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Old 04-03-2004, 10:41 AM   #1
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Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

Once again, my 12 year old is having issues. We had parent teacher conferences and found out things are not looking good. She has been moved around the room 6 times since January for talking and passing notes. She doesn't really have any friends since she only wants to be friends with the popular people but they are rejecting her. 4 of her grades have dropped from "B' to "C". The teacher told us that he doesn't know what to do with her anymore. He said that her grades were in no way a reflection on how smart she is. He grades dropping are from 11 ZERO'S since January!! They are supposed to be studying for an hour after they get home, I didn't find out about it until the PT conference. They were out of school on Friday, a note was sent home about it on Tuesday, but I didnt find out about it until Thursday evening.

The teacher wants us to shadow her by surprising her at school. Just sitting in the classroom and putting her in check. I have already had a talk with her and told her that we are the parents and she is the child so she no longer gets a say in her raising. She talks back and argues constantly so I think the problem is that she has had too MUCH freedom of speech for her age.

Has anyone else gone through this? Got any tips for this? She isnt a behavior problem in the traditional sense. She isnt that defiant when it comes to behavior. She just whines and argues her way out of things... At least she did. TIA
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Old 04-03-2004, 02:58 PM   #2
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

well i know when i was youger and got caught passing notes my teacher would drag the desk up right beside hers so you are far enough away from the other students so there is no note passing or talking.
And about the grade drop...i would seriously cut out the "fun" stuff in her life till they came up....if there is homework to be done or a test to study for then make her get off the phone or internet (if that is her thing, i know it was mine lol) and do it....then not be aloud back on till you checked it and it was good.
and to make sure she is doing what she is suppost to be keep weekly checks on her with the teacher.... if she has any zeros then ground her for about 3 days or so from anything and everything she enjoys (when my parents took my phone away from me i would throw a major fit but i gotta say it was the only way they could get through to me) they has to be something she really likes that you can taka away till things improve.....good luck

 
Old 04-03-2004, 08:25 PM   #3
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

I think Winnie gave great advice! If your daughter is forced to sit in front of the class next to the teacher's desk, most likely she'll be uncomfortable and the improper behavior should stop. Taking away the fun things in her life should help too. She doesn't seem to have any respect for her elders. As far as being popular having so much importance for your daughter, have you talked to her about that? It seems like if her grades are dropping so much, if it's due to her focusing so much on passing notes and trying to be friends with the popular kids, maybe she needs more self esteem? It's got to be hard for her to not have any friends. Once the problem of her passing notes in class is taken care of and once her grades improve, maybe she can join some kind of youth group or after school activity where she can make friends with similar interests. Good luck!

 
Old 04-03-2004, 10:13 PM   #4
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

Thank you both so much. DH and I have started being a united front and the whining seems to be slowing down. I used to give in anytime she whined just about. We also talked about control. She thinks she has no control now that we are not letting things fly. We are cracking down on the back talking and such. I told her that she is the one IN control! She has the abillity to stop all of this by just behaving. We have also talked about counseling for her.

My mom has agreed to take the little one's every once in a while so that I can spend some alone time with her. I told her that her life will get worse until she decides to act better. I told her how much we love her but that this has to stop.

She has also been told that she has 2 months to pull her grades up. If she has anything below a B at the end of the year or if we see that her behavior towards school is still the same, she will lose her summer. I will get homeschool materials and we will work on them throughout the summer. She can use the school year or lose the summer. It's up to her.

We are going to talk to the teacher about the weekly checks that way we know what is going on all of the time. Thanks again
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Old 04-05-2004, 11:20 AM   #5
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

mommyof4 i think the summer thing is a great idea...i bet you have scared her enough to make her realize you are not messin around anymore which is exactly what she needed. well goodluck i hope things begin to improve!

 
Old 04-05-2004, 12:55 PM   #6
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

All I can tell you is that I have been where she is myself, when I was her age. I didn't exactly care to be popular - but it deffinitely wasn't nice getting made fun of all the time b/c I didn't have the right clothes, shoes, house, $$... you name it. It's hard when you don't fit in, it's hard when ppl make fun of you, it's hard when you are not what everyone else whats you to be. I used to try so hard to please ppl - but when I started my Sr year I realized that was not making me happy. I was always afraid of what ppl would think of me, so much so that I didn't worry about what I thought of myself. One thing she is gonna have to realize & she is gonna have to realize this ON HER OWN - is that popularity is not everything & it's not going to get you anywhere once you've graduated. Life, the big picture, is not about popularity - it's about getting a job that you are happy with, it's about meeting & having the ppl in your life that you WANT, it's about making something of yourself & having things to show for it. She woud be a better person if she could just realize that those "popular people" are no better then she is & she shouldn't feel the need to change herserlf to be their friends. All they are gonna do anyway is bring her down. Unfortunatley, I am not sure this is something you can do for her... she has to do it for herself & most kids her age are probably not gonna understand till they have gone thru it & learned from it.

I am 21 now, I have a 2.5 year old daughter, I was PG my Sr year & terrified that ppl were gonn a make fun of me... but when they finally found out at our prom - they all seemed happy for me. Why? I couldn't tell you - I mean these were ppl that used to make fun of me! But, maybe they were starting to realize the same things I was. If there is anything I can say about school it's that it deffinitely was a learning experience in many, many ways - not just education wise. It helped open my eyes to a lot of things. Hopefully she can see all this stuff before it's too late. Good luck!

 
Old 04-06-2004, 05:37 AM   #7
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

Does she have friends at all? I think it's very important that she knows that under no circumstances will her behaviour be tolerated. But at the same time you need to figure out why she is acting like that. Does she have any friends? The fact that she's letting everything in her life right now go down the drain to try and fit in is a pretty good indication that something is going on. What about putting her in some kind of group? whether it's something through church if you go, a youth center anything she is interested in, somewhere she could make friends outside of school? Maybe if she had friends outside of school than she wouldn't feel such a strong need to fit in with the cool kids. Talk to her and try to let her know that being cool doesn't matter, in 10 years it won't matter at all, she probably won't even remember most of the girls names. The grades need to be addressed but so does the reasons why she's letting them drop.

 
Old 04-07-2004, 03:23 PM   #8
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Re: Nothing matters but being popular!!URGH

Thanks so much. It really helps to hear how things were for some of you in school and how you changed and grew through it. I remember my parents trying to stuff their knowledge into my head. I remember them trying to share their experiences with me. I didn't get it at the time because I knew more than they did!!LOL I think I am pretty cool but she knows better I guess

There is a local theater here that is offering classes and they do a performance. They are doing a summer academy which she really want's to get into. I am going to let her do it provided her grades come up. I think I am going to do a little more letting her find her own way.

She has been better about the back talking and has been doing her homework this week. Let's hope this lasts. Thanks again
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