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Old 02-25-2004, 09:27 PM   #1
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nephew being harassed by bully

im not sure if where to post this, im just looking for advice for my sister. Her son whos 7 yrs old was bullyed by a bigger kid, he said he held him in the bathroom all thru recess while holding is arms behind his back and kicking him, he was crying and yelling for help, but the other kids were to afraid to say anything. he didnt tell anyone until another kid told his brother about it and forced it out of him to tell his dad. i guess tomorrow they will talk with the school about it and what to do, im just heartbroken hearing this about my little nephew, hes a very nice quiet kid who dosnt bother anyone, when i hear this going on with him makes me want to yell at the other kid, i know thats wrong, but thats what i feel. what steps can i do or advice my sister on on how to handle situations like this? i know this is just the begining and he will face other bullys again, but what precautions should she teach him? thanks for reading, i just want my nephew to be alright.
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Old 02-26-2004, 03:08 AM   #2
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

The school needs to be told of what is going on asap...how they handle it is another thing. Some schools consider bulling more serious than others. Just make sure his parents push the school untill they get results. It is the schools responsibitily to keep him safe while he is there. the bully needs to be punished (if he can't behave himself durring recess than recess needs to be taken away from him) and put into couseling to help him stop, he's not acting like that for no reason, so the reason needs to be found and fixed,simply punishing him won't work, there is a reason behind what he is doing. And your nephew needs to be talked to, figure out how long it's been going on and if there is any phsycological damage done. Also, if the school is uncooperative when it comes to stoping the bully than legal action may need to be taken, like i said before it's there responsibility to ensure he is safe durring school hours, if they cannot or willnot provide a safe environment for him (and the other children at the school) than they need to suffer the consequenses to that. It probably won't come down to that, schools are becoming very helpful when it comes to situations like that, the old attitudes of boys will be boys is fading, thankfully.

 
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Old 03-02-2004, 07:46 AM   #3
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Arghhhh I hate things like this. I remember back when I was at school and subjected to a bit of bullying (obviously it was jealousy because I was such a doll ). I swore however, that once I had my own kids I'd never let them tolerate what I once had to.

I found the easiest solution was this. Single out the person who has harmed or intimidated the child the most and drag it to it's mother in front of your kid. Tell the mother in front of her child that everything that this child does to yours in the future you will personally do to them and the kid.

It's rough, it's probably not the right way, but we don't live in 1971 anymore and happy endings just don't occur. Besides, my kids really think I'm the bomb, plus they're happy and they are the only ones I care about.

 
Old 03-08-2004, 12:45 PM   #4
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Hello, There are anti-bullying sites on the web for victims, so you may want to search the net for that. When bullying gets to to point of physical contact, it becomes important for the parents to step in. After all if they were adults instead of children, the act would be considered an asault and battery. The parents need to go through the chain of command and question exactly what will be done to prevent this from happening again. Also, where are the teachers and staff during this time? Aren't the bathrooms or halls monitored?
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Old 03-09-2004, 04:18 AM   #5
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Younglife,
I recently went through a bully problem with my 7 yr old daughter and Orion posted something that was very helpful to me:

#1
Bullies are pervasive in our society. They all use the same technique of fear to attempt to control their situation.

Recent studies about bullies show some interesting things.

1. Bullies are not liked but they are respected and given the highest social status.

2. Victims are not liked and given the lowest social class.

3. The rest of the people tend to avoid both the bully and the victims, mostly to prevent themselves from becoming targets.

4. A bully operates by isolating a few people to be victims and keeps everyone else in control by the fear that they might be next.

5. Bullies fear losing their social standing.

6. The ONLY way to beat a bully is to confront them directly. Normally this requires enlisting the help of authorities or friends. Only by a concerted effort can a bully be defeated. Many times this fails because others won't stand up for what is right due to fear.

In a school, you need to see the administrators and insist they begin an anti-bullying program. Of course you might find some of those administrators are bullies themselves that bully teachers or parents. If you find an unsympathetic school, it's time to change schools.


#2

Nice people think: "This person is picking on me because I have done something wrong. I mean why else would someone intentionally hurt me?" Because they think this way, they try all kinds of ways to make up for the supposed "wrong". Unfortunately, befriending a bully simple asks for more. The cycle repeats itself over and over. Each time the bully gains power and the victim feels less and less sure of themselves. Eventually, the victim comes to think they are permanently at fault. Such thinking can influence their entire lives.

Of course bullies are famous for making their parents believe they are a victim, so it takes a bit of sorting out to see who is the real bully. At the very least your child needs to know that some people simply enjoy hurting others. It has nothing to do with the victim except that the victim is perceived to be an easy target.....partly because of this "it's all my fault" thinking and partly because they don't have strong friends to stand up for them.

Every child needs to be given the "whateva" factor. That is the ability to ignore rude and nasty behavior by simply dismissing it with "whateva" and thus deflect such behavior before it enters their mind as valid.

 
Old 03-09-2004, 04:19 AM   #6
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

It always surprises me how much time these kids have unchaperoned at school!

 
Old 03-09-2004, 06:01 AM   #7
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

When my kids were smaller and had a few problems (normal ones I suppose looking back) I'd go in to the school to do it what I considered, the right way. I then was given lectures about how sympathetic I should be towards the bully because (unbeknown) to me this child had a difficult home life etc etc. I often found that teachers were forewarned about problem children and we were all encouraged to treat the bully with understanding and sympathy....BULL!!!! I started screaming "what about MY child?!?!?!". In the end I realized that I couldn't take it through normal channels, i.e. tell the school, lodge a complaint, talk to a half reasonable/decent parent...so the key is this...whatever makes your child feel safe and secure, DO IT! I'm sure that there will be parents/teachers who will advise against what I am saying, but in all truthfulness, one look at despair on my own kids faces is enough to make me want to do something pretty drastic. All too often you hear today about children/adolscents harming themselves because of either exam or bully pressure and I refuse to allow my children to become a statistic. Sometimes it really is a case of THEM or US....so be a PARENT and protect your kids by whatever means necessary.

 
Old 03-10-2004, 05:45 AM   #8
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

We talked with the teacher and things worked out great. The teacher kept the bully away from my child.

MadSkillzgal,
Since your school was so unhelpful, what did you do to get action? Was it the screaming that helped or did you do something else? I decided long ago that if the school didn't protect my children then I'd put my kids in a private school. Not all private schools will be good though. I have been talking with another parent about bully problems in a Catholic school. The school bullies parents into removing their "problem" children so that they don't have to deal with it. How Christian!!!

Terry

 
Old 03-10-2004, 08:58 AM   #9
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

I was basically told the same thing. It appeared no one was listening and the school merely pointed out my "options" if i wasn't happy with the school. Other than this horrible child my kid was a very happy child.

The way I dealt with it was basically to become a bully mum. I made no bones about it with other parents that if they refused to take responsibility for their child's violent actions then I could not help my violent reactions. The choice was plain and simple. Tell your kid to behave itself or whatever injury my child comes home with tonight, you will be going home with tomorrow.

Not the best way of dealing with it I'm sure, but it was effective. At the end of the day this is the world we live in and sometimes you just have to do the best you can under the circumstances.

 
Old 03-10-2004, 09:05 AM   #10
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadSkillzGal
I was basically told the same thing. It appeared no one was listening and the school merely pointed out my "options" if i wasn't happy with the school. Other than this horrible child my kid was a very happy child.

The way I dealt with it was basically to become a bully mum. I made no bones about it with other parents that if they refused to take responsibility for their child's violent actions then I could not help my violent reactions. The choice was plain and simple. Tell your kid to behave itself or whatever injury my child comes home with tonight, you will be going home with tomorrow.

Not the best way of dealing with it I'm sure, but it was effective. At the end of the day this is the world we live in and sometimes you just have to do the best you can under the circumstances.
I don't mean to be rude at all, please accept what I am saying with an open mind.

I grew up in a home with a dad with an attitude like yours. I was picked on by the other kids. My dad would confront the other parents. It made it worse for me. At that point I was still being picked on but now had no one to tell. If I told my parents then they would make it worse.

I wanted my parents to set an example. Luckily, I realize that the example my parents were setting was not the right one. I know how frustrating it can be and we all want to protect our children, but if we present using violence as a way to prevent violence, then what message are we conveying to our children?

Unfortunatley, the only way to really combat bullying is for the child to learn to find someway to communicate with the one that is bullying them. The problem only escalates, othewise as you are giving the bully power by validating it.

 
Old 03-10-2004, 09:17 AM   #11
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Quote:
Originally Posted by TerryB
It always surprises me how much time these kids have unchaperoned at school!

When there are budget cuts across the board, there is no way that they can be adults at all times with the children. When the taxpayer decide that educaiton is more important that keeping up with the Jones', gas guzzling SVU's and home repair projects, then we may get better supervision for our children.

Right now you have 40 to 45 kids per classroom. There is one or two yard duty teachers. This is the only time that a teacher can take a break to use the restroom. Aides were cut with the budget cuts.

School is there to teach the kids to be self sufficient. When they get out into the world they are going to need to be able to fend for themselves. This is a tough way to go, but that is the way that it is.

There is just no way that all kids can be supervised at all times.

As a parent I realized that I had to work on self esteem issues at home and take care of things in my own back yard. Sure, there are kids out there who come from bad homes or have behavioral issues, but if you show them compassion and get past those barriers that they have, those kids make the best friends that a kid can have. They are just looking for understanding. They were never given the tools to go about making friends. I am not excusing their behavior, bullies are bullies, but you only know what you know and if these kids have never been taught differently, just labeled as a bully, then how can they ever dig themselves out?

My daughter used to come home everyday and say, mom the kids are picking on me. I was not aware then of the correct way to handle it as all that I knew was what my dad had set as an example. He had gone to the parents and threatened them. I knew that was not the way, it only got me beat up more. I told her to say, obviously you must be suffering from low self esteem, otherwise you would not feel the need to insult other people. Looking back, what a silly person I was. My daughter was beat up again and again. I am sure now that they didn't even know what she was saying.

You can't run from the bullies. The parents can't fight them. If the kid tells then the teacher has a talk with everone involved and it only gets worse. The kid has to learn to deal with it on his own. With a lot of support at home and a lot of self esteem building and educating the kid on bullies and what to expect, the problem can be, not solved, but lessened. This has been my experience.

 
Old 03-10-2004, 10:49 AM   #12
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Quote:
Originally Posted by moonlight
When there are budget cuts across the board, there is no way that they can be adults at all times with the children. When the taxpayer decide that educaiton is more important that keeping up with the Jones', gas guzzling SVU's and home repair projects, then we may get better supervision for our children.


School is there to teach the kids to be self sufficient. When they get out into the world they are going to need to be able to fend for themselves. This is a tough way to go, but that is the way that it is.

There is just no way that all kids can be supervised at all times. .


I agree totally about the taxpayer attitude. I have always been happy to pay my taxes even before I had children. It is an investment in society that benefits all. But, if the rest of my communtiy doesn't have the same attitude then it will be private school for us.

I don't think that the bullying experience makes most kids self-sufficient. The ones that are smart enough to avoid the bully probably do learn something but there a children that are totally ruined by bullying. I have 2 sibblings the fit that description. I wouldn't want my head flushed in the toilet at work so why should I ask my kids to have to put up with that. I would never take a job with that kind of environment.

If my kids are not supervised at all times at school they will not stay in the school. Gangs of boys are not allowed to be in the bathroom together at our school. It is just asking for trouble. I won't accept it. I know that I am fortunate to have a good public school system but I am prepared to handle school privately if they let me down. The school can't monitor children's remarks well but that I can train my daughters to deal with.

I hope that I haven't offended anyone. I just won't tolerate injustice. My kids know that they are worth protecting.

Terry

 
Old 03-10-2004, 12:22 PM   #13
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Quote:
Originally Posted by TerryB
I agree totally about the taxpayer attitude. I have always been happy to pay my taxes even before I had children. It is an investment in society that benefits all. But, if the rest of my communtiy doesn't have the same attitude then it will be private school for us.

I don't think that the bullying experience makes most kids self-sufficient. The ones that are smart enough to avoid the bully probably do learn something but there a children that are totally ruined by bullying. I have 2 sibblings the fit that description. I wouldn't want my head flushed in the toilet at work so why should I ask my kids to have to put up with that. I would never take a job with that kind of environment.

If my kids are not supervised at all times at school they will not stay in the school. Gangs of boys are not allowed to be in the bathroom together at our school. It is just asking for trouble. I won't accept it. I know that I am fortunate to have a good public school system but I am prepared to handle school privately if they let me down. The school can't monitor children's remarks well but that I can train my daughters to deal with.

I hope that I haven't offended anyone. I just won't tolerate injustice. My kids know that they are worth protecting.

Terry

You really are more fortunate than you know. Most public school systems are just treading water at this point. At the schools here, two kids have to go at once for safety reasons during class and no one monitors who does what on recess.

As for children being hurt by bullying, I agree. My daughter tells me that she used to lie awake at night and fantisize about what she wanted to do to the kids who teased her. She didn't tell me this until after Columbine. I asked her why we had never discussed it before and her response floored me. She said that she didn't want me getting involved and possibley ending up in jail.

I know that it is a harsh statement to make, but it really is "the survival of the fittest" out there. Always has been an always will be. We just have to be concerned parents and try to provide our children with all of the tools that they need to learn to survive without enabling them or setting bad example. Kids really do learn by example. Violence begets violence.

You sound like a good parent. At least you are involved and know what is going on in the school who you entrust your kids to.

I would not want my head flushed in the toilet either. Kids do things that are wrong. School is a learning environment both academically as well as socially.

 
Old 03-11-2004, 04:09 AM   #14
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Unfortunatley, the only way to really combat bullying is for the child to learn to find someway to communicate with the one that is bullying them. The problem only escalates, othewise as you are giving the bully power by validating it.[/QUOTE]
________________________________________ _____________________

I took all you said on board with hopefully an open mind and yes to a degree I'll agree with what you said. I said it probably wasn't the right approach but it was the one that worked for MY kids. Bottom line.

I think the kind of communication you are talking about is totally appropriate when confronting things like teasing. I'm talking about PHYSICAL. One child fractured my child's hand. How can a child begin to communicate with another child during or after that?

Now if an adult had done that to my child they would either be dead (because I killed them) or prosecuted by the law. Often these children are too young to be prosecuted.

You would NOT sit back and accept an adult assaulting your child, so why accept and play nice if it is another child doing it? I refuse to. Sorry.

I no longer play nice. If my child ever ever came home with another injury like that again, the person who did it (man, woman or child) would be returning home that night in a wooden box.

Parents should NOT be ashamed to protect their kids from ANYONE. It's our job. If you don't keep your child from harm, you're no good as a parent anyway.

 
Old 03-11-2004, 07:50 AM   #15
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Re: nephew being harassed by bully

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadSkillzGal
Unfortunatley, the only way to really combat bullying is for the child to learn to find someway to communicate with the one that is bullying them. The problem only escalates, othewise as you are giving the bully power by validating it.
________________________________________ _____________________

I took all you said on board with hopefully an open mind and yes to a degree I'll agree with what you said. I said it probably wasn't the right approach but it was the one that worked for MY kids. Bottom line.

I think the kind of communication you are talking about is totally appropriate when confronting things like teasing. I'm talking about PHYSICAL. One child fractured my child's hand. How can a child begin to communicate with another child during or after that?

Now if an adult had done that to my child they would either be dead (because I killed them) or prosecuted by the law. Often these children are too young to be prosecuted.

You would NOT sit back and accept an adult assaulting your child, so why accept and play nice if it is another child doing it? I refuse to. Sorry.

I no longer play nice. If my child ever ever came home with another injury like that again, the person who did it (man, woman or child) would be returning home that night in a wooden box.

Parents should NOT be ashamed to protect their kids from ANYONE. It's our job. If you don't keep your child from harm, you're no good as a parent anyway.[/QUOTE]


Again, I can't change anyone's mind about this as it is a mind set, but if you chose to teach your children values by setting an example then setting an example of violence will only lead to more violence.

Protecting our children is our job, granted. But we are not always going to be there to do so. There are more constructive ways to teach them them to protect themselves. If you threaten to beat up the parents or teach the kids that the only way to protect themselves through further violence, what are you teaching the child?

First of all, as I stated in an earlier post, if you threaten the parents, and those parents don't have a good handle on how they teach their children, then those parents are going to convey that to their children and that makes their children hate your child even more. They are going to get some friends together and make the bullying even worse, perhaps even calling your child a momma's boy/girl. I can't see where that is going to help at all. If your child finds out that you threatened their parents then, #1, they are not going to tell you if it happens again because; they are afraid of the repercussions of you possibley going to jail, or the kids making it worse for them.

If another child is physically attacking my child the first thing that I would do it have a sit down where my child tells the other child how it made them feel. This is the approach that they take at the school near us. We have in place an excellent program for violence in the school. Kids work things out. If a child is suspended for violence they usually have to undergo some kind of counselling. If it continues there is alternatve ed programs and anger management.

As for everyday scuffles, kids have not learned anger management skills yet and kids do fight. It is usually not as bad as parents make it out to be.

To say that a person would go home in a box for harming a child is quite a harsh statement. There is law enforcement for violence.

I can say from experience that violence only escalates when parents become involved in the situation no matter how well intentioned they are. And, there is usually two sides to a story. No kid is innocent.

As I stated, I can't change your mind set. If you chose to let your children believe that the way to solve a phycially violent situation with violence that is your choice. I just feel that there are much better ways of handling it.

 
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