Something wrong with my daughter?

RCF0006

My daughter has become so challenging to parent that my husband and I are at our wits end. It's not like she was raised any differently than the other two...same rules, same expectations, but unlike our other children, she is extremely challenging and we are beginning to wonder if something is going on with her that we're unaware of . (ODD or ADD?) I have -0- experience with this. She struggles with going to school, feels like she has challenges socially; she's in the 5th grade. We've spoken to her school counselor about this, and the fact that she feels she is bullied for being "small" for her age. She is thin, but eats healthy foods and her physician says her weight is okay though on the lower end for her age. She has a few friends, but swears she doesn't. It's often fight to get her to go to school each morning, she will refuse and run upstairs and get in bed. We've often had to physically remove her from bed just to get her downstairs and dressed. When she comes home she starts complaining about everything. At school she's fine behavior-wise, but she struggles some with her schoolwork, especially math, but has been identified as artistically gifted..loves to draw and write stories. Our main issue is her defiance. She refuses to help with anything around the house unless we physically stand over her and make her do it. Her room is a mess constantly., and even self-care is an issue. I have to force her to take a bath and I care for her hair, or she would never do it, but she complains the entire time and will often grab the brush and throw it or attempt to kick at me. She quite often throws tantrums if she doesn't like what is going on, or isn't getting her way. For example, today's tantrum started when she felt she didn't have anything "comfortable" to wear outside. She has major issues with clothing and can't stand seams, which is some of the problem with getting her to school, and she would try on several things and throw them down on the floor, crying, saying they bothered her. (She's almost 11.) I remained calm, and helped her find a dress, but the waist bothered her. I felt my irritation growing, so I walked outside to remain calm and avoid yelling, which I am always tempted to do when she is acting what I think is irrationally, and she tried to follow me outside naked. She put clothing on so she could come outside, where she repeated over and over "Feel of these shorts!" "They're so uncomfortable." All the while crying.... I came back inside...trying to rationalize with her the whole time, and I suppose she felt she wasn't A. getting enough of a rise out of me.. or B. not being heard, so she walked along the counter in our kitchen and started systematically knocking things off. Once she threw nearly the entire contents of our bookshelf into the foyer. She was made to pick it up, but it took two days of crying and fighting to get it done. This is typical behavior, and no matter how much we take away from her as far as privileges..and we do, nothing matters. If we ask her to go to her room, she'll sit on the stairs and refuse. We've had to physically carry her to her room, but then she'll come out, over and over, whereas we have to take her back in over and over. She will scream, fight, kick , throw things and is extremely disrespectful. We honestly just want to cry sometimes in dealing with her. ( I have cried.) My husband and I talk about this constantly; she's become the focus of every conversation we have, and our other children have to see this too. She's is so disruptive at times and so disrespectful that she is honestly becoming an unlikable child. Her brothers rarely want anything to do with her, and I understand why, but it's sad. How can she be so nice at school and act like a monster at home?