upshutter17

LOL, you noticed I sorta avoided how I'm doing? LOL. I kinda did. Well, I'm still trying to be positive, that's for sure! It's a challenge sometimes. I can't sleep!! It's already 3:37am, and I am so not tired. Ok, I think I'm going to start complaining before I get panicky, lol. 1) Jobless (I never realized how hard it was to get a job, ANYWHERE). 2) Pennyless (Geez, I need a job). 3) Bi Polar dad that refuses any help...ANYTHING really, Oh boy it's WAY more than a challenge. 4)Am confined to my home!!! (Need to get out of my house). When I do get out of the house, it's for a long time...(Spent Wednesday with my best friend. Left home at 12something pm, got back at around 8:30pm. That was the first in a while). I don't consider going to those dreaded family functions, of family you don't even know who are just so fake...but you'll go because they serve good drinks, don't consider that having fun. Anywho, it was a real interesting day. Except sometimes the thought that if it isn't for her....I would never do fun things. She's the only friend I have. 5) Can't sleep. Oh gosh, I can't sleep!! I lay down, and all it is is toss and turn, and get angry 'cuz I can't sleep, then get panicky, because any real STRONG emotion I get leads to a panic attack (So I have been trying to control my emotions, otherwise they WILL ruin my life....well, if I allow them too). Then I lay scared of having another attack. 6) I keep having the same dream over and over, and it scares me more than anything else in the universe. When I actually get to fall asleep....I have these nightmares. Usually it's of like friends dying, or getting really hurt. Lately in my dream, everything is fine, then all of a sudden I get a panic attack, can't breathe, no one helps me...then I die from my panic attack. Ok, that's REALLY scary!! So I wake up with my heart pounding more than I can explain. I wake up panicky, and worrying. Of course I tell myself that it will not lead to death or a heart attack (Which helps a little, but I just can't shake these dreams). That and my knee is SO killing me!! I have this bone that kinda sticks out from under my knee. I've had it since the 4th grade...but it hurts when I run, and when it gets cold (or when it's in cold weather). I need to get it checked out, but docs never seemed to care about it. My room window is open right now (right in front of me) and my knee/bump, whatever, lol, is starting to hurt. *Sigh* I think I'm done, lol!
Enough about me. You're up ay 4am? Hmm...your son is up?? lol. Wow. I wonder if it is your Paxil doing that to ya. Your neck could be contributing. Why does your husband keep you up....wake you up? .....heh, I just got a flashback. My dad went nuts one night and kept us all awake 'til like 5am, he went psychotic, and tried keeping the neighborhood up 'til then too. What a painful flashback...that was a horrible week! lol. Anyway, take care of yourself.
Not Sure If Any Sanity Remains,
Upshutter

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~I am but one small instrument~
~Smile, you live longer~
Paradigm shift to proactivity saves lives.
A smile will save this world, some of us just don't know that yet.

[This message has been edited by upshutter17 (edited 09-13-2003).]