of this. I feel so trapped. I go to the store only about once a week and have to force myself with all of my will. I just have all kinds of scary nameless fears and have lost all of my confidence b/c of this. I cannot learn and grow like this. My husband is a major controller and I used to fight for the things I wanted/needed and I've lost my fight. Can any of you relate and have you found help?
ZZTexas has an excellent concept the hard part is I want to be well NOW and when that doesn't happen, I give up in areas which make me feel more like a failure. God is also an excellent idea I wish that I felt like I was connecting to Him. Any help would be appreciated. Candee

truly free · 01-27-2003, 09:19 PM

Candee,
I went through about 2 months of the hell you described, and surely it is the closest you can get to hell on this earth. Those 2 months were the longest months of my life, I can't imagine living like that for years. I'm telling you now though, there is hope, I am living proof, there is hope. Put your hope in God. I know that you can see that there is no hope for you in this world. Nothing in this world has saved you, and nothing will. Put your trust in God, and you will be delivered from every problem. This is a promise from God, and God is not a man that he would lie. If you're ready to give up your life, if you see there is nothing in this world for you, and you're ready to give it to God and serve him, and speak his beautiful word to others who are in the position you're in searching for a way out, here's what you do:

Say these words out loud:

"Dear God, I come unto you a broken woman. I ask forgiveness for my sins. I believe that Jesus Christ, your only begotten son, shed his blood to break the bondage of the sin in my life and that his blood and only his blood can wash away my sins and save me from myself. Wash me clean in the blood of Christ. I promise to follow Jesus Christ with all my might from this day forth. Thank you God for saving my soul. Thank you for making me a new creature. In Jesus name I pray, believing it's done. Amen."

You are now born again. You are a child of God. This is the first best day of your life, and every day from now on will be better.

Romans 10:10 - For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

Confess your salvation out loud:

"I am born again. I am a child of God. All my sins have been washed clean in the blood of Jesus. I am a new creature in Christ Jesus. Thank you Father for my beautiful salvation!"

The most important thing for you to do now is find a church that believes in the baptism of the Holy Ghost, and get yourself a King James Version bible (this is the word of God, and no other).

If you go into this forum and click on "there is a way out", you can read my story. I mentioned how I was at the very end, like you, and that a friend of mine I hadn't talk to in years called me out of no where and she's the one that prayed with me and told me how to be free. That friend's name is Candace. People call her Candee. One thing I've learned since giving my life to Jesus is there are no coincidences.

I wish I could at least give my email address to you, but the moderators will take it off. But that's ok, God will make a way. I'm in PA, but I'd be more than happy to find a church where you can go in Topeka (that's what it says under your name), I know I could do it with God's help by calling around.

Whether you've decide to give your heart to Jesus now or not, I will definitely be praying for you. I will always remember being on my knees after I had been delivered from my depression and anxiety, just weeping for joy it was all gone, and weeping cause I knew there was a God. And the most beautiful thing is, you will end up thanking God for all your afflictions, because without them you might not have found him, and known such amazing joy.

truly free · 01-27-2003, 09:40 PM

Psalm 34: 18-19 & 22

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart;
And saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous:
But the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants:
And none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

[This message has been edited by truly free (edited 02-21-2003).]

LaPhips · 01-27-2003, 10:17 PM

God Bless you Truly and you will be in my prayers. I have suffered with depression and anorexia for years. There have been times in my life when I have gone to that knife drawer and actually tried to end it. I have called out to God many times in my life for help and each time he has showed me that he is there and I'm not alone. Just as you are not alone. I hope you start to feel better soon. God Bless, Lisa

angel444 · 01-28-2003, 02:12 AM

Dear CANDEE
first let me tell you that i know what you are going through
My mind terrorises me everyday i suffer from panic and agoraphobia and have done since i was 21 years old i am now 48 years old
it is soooo hard to just stop feeling so scared as your adrenaline gland has been sensitised from the flight and fright experience and it will take a while for it to calm down so you will still experience nerves after any dark nigt of the soul episodes you have been having
its so sad when we have to face everyday in terror and there is no safe place to run for no matter how far or how long we run this horrid disorder follows us
we cant escape and i have great trouble just letting go and giving in to it
im scared and im tired of feeling like this everyday to be told that its just an anxiety disorder .We need answers now before we die wiith this terrible thing hanging over our heads
we deserve to walk in the sunshine and laugh like other people do why is this happening to us?If you want to swap addys let me know
im here if you need to talk as i find thats the greatest healer there is
they say baby steps well thats what im talking ....one step at a time .....meet you at the end of this prison and we can walk together in the sunshine
angel