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Old 04-07-2004, 08:22 PM   #1
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As a parent/ If you were a parent...

As a parent/ if you were a parent....
What solutions would you come up with if your son/daughter were to come up to you with the following problems....?

1. What if he/she was at a party and the person who was supposed to drive him/her home was drunk?
2. What if several of his/her friends had joined a gang and were trying to get him/her to join?
3. What if he/she was abusing drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, etc.)?
4. What if he/she was so depressed that he/she hurt him/herself? (Cutting skin, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders).
5. What if someone you trusted (ex: priest) and respected was abusing him/her?
6. What if he/she was dating someone much older than he/she is?
7. What if he/she was dating someone from a different culture, religion, or gender than you expected?
8. What if you found out he/she was sexually active?
9. What if he/she was pregnant or impregnated someone?
10. What he/she I thought that he/she had contracted STD (sexually transmitted disease)?
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Old 04-08-2004, 02:28 AM   #2
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

i have 2 girls 17 months and 6 months

1) i would make sure they had $20 in their purse that they could not spend on anything but a cab and let them know the horrors of drunk driving. i wonder if cab companies have like a gift card thing thats something to look into. as a teenager i would defanatly rather get in a car with a driver who was drunk then call my mom. espically if i was drunk but even if i wasnt.

2)send her to military school.

3)i would try to get her help. for cigerettes id get thoes pathes or gum or make her take classes. as for pot i would let her know it was unacceptable but other then that i really dont know. as for more serious drugs i would put her in rehab. even if she just tryed it once it would make her think before doing it again.

4)i would commit her. i have lost too may friends to depression who could have been easily helped if someone cared enough to help. even if i am the bad guy i would rather have her alive and mad at me then dead. depression is a disease, if you have a disease you go to the doctor. if it is so bad that you can die from it you go to the hospital until you are better.

5)if someone i trusted was abusing her i would put her in a situation where i could see but they didnt know i could see and as soon as they touched her BANG id kill them and wouldnt go to jail because its out of self defence they are hurting my baby.

6)i would tell her that i had to meet him and spend a few hous with him. if he couldnt do that then i would say she wasnt allowed to see him anymore.

7) i would be completly open mined to anyone she dated as long as he/she treated her with respect.

8) its going to happen some day. she cant stay a virgin forever. id take her to the gyno and get her on birth control and made sure she had condoms. not much else you can do

9) if she got pregnet i would be suportive because that is a time where a child needs suport. i would not let her get an abortion and if i was in a place finacially i woudl help her raise it but if not i would help her out as much as possible with addoption agencies. but the most important thing is that she knows she has a sholder to cry on

10) id take her to be tested then go from there. if she got something un cureable like aids or herpies, yelling and grounding isnt going to chnge anything and she will need a strong suport system as her friends and boyfriends fade. i would let every guy who comes into the house know about her condition as to not spread it further.

 
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Old 04-08-2004, 04:06 AM   #3
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

1. What if he/she was at a party and the person who was supposed to drive him/her home was drunk?

Cab money is always a good idea, but who knows if they will save it for a cab ride, gift cards if possible to a cab company would be great if they exist. I would let him/her know that they can always call me for a ride home, no strings attached, no lecures, because if you do they will never call again and they may get into a car with someone that is drunk.

2. What if several of his/her friends had joined a gang and were trying to get him/her to join?

ground him/her for life? lol. that's a hard one, the desire to fit in as a teenage is a strong one. I would talk to him her about the dangers of that lifestyle, about how it can impact the future. Also, some area's have programes through the police dept that shows the kids the real dangers of the gang lifestyle that would be something to look into

3. What if he/she was abusing drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, etc.)?

I'm not quite sure how you can stop that you can't watch them 24 hours a day. I would tell them again how dangerous it is, how hard it is to stop and i would help them to figure out why they feel the need to do it. and if it got bad enough i would take them to rehab. Every child experiements, the key is to have a good enough relationship by the time they are that age so you can talk to them, not necessarily them talking back at that age, but hopefully they'll listen to you. There are very few people i knew in school who never tried smoking, drinking and marijuana, most outgrew that and ended up just fine, not condoning it, but just stating a fact that most teens will experiment.

4. What if he/she was so depressed that he/she hurt him/herself? (Cutting skin, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders).

i would take them straight to the doctors office and get some help, none of those things should be left untreated and those things don't go away on their own. Let them know i love and support them and will help them in any way possible in order to get through it.
5. What if someone you trusted (ex: priest) and respected was abusing him/her?

i would get a psycologist and call the police.

6. What if he/she was dating someone much older than he/she is?

it would depend on the child and what the age difference is. Telling them they can't will just make them want to more so it's a tough situation. i would try to reason with them (why would someone their age be dating someone your age etc) If i thought anything illegal were going on i would call the police and have them deal with it, but like i said it's a very tough situation.

7. What if he/she was dating someone from a different culture, religion, or gender than you expected?

Who they love when it comes to that is up to them, not to me. As long as they are with someone they care about and who cares for and respects them it doesn't matter.

8. What if you found out he/she was sexually active?

it would depend on the age they were. I would explain the importance of having sex with someone who you love and respect and who feels the same for you. And i would explain the importance of birth control, i would put my daughter on the pill and get condoms because sometimes one form of birth control isn't enough.

9. What if he/she was pregnant or impregnated someone?

Being a young mother myself i would be supportive in whatever decision they made as far as keepy, adoption, i would have a harder time with abortion, but it is her choice. If my son got someone pregnant i would explain the importance of being supportive of her and being a father to the child if she decides to keep it, and i would tell him to get a job if he didn't have one and contribute finiancily to the child as well.

10. What he/she I thought that he/she had contracted STD (sexually transmitted disease)?

I would take him/her to the doctors office and have them tested and than go back over the importance of condoms.



The most important thing when dealing with any of these issues is to stay calm and don't over react, if you do your child will shut down and nothing you say will make a difference, they are growing up and doing grownup things(not that they should be doing all of those things) so they need to be treated like little adults, not exactly the same, but you need to talk with them, not at them. An open dialoge with teens is very important and very hard to achieve, you need to walk that fine line of being a parent and a friend with your child.

Last edited by MandyAnne26; 04-08-2004 at 04:12 AM.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 03:56 PM   #4
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

Pinkie1234:
MandyAnne26:

Thank you for the responses. You gave some pretty good answers.
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Old 04-08-2004, 07:29 PM   #5
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

These are some good questions; I expected this post to be about younger kids, but very good for the older ones.

1. What if he/she was at a party and the person who was supposed to drive him/her home was drunk?

I would give them money and say to get a cab or if they have a cell phone (assuming they do in this day and age) and tell them to call me to get them.

2. What if several of his/her friends had joined a gang and were trying to get him/her to join?

I might just let them get into trouble so they could face the consequences of doing stupid things. Either that or send them to boot camp. I don't think I could be lenient with gang stuff.

3. What if he/she was abusing drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, etc.)?

I would most likely give them a lecture about drugs and how they are hurtful and then drag them to Narconon or something similar. If they didn't listen then I would simply tell them to go ahead and ruin their bodies; if they don't want to save themselves then I can't stop them.

4. What if he/she was so depressed that he/she hurt him/herself? (Cutting skin, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders).

Now I have been depressed many times before, so I would sit them down and calmly ask them what's wrong and try to soothe their nerves. I would tell them that hurting themselves is not the answer and that if they ever need to blow off steam, sometimes a good long cry is all anyone ever needs. If they want to be alone to cry, I would grant them this privacy. But I would assure them that nothing is worth killing themlseves over, especially if it's something stupid like breaking up with a boy or girlfriend.

5. What if someone you trusted (ex: priest) and respected was abusing him/her?

I would most definitely report the pervert. Abuse from a trusted individual is even more detrimental to a child/teenager than that from a stranger. I don't know if I would consider a psychologist or therapist because then I would make them think they're crazy and it's their fault. I think just a talk between us two would be good.

6. What if he/she was dating someone much older than he/she is?

Depends on how you define as "much"...if it's about two years, then I wouldn't mind. But if you're talking a 16-year-old dating a 25-year-old, I would object. Age matters less and less as you get older in dating, but in high school I think it does. I would tell them that the person they're dating is far too old and may only be using them and not loving them. But, as I said in previous answers, if they refuse to heed my words then all I can do is sit back and let them learn from their mistakes.

7. What if he/she was dating someone from a different culture, religion, or gender than you expected?

Race, culture, religion, and gender don't matter to me. If my kid was bisexual or homosexual I would support them. I don't think anyone should ignore their sexuality just because it isn't "normal".

8. What if you found out he/she was sexually active?

Now this is something I strongly object with. I would ask them why they decided to become sexually active, and if it was worth it. I would explain to them that there is only one contraceptive method that is 100% effective and 100% free, and that's abstinence. Condoms, birth control, and diaphragms all have some failure rate, and you could use them all at the same time and STILL get pregnant or impregnate someone. If I found this out I would give them a choice of leaving their partner or being forbidden to ever leave the house and to have a babysitter around to make sure they don't sneak out. And if THAT doesn't work, it would be time to surf the net and find pictures of some of those nasty STDs to discourage them.

9. What if he/she was pregnant or impregnated someone?

If this happened I would not support them whatsoever; I would disown them and kick them out of the house without even a quarter. If their partner loves them enough to start a family while still a teenager then they can live together and happily raise their child. I would want no part in the child's life or in my child's life; they would no longer be considered a part of my family. I wouldn't suggest abortion because that's borderline murder, even if it is a fetus and not a complete human, but if they want to abort it then that's their decision; if that was their choice then I would further disown them for not only getting pregnant/impregnating someone, but for not taking responsibility for the child.

10. What he/she I thought that he/she had contracted STD (sexually transmitted disease)?

If either I or they thought they had an STD I would first ask them where they think they got it (a no-brainer). But I would ask them what they feel and research the symptoms before dragging them to a doctor for the not-so-fun exam. If it was something incurable, I might sympathize for them, but assure them that they would have this thing for the rest of their life and that if they ever sleep with anyone in the future, they could infect them, and a future child could be born with it as well. And then as I cradle them in my arms, I would ask them if it was worth one night of passion to have a disease that will haunt them forever.

..................

As you can see, I would be lenient for some things but not everything. I feel that if I had a child (scary thought), if they wouldn't listen to my advice, then they can find out from experience, not so I could hear them say "you told me so, Mom", but so they know from a first-hand encounter that it's not worth it.


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Old 04-08-2004, 09:14 PM   #6
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

Hi Quencher, I'm not going to try to individually answer all those questions because having 4 kids, It would take a whole book!
However, I would like to share something I learned in a parenting class a few years ago, it had a big impact on me and on my personal parenting. The message was simple. You have to give your kids the power of the word "NO".
We as parents don't like to hear that word from our kids but sometimes, for something that is really important to them, you have to let them tell you "NO".
We have to give them the power to stand up for themselves to us, for things they truly don't agree with or want to do. AS a simple example, you want your kid to play a certain sport or something like attending a family function. If they don't want to play that sport or for a certain reason don't want to attend that family function, we should sometimes accept and respect their "NO"'s.
If we don't give our kids the power of "NO" at home, how can we expect them to have that power when some kid approaches them and offers them drugs at a party, or some boy tries to have his way with your daughter, or your son is being pressured to join a gang?? If your child has never learned that he has the power of the word "NO" at home, how can he possibly have it on the outside. We have to sometimes let them say it to us and we have to let it mean something.

 
Old 04-09-2004, 03:47 PM   #7
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

1. What if he/she was at a party and the person who was supposed to drive him/her home was drunk?

well when i was younger i always knew i could call my mom to come get me no matter what, i would do the same with my daughter.

2. What if several of his/her friends had joined a gang and were trying to get him/her to join?

goodness, well i guess i would educate them of the dangers, get the stats on how many gang related shooting/knifings there are in one year in the US, and how many of those people died.

3. What if he/she was abusing drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, etc.)?

again, education is really all i think a parent can do short of walking your child to and from school and never letting them leave the house without you there with them...i would start rehab if it was serious
my mom found out that i smoked at a party when i was 14 and she went and got a pitcure of her mom hooked up to a oxygen machine right before she died of lung cancer, (needless to say i am not a smoker)


4. What if he/she was so depressed that he/she hurt him/herself? (Cutting skin, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders).

get immidiate help for them. no questions asked!

5. What if someone you trusted (ex: priest) and respected was abusing him/her?

take immediate legal action, and start counceling for my child. i was abused as a child so i know what it is like, i wish i would have been in counceling years sooner than i was, i went on for years feeling confused and to blame, my mom tried to help but i think sometimes you have to get professional help.

6. What if he/she was dating someone much older than he/she is?

well when i was 14 i dated an 18 year old, but he was a really good guy, had no bad intentions (we were alone alot and he never tried anything) we just liked eachother.
but i think i would just monitor (as much as possible) what goes on, set strict cewfews, and talk to them about sex and all the bad that goes along with it.
i think the harder you push, the harder they push back!

7. What if he/she was dating someone from a different culture, religion, or gender than you expected?

well that is their desision, i am not pregedice, or have any problem with other cultures, or religions or genders
although i may dont agree with them, i will not try to stop them (unless the other person is harming her in any way or trying to put her in positions she can not handle.or if the person is a great deal older (like if that person owns their own home i may have something to say about that...lol)

8. What if you found out he/she was sexually active?

well i would educate as much as possible then start (i have a daugher) on BCP and buy her condoms, i know alot of people wont agree but you can only protect a child so much and the more you try to tie them down the more they try to stand up. if i ever have a son again i would educate them and then provide condoms
(i would never encorage sex, but i am not naive i know it will happen if they are determined to do it so i will like to know they are protected at least.

9. What if he/she was pregnant or impregnated someone?

i would be there for her/or him, a baby may not be something they wanted at that time but regaurdless i would be there to help them provide things for the baby, i wouldnt throw them out (i would make them get a job to help support it) it isnt the babys fault a girl/boy was irrisponsible and i would not let the baby suffer for it.
and i would strongly discourage an abortion, i would probably even adopt the baby if it meant they wouldnt abort.

10. What he/she I thought that he/she had contracted STD (sexually transmitted disease)?
have them tested first of all...
then i would be there for them... tell them that i had warned that something like this could happen and if it was incurable tell them that this is something they will carry with them forever....and ever and remind them the importance of a condom!

i agree with mandyanne that you shouldnt over react...you just have to do the best you can, and have faith that the child you raised will make good desions for themselves, but i will always be her for my daughter no matter what....even through any of these things.

Last edited by ~Winnie~; 04-09-2004 at 03:57 PM.

 
Old 04-09-2004, 05:10 PM   #8
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

I am a big believer in not living with "what if"... I don't know how I would react to any of these as I am not faced with them. I pray that if I were, I would react in the way that was best for her/him long term
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Old 04-09-2004, 06:23 PM   #9
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

For most of these questions I would talk to my daughter and make sure she knew that she could always come to me for help. As far as depression and suicide--get her into counseling.

 
Old 04-13-2004, 04:29 AM   #10
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

1. What if he/she was at a party and the person who was supposed to drive him/her home was drunk? Always give your kids emergency taxi money.
2. What if several of his/her friends had joined a gang and were trying to get him/her to join? I'd go as far as moving from an area or removing them from school to keep them out of trouble. Teach kids to resist peer pressure. Show them examples of how 'losers' start and end up and why it's important to start and remain on the right track.
3. What if he/she was abusing drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, etc.)? I've told my kids many times I'd report them to the police and have them arrested. I'd rather a kid who hated me than a junkie.
4. What if he/she was so depressed that he/she hurt him/herself? (Cutting skin, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders). OOOhhh hard one...therapy?
5. What if someone you trusted (ex: priest) and respected was abusing him/her? me and my kids have spoken about this from day one that they could understand. hopefully they have it down to a fine art that they could alert me immediately and then i'd kill him.
6. What if he/she was dating someone much older than he/she is? Depends on the age my kid was. If she was 14 and he was 30...no way. If she was 18 and he was 28....maybe...but I wouldn't be happy.
7. What if he/she was dating someone from a different culture, religion, or gender than you expected? No problem
8. What if you found out he/she was sexually active? Depends on their age and how mature they were and if they were sensible enough to take precautions.
9. What if he/she was pregnant or impregnated someone? Same as above, bar the precautions obviously LOL. I'd make it known that I'd be supportive but I wouldn't be mother to it!
10. What he/she I thought that he/she had contracted STD (sexually transmitted disease)? What else can you do but take them for treatment and then bend their ear about WHY you told them to use protection!

 
Old 04-15-2004, 04:46 PM   #11
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Re: As a parent/ If you were a parent...

Well, I have a teenage son (15) and I'm at the stage of these questions.




1. What if he/she was at a party and the person who was supposed to drive
him/her home was drunk?

Everytime my son goes out-I do the lecture of drinking & driving w/friends.
I always give him money and Xtra for that cab ride home. I have also told him over and over should anything happen whether I'm going to be mad or not to CALL ME. Thank God for Cell Phones. I don't want my son to ever ever feel he can not Trust my reaction and not call me. I will always be available for him.

2. What if several of his/her friends had joined a gang and were trying to get him/her to join?

This has happen to my son. A friend did join a gang and my son doesn't want any part of it. I have commucated with my son the dangers of such gangs. I and He stay involved with Sports, School clubs, and joined my son on the Jr.Elks club of America where I am also a member.

3. What if he/she was abusing drugs (including cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, etc.)?

My son will not smoke. I am a smoker and he hates it. SO far he doesn't like drinking and I am not aware of any drinking that he has done. As for drugs,
again communicate and lecture him every chance I get about drugs. I have also accused him one day of doing drugs because of how he was behaving, he became SO upset of my accusing him. Again, my fingers are crossed that so far he hasn't done any. As in any school...It is very available and he has told me so. He has also told me he has said NO and it wasn't a big deal to him to say NO. A parent can ONLY hope & pray what we teach this kids that they do know how to Say no. But I don't want to be a FOOL and believe "oh no, my son doesn't do drugs" I am doing my part in staying in his life, bedroom searches, lecturing him, staying on top of his butt...and again alot of praying that he will say NO.

4. What if he/she was so depressed that he/she hurt him/herself? (Cutting skin, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders).

I would be there for him and get him the help he needs and I would educate myself in helping him.

5. What if someone you trusted (ex: priest) and respected was abusing
him/her?

God Help the ******* who would do such a thing to my son or anyone I know.
I have it in me as most of us parents do, to not only take legal action but physical action...I would alos do everything in my power to help my child if that ever would happen.

6. What if he/she was dating someone much older than he/she is?

Try to keep an open mind, know more about the person and the intention of the relationship.

7. What if he/she was dating someone from a different culture, religion, or gender than you expected?

I don't have any issues. I have told my son...at one time or another in conversation...I don't care if your Gay...just still provide me with a grandchild someday in the future.

8. What if you found out he/she was sexually active?

Well, it grosses me out to think my 15 yr old would, but if he did get sexually active..buy him a years worth of condoms. I have already told him everything about Sex, I have told him about he not being ready for such an emotional experience...But, what can we really do to stop them. Again, I talk openly with him, pray for the best, expect the worst, and buy the condoms...
9. What if he/she was pregnant or impregnated someone?

I would be there for them.

10. What he/she I thought that he/she had contracted STD (sexually
transmitted disease)?

We have discussed this too and again it goes back to not having sex at a young age, but if you do use protection and if something should happen,
I will always be the best I can be as a supportive parent.

 
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