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Old 02-24-2004, 05:18 PM   #1
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Should I tell my son

Heres the quick version of the story. 8yrs ago I had a one night stand w/co-worker and got pregnant. He didn't want anything to do with the baby so he left the state and moved to California. When my son was 6weeks old I got back together w/an ex boyfriend and then married him. My son calls him dad and when we go divorced 3 1/2 yrs ago he stayed in my sons life (we also have a daughter together) he never treats the kids different he says my son is as much his as our daughter is. The thing is the biological dad now wants his son to know about him he has always paid child support but just wasnn't ready to be a dad and now he is although he still lives in California. I let him see my son at Christmas and now he is back in ohio and wants to bring him a birthday present. He wants to tell our son and my ex-husband believes that our son deserves the right to know. Is is to young? Will it shatter him and make him questions is parents trust? Or do you think that at 8 he will accept it? (My son does say that "Mike" his biological dad is a nice guy so he does like him) Can anyone give me any suggestions?

 
Old 02-24-2004, 06:27 PM   #2
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Re: Should I tell my son

personally, I think the younger the better. He is still at an age where you can deal with his emotions. As they get older they find other ways to express their feelings (drugs, drinking, picking friends above family, etc.)
At 8 yrs old, you are still the light of his life and will most likely be able to talk openly about it with you.

I have a friend whos 15 yr old just found out that his father he has known his whole life isn't really his BIO father. Because of health reasons they had to tell him....and it has really thrown him off.

Good luck. take care
Lindy

 
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Old 02-24-2004, 07:11 PM   #3
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Re: Should I tell my son

You are right that my son thinks I'm the light of his life, we are so close especially since the divorce. My son now knows that I have 2 dads and that his counsin has 2 dads and I told him were lucky because of this and he agreed. I am just so scared that when I tell him that his BIO dad will want to me around for a short time and then take off and leave and never see him. My dad did that and it hurt and I don't want my son to go through that. His BIO dad is coming to visit on Wed. this week should we tell him together or should I do this by myself and let him comprehend the fact and then they can talk about it when he comes over? I'm so scared of hurting my son if anyone has ever been in this situation I would love to read how it turned out or if anyone has any other suggestions I would appreciate the help . Thank You

 
Old 02-25-2004, 06:17 AM   #4
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Re: Should I tell my son

I have 3 children the oldest who is 5 has a different father but he decided that when she was about 2 that he really didnt want the responsibility and didnt want to pay child support so he signed of his parental rights and my husband adopted her.We will tell her when she gets older we havent really decided on an age but we will wait until she can fully understand it.I have seperete photo albums for all my children and in hers there are pictures of her bio dad holding her at the hospital this is not going to be something that we keep from her.Now for another story lol When my brother was 19 and I was 16 he was told that he had a different father that my moms husand my dad wasnt his. He was crushed and now has very little to do with my mom or my dad and although he knows who his bio dad is and he doesnt live very far from where my brother lives now he wants nothing to do with him either. My brother has more or less just abandoned the whole family as he feels every one betrayed him. I didnt find out about it until about 6 months after he already knew so he doesnt hold it against me and still talks to me and visits. Basiclly what I'm saying here is if you wait to long things could be really bad although that's not always the case I feel your son as well as anyone with a different parent has the right to know not only to know who they really are but it also might be necessary for medical reasons
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Old 02-25-2004, 10:33 AM   #5
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

Hello, Your a great mom, you have a close relationship with your son and he is lucky to have a wonderful step father...May I suggest that he hear it from YOU before the BIO father steps into his life...Talk to him and explain what you can and what you think he is capable of understanding. Kids are alot smarter then we parents give them credit...When your done talking to him ask him if he has any questions and ask him how "he" feels about what you have told him...Also ASK HIM if HE IS READY to see his BIO dad...Let him express himself and if he says he's confused or "I don't Know" regarding seeing his BIO tell him it's ok...You are not the one to blame for this nor are you the one who will hurt your son...That's your ex's fault not yours...Your son needs to know how much you love him and how wonderful his DAD who raised him loves him.
YOUR ex needs to wait for Your son's decision on when the right time is to see him.
When your son gets over the inital shock let him make the decision and tell him it's is..
That's all you can do for him...JUST continue to ask you son about HIS feelings not what your ex-bio is thinking...Also, you son may feel he's not being true to the dad who raised him and that you can also address with him. He will be OK if you are there for him and allow him to express whatever feelings he has..
Hope this helps and Best of luck to you and your son...May it all work out for the best.
Your son & his step dad should come first.
Keep us posted.

 
Old 02-25-2004, 12:38 PM   #6
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

I totally agree with the last poster. You should tell him alone...just you and him. Let him get it out, tell him how much you love him and tell him you know how this feels.
Don't degrade anyone, don't tell him that his dad may one day walk back out of his life....cross that bridge IF you ever get to it. Right now, he needs YOU..and to know no matter what he feels, says or does...YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM.

take care.
Lindy

 
Old 02-25-2004, 01:47 PM   #7
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Re: Should I tell my son

Quote:
Originally Posted by momof3mjt
personally, I think the younger the better. He is still at an age where you can deal with his emotions. As they get older they find other ways to express their feelings (drugs, drinking, picking friends above family, etc.)
At 8 yrs old, you are still the light of his life and will most likely be able to talk openly about it with you.

I have a friend whos 15 yr old just found out that his father he has known his whole life isn't really his BIO father. Because of health reasons they had to tell him....and it has really thrown him off.

Good luck. take care
Lindy

I agree you are best to tell him around this age. If you tell him latter he may be mad at you on why you werent honest.

 
Old 02-25-2004, 07:14 PM   #8
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

I found out when I was 7 that I was adopted by my dad. My bio father signed the papers for my dad to adopt me and never saw me again. When my dad told me, he told me that I was very special to him because he chose to adopt me. I would have to say it would be easier coming from you alone or you and his dad ( not bio father ).

You might also want to talk to the bio father and let him know that you will not stand for him to come in and out of this child's life as he pleases.

Good Luck.

 
Old 02-28-2004, 09:08 PM   #9
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

yes he should know the truth...heres my story
my step dad was the one who i knew as daddy from the time i was only 3 months old, then one day when i was 9 my mom told me that he wasnt my bio dad and she told me the whole story about my bio dad and his family, i was a little upset but life went on and i still called my step dad "daddy" but finally when i was 17 curiosity took over and i got in touch with my bio father, he is a part of my life now, but i have more contcact with my step father, who tells me he loves me nearly everytime we talk in person or on the phone and i still call him dad, while i only call my bio father by his first name.
i think it is unfair that his bio father decided (at his convience) that he is ready to be a part of your sons life, if i were you i would let your son make all the decisions...whether or not he wants to meet him or anything but i definatly think he should know...and whoever said the sooner the better.....they are exactly right, if my mom would have waited i would have been mad at her for it, but since i was only nine i took it very well and had time to accept it. if and when you do tell him i can tell you from experience it will be very emotional, i cried and my mom cried and we just sat on her bed and talked for hours, and if you do tell him do it just one on one with him so he will be confortable...good luck with your decision.

Last edited by ~Winnie~; 02-28-2004 at 09:12 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2004, 10:02 PM   #10
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

I want to update everybody and also thanks for all your advice. Well my sons biological dad never called or showed up on the day he was supposed to and it has been a few days and he still hasn't called to even explain why. He actually owes me no explanation, I should have expected it. I was ready to change my sons whole world because this man wanted to be part of his life. I know I still need to tell him but now I don't feel rushed and I will probably do it this summer when things aren't so hectic. I go to college and work fulltime and at least in the summer we will both be out of school. I keep kicking myself in the a** because I told my son that Mike "bio dad" was going to come over and that he bought him a birthday present. As far as my son knows mike is my friend from california. I wish I would have never told him about the visit or present but at least I didn't go as far as the dad thing. If Mike calls I will not give him another chance he didn't deserve the first chance initially. I have decided that his feelings on the matter does not concern me, I know my son and he doesn't, so his views on how to handle the situation don't matter and I will decide when I will tell my son. I will not let this man come in and out of his life when he feels like it. By the way he told me awhile ago that it was my fault that he did not participate, he said when Dylan was born that I told him that either your a full time father or not one at all and that is why he left. Actually I still stand behind that statement 100%. Sorry so long he just makes me so angry

 
Old 02-29-2004, 09:04 PM   #11
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

i agree, every child deserves a full time father,not one that blows into the picture as he pleases. what a wonderful mother you must be. i think you are right to wait till summer so you can be together with your son more...and again good luck.

 
Old 02-29-2004, 09:36 PM   #12
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Re: Should I tell my son-Moved to Parenting Issues

Just wanted to say BRAVO to you!! We have been in the same situation and it did not turn out so well in some respects. My ex and I got divorced when my oldest was 10 months old. He had nothing to do with her until she was almost 6. He did not come around once during that time so I assumed I would get married to someone else and HE would be her father. I married a wonderful man only to have X try to come back into the picture a few months later. I was adopted by my dad when I was 5 and never saw my bio father. I would have dreams of what my bio dad was like when things werent going so well with my dad. I didnt want this for my daughter so I called X and let him see her.

To make a long story short, all he did was hurt her. It was only important to him that she was HIS. It didnt matter to him how she was, what was going on in her life, or how she felt. She is almost 12 now and decided not to see him anymore. I guess sometimes we know the adults in the situation and need to protect our kids from getting hurt by them. It amazes me how someone could put their own wants above those of a child but there are people out there like that.

I wish you the best of luck with your family and good luck in telling him. The biggest thing that helped my daughter was realizing that her dad, my current DH, CHOSE to be with her and love her. That meant so much more to her than knowing someone was in her life because they HAD to be.
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